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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to ask dh to go to in-laws without me?

37 replies

Wrenna · 15/07/2021 19:58

Dh and I are happily married 20+ years, have one ds, 19. In-laws live in another country. FIL is tolerable, MIL, highly functioning alcoholic is not. For over 20 years we’ve taken turns them coming here and us going there, but with Covid it will be two years since we’ve seen them. They have travel vouchers so they will most likely come here (14 Bloody days) so I can’t get out of that but the Next year, ds will be 21 and most likely doing his own thing. Thing is, dh finds her intolerable as well but when we get there he takes off with his father and it’s just me and her most nights. She will drink, pontificate, etc and I’m so over it! I’ve mentioned to a friend that I might tell dh just to go without me next time and although she totally understands she says she thinks it will look really bad to the rest of his family. I also don’t want to hurt dh but I’m dreading it already and it’s two years out! What would you do?

OP posts:
Thehop · 15/07/2021 19:59

Not enough time on earth to spend holidays miserable. YANBU.

I’d also be really busy with friends when they came over. And insist on a hotel.

MrsWooster · 15/07/2021 19:59

Do it. Life is too short to endure these things.

Googlewasmyidea1 · 15/07/2021 20:00

I'd not go and I wouldn't be entertaining them for 14 days either

Aprilx · 15/07/2021 20:01

I would say I am not going and wouldn’t think twice about it. I’d probably make something up as to why I couldn’t come though. 😊

Wolfiefan · 15/07/2021 20:02

Not 14 days in your house?
If someone is an intolerable alcoholic then you don’t tolerate it. Don’t have them at your place. And neither of you should go if it’s making you both utterly miserable.
Life is too short.

Messyplayallday · 15/07/2021 20:05

Stay in a hotel, rent a car, enjoy your vacation!

We live a different country and when we visit “home” we don’t stay with my mum or DH’s family. We get a hotel.
When either of our mothers visit - they know that life continues for us so unless there is something really really important they want to do when visiting then we go about our day to day life. My MIL is hard work, I don’t suddenly become a doting DIL just because she’s here. If they irritate or complain then we remind them that there are hotels they can stay in.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2021 20:05

Your "friends" opinion is irrelevant. Of course don't go. Why would you? My husband goes to visit his parents on his own quite frequently because I will no longer be bothered dealing with them. Like yours, my MIL has made sure of that.

I would also be putting my foot down over 14 days staying in your home. No way would that be happening.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/07/2021 20:08

it will look really bad to the rest of his family.

If his family are being blind to the fact his DM is an alcoholic, I couldn't lose much sleep over their judgment of me. YANBU at all. It's enabling to go along with pretending everything is fine and enduring that crap.

Mrstamborineman · 15/07/2021 20:09

Put boundaries in place. Why waste time money and emotion on something/one who do not care for or enjoy.

underneaththeash · 15/07/2021 20:17

If it was me and I wasn't taking up work holiday time, I'd go, but make sure that your DH wasn't constantly out with his father.

You can easily go and visit an monument, do a play or something you want there.

She probably enjoys you coming and to give up a few days for an older person who brought up your DH isn't too bad....

(Oh and I do this with my MIL)>

ThinWomansBrain · 15/07/2021 20:39

don't go over there
when they visit DH here - go away yourself if you can. If you are at home for any part of them staying, agree in advance with your partner that he is not to swan off with his father leaving you to entertain or strangle alcoholic MiL.
If he does, strong sleeping tablets in her gin.

Bluntness100 · 15/07/2021 20:41

To be honest if he wanted my support to go, I’d go but I’d make it clear only on the condition he doesn’t leave and leave you with her. If he can’t meet this condition then you don’t go. Marriage is about compromise and supporting each other. He can’t habe it all his way.

Iloveacurry · 15/07/2021 20:43

Tell your DH you’re not going. He obviously finds his DM intolerable too, so he buggers off with his DF. Why should you be left with her?

PrincessNutella · 15/07/2021 20:45

You don't need to go. Let the parents have some special time with their son.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2021 20:52

DH's choice. You go with him and are with him (he doesn't bugger off) or don't go with him.

PeonyTime · 15/07/2021 20:56

I probably abandon 1 in 3 visits to the in laws.
And when I worked FT, we also used the encourage them to come and child sit at half term, again so I got a break.
And I visit my parents (who DH gets on with really well) without him too.
I dont think you should never see them again, but skipping the occasional visit is fine.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/07/2021 20:56

Fourteen days in your house? Surely not. No. Way. And when you go there, he goes off with his dad and leaves you with her? Double. No. Way! Don’t put up with that

Chamomileteaplease · 15/07/2021 21:01

Why have you put up with 20 years of your dh buggering off with his father and leaving you alone with the alcoholic???

Notimeforaname · 15/07/2021 21:01

Yes its fine not to go. Would your husband still happily go? You go have a break somewhere else. Its nice to try new places. Remember, Its your life and they dont own itWink

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2021 21:05

If they’re meant to be staying with you then make sure you go away by yourself for at least half of it and DH doesn’t get to bugger off and leave her with you. Cheeky sod.

And definitely don’t go there. Why would you?!

Brouhahaha · 15/07/2021 21:09

Send him on his own, especially if he buggers off with his dad and leaves you with her - I have sent my husband alone to things with his parents as they can be toxic and sometimes I just can't handle it. Who cares what everyone else thinks, they'll probably understand exactly why you've done it.

ElderButtFuckinNaked · 15/07/2021 21:11

I'd go out with him and his dad. Why should you stop in with mil?

StepladderToHeaven · 15/07/2021 21:13

Tell DH that you refuse to be left with her. So either he goes without you, or he stays in with you and MIL, or you go out with him and FIL. His choice.

Horehound · 15/07/2021 21:14

After the first time of your husband swanning off with FIL of have never done it again. Why would you?
And if they come over...book a "course" aka girls vacay Grin

Brouhahaha · 16/07/2021 07:31

@StepladderToHeaven

Tell DH that you refuse to be left with her. So either he goes without you, or he stays in with you and MIL, or you go out with him and FIL. His choice.

I also agree with this, we went through a phase when my husband was explicitly banned from leaving me alone in a room with my MIL.

You shouldn't have to shoulder that bad behaviour.