Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Wibu to ask dh to go to in-laws without me?

37 replies

Wrenna · 15/07/2021 19:58

Dh and I are happily married 20+ years, have one ds, 19. In-laws live in another country. FIL is tolerable, MIL, highly functioning alcoholic is not. For over 20 years we’ve taken turns them coming here and us going there, but with Covid it will be two years since we’ve seen them. They have travel vouchers so they will most likely come here (14 Bloody days) so I can’t get out of that but the Next year, ds will be 21 and most likely doing his own thing. Thing is, dh finds her intolerable as well but when we get there he takes off with his father and it’s just me and her most nights. She will drink, pontificate, etc and I’m so over it! I’ve mentioned to a friend that I might tell dh just to go without me next time and although she totally understands she says she thinks it will look really bad to the rest of his family. I also don’t want to hurt dh but I’m dreading it already and it’s two years out! What would you do?

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 16/07/2021 07:35

Of course you shouldn’t go. No excuse needed, you just don’t want to go.

Ragwort · 16/07/2021 07:37

Why have you put up with this for so long?

Of course you don't need to go, I'd never expect my DH to come with my every time I visit my DPs.

And what's it got to do with your 'friend' anyway? ?

ChaToilLeam · 16/07/2021 07:44

Your friend can butt out, what is it to her what your DH’s family think? They would probably understand your position perfectly.

And why should you be stuck with drunk MIL while your DH escapes with FIL? It’s no way to spend your holiday. Perhaps you could go out with FIL and DH stay with his mother, see how he likes it.

KatherineSiena · 16/07/2021 07:53

You say you don’t want to hurt DH by not going but he doesn’t seem to care about you if he just swans off with his dad to leave you with the mother he finds intolerable. I really wouldn’t go if I were you.

hedgehogger1 · 16/07/2021 07:58

Can you decide that you're household is giving up alcohol for health reasons to coincide with their visit. No booze might cut it short. And book something with friends so you can't go to theirs

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/07/2021 08:01

Your DH is a knob for continuously leaving you with an alcoholic.
I would TELL him no more, no more visits.
He can fuckin' go himself.

timeisnotaline · 16/07/2021 08:04

He leaves you with her every night and you’re worried about hurting him? He’s not worried about you being absolutely miserable having to put up with her every night of each trip!! I’d have put my foot down long ago. Something fair would have been max 30% if the time alone with his mother, an equal amount of time doing your own thing and the rest altogether but after so many years of this it’s too late for him to negotiate - just don’t go. It’s 10000% his fault for having put you through this.

Bridezillamaybe · 16/07/2021 08:14

No I wouldn't be going. I'd have an excuse ready. I would maybe come for the next visit with a suggestion to stay in a hotel for some of it and instructions given to husband not to leave me alone. And I wouldn't be home for the duration of their visit either.

My in-laws (the entire family) are totally toxic, extremely confrontational and the visits are high high drama and very upsetting for my DP. However he wants to keep in contact. The last visit was essential as his parent had died. We were there for two weeks. I arranged for us to stay with two of my relatives during the visit so we weren't there for more than a couple of nights at a time. He's going again soon, I've used awaiting my vaccination as an excuse to not join him. He's going again in September when I'm away with friends. I will go on the next visit but I'm going to have a hotel arranged for when the first fight kicks off.

MeanyJoany · 16/07/2021 08:26

The real question here is who gives a shit if it looks bad to the rest of the family?

Don't go, I'm surprised you haven't backed out 18 years ago after the second visit of your husband leaving you to spend time with her while he goes out

Nuggetnugget · 16/07/2021 08:33

I wouldn't go.
Nor would I put up with dh going out with his dad leaving you with MIL every night.
I made the decision to back off a bit from my in laws and dh visits with the dc. It was becoming a moaning session to me while dh played outside with the kids and said his mother was so great and happy (she wouldn't moan as much to him).

LookItsMeAgain · 16/07/2021 09:01

1 - when they come to visit you, insist they stay in a hotel for all of their visit.
2 - when expected to visit them, don't. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you that you have to get on that plane/boat/whatever and you have to visit them. Be busy. Be unavailable.

That's my advice.

thing47 · 16/07/2021 09:33

OP, I can give you this from the alternative perspective if that helps as both my parents are still alive (and together) and DH's aren't.

When I go to them he sometimes comes and sometimes doesn't. I'm not offended by this in the slightest and I couldn't give a fig what anyone else thinks about it.

When they come to stay here (maximum 3 days), he's fine with it but doesn't alter his own plans, whether that's work related or social life/hobby related, and nor do I expect him to.

Admittedly it's harder for you because of the foreign travel aspect, but you certainly don't need to feel any obligation to visit them, nor adapt your life when they come to visit you.

Flip

1 2