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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not to want to be a bridesmaid

45 replies

KombuchaKrisis · 15/07/2021 18:50

My bear friend is getting married and I know she's going to likely ask me to be the maid of honour. Before she was engaged I always said I don't want to be a part of it, I don't enjoy the pressure, don't find it fun etc. Would rather enjoy as a guest. At the time she said don't worry you can choose the dresses and everyone can just wear why you're happy with. The dress is not really an issue so that kind of annoyed me that she thought that way anyway.

Would I be unreasonable to just say no when she asks? Or should I really just do it for her?

OP posts:
Original poster
KombuchaKrisis · 15/07/2021 18:51

Typos Blush sorry, hopefully you get the gist.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 15/07/2021 18:52

I want to be a bridesmaid at a bears' wedding! Seriously though you just need to say 'i did tell you! Thanks for thinking of me but let somebody who loves the job do it.'

Morgan12 · 15/07/2021 18:53

I would tell her the truth and hope she doesn't get too grizzly.

Original poster
KombuchaKrisis · 15/07/2021 18:54

GrinGrinGrin I'll give her some marmalade when I break the news.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/07/2021 18:54

I’d be worried she’d get her claws out…

Echobelly · 15/07/2021 18:55

If she does, could she be clear with you on what she expects and see if it works for you? Some people just expect MoH to turn up on the day and help a bit and others might expect her to be a maid-of-all-work-and-preparation for everything for months on end. So perhaps see if it's manageable? I

Also, do you think she has anyone else she might call on? Could be letting her down if you're the only obvious candidate, but I think you still have a right to say what degree of responsibility works for you. If she is planning on a massive bridal party, you should be fine to just say you don't think you can do it though.

traintraveller · 15/07/2021 18:56

You can say it's not for you and politely decline but personally I'd do it for my best friend

GreenCrayon · 15/07/2021 18:56

What part of it are you not looking forward to, is it the expectation you'll help her with dress shopping and other bits plus having to plan a hen do or is it because you don't want the spotlight on you as part of the wedding party?

If the former then it's possible to be a maid of honour or bridesmaid without any of that if the bride is amenable. My own bridesmaids and maid of honor were little more than guests who got the luxery of their outfits, of their choice being purchased, and getting to sit at the top table.

If the latter I think I'd try really hard to put those feelings aside for my best friend.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/07/2021 18:57

Well at least it’s not a bare weddings, that would solve the dress issue.

Darkstar4855 · 15/07/2021 18:59

Normally I’d agree with you but if she’s your best friend then I feel like you should be there for her.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2021 19:01

If my best friend told me she wouldn't feel comfortable being my maid of honour I wouldn't be upset in the slightest. I'd want everyone to have a good day, not be anxious or uncomfortable for the whole duration.

Original poster
KombuchaKrisis · 15/07/2021 19:02

@Darkstar4855 this is why I'm tied. I wish I could get on board with all the fuss and drama weddings seem to be but I just find it all such a ball ache. All my friends are weekend abroad hens and weekend long weddings..I feel awful but im so over it. Covid was a nice break but we seem to be back at them again! Can't wait for everyone to just be married.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/07/2021 19:04

I refused to be a bridesmaid for DHs sister. We get on ok but I didn’t want her to feel obliged to have me as one just because I was married to her brother.
I just said no thank you but offered to decorate the church instead

GreenCrayon · 15/07/2021 19:04

All my friends are weekend abroad hens and weekend long weddings.

You have very odd friends I've never known anyone have a weekend long wedding and if you don't want to go on the hen surely travel being a total ball ache right now is the perfect excuse.

SuddenArborealStop · 15/07/2021 19:04

For your best friend suck it up and do it, I've been bridesmaid 4 times and I don't enjoy it, but they are women I love and tbh if I was sat in the audience and someone else was up there it would have felt wrong.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/07/2021 19:05

Would the wedding be in Darkest Peru?

thinkfast · 15/07/2021 19:17

Don't panda to her needs OP.

If you agree to be a a bridesmaid, just do the bear minimum. It just won't be pawsible for you to agree to do more.

honeylulu · 15/07/2021 19:22

You'll have to tell her firmly, let it sink in, leave a big paws.

It sounds like you are just polar opposites. Try not to (winnie the) pooh pooh all her wedding plans though.

BruceAndNosh · 15/07/2021 19:25

I'm just here for the bear puns

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/07/2021 19:26

I sense trouble bruin

FunMcCool · 15/07/2021 19:27

Wait for her to ask you before you start thinking about turning her down.

Wjevtvha · 15/07/2021 19:28

I’d be really hurt if my best friend didn’t want to be bridesmaid just because she finds it too much fuss amd is over the whole wedding and hen do thing.

Original poster
KombuchaKrisis · 15/07/2021 19:42

Grin the bear puns are very funny

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 15/07/2021 22:19

Could the perks of special catering for the bridal party swing it for you OP?

I mean, is the reception a picnic?

Or perhaps a BBQ? ‘Cos, you know - Bear Grylls.

I’m here LITERALLY all week.

Planty13 · 15/07/2021 22:22

Of course it’s a ball ache, that’s why she needs her best friend to help her. I’d be pretty upset if my best friend said it sounded too much like hard work and I think she’ll find it hard to just shrug off?

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