To not want him asleep in the living room when we all get up?

Qwersl · 2021-07-15T08:41:14+00:00

OH works 4 nights a week, on most of his nights off he'll sleep in the front room. The two main reasons he sleeps in the living room are because he likes to game into the early hours of the morning and he's also a terrible snorer who I just can't sleep next to. Sadly. I would love him to sleep in our bedroom but he isn't putting much effort into addressing the snoring because he actually enjoys gaming all night and falling asleep on the sofa(bed) it's his 'him time' He's on the ASD spectrum and set in his ways. I digress. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting me and the children to have to tip toe around him in the morning when we need the use of the living room? He didn't get up until 9.30 today, after me trying to rouse him for half an hour and it's just not practical for the rest of us. The kids get up between 7.30 and 8.00am regardless of what time he goes to sleep.

mbosnz · 15/07/2021 09:43

I wouldn't be tip-toeing around. He wants to sleep there, fine, but it's a living space, for people to live in. If he wants to continue sleeping, he can go off to a sleeping space, for people to sleep in. I.e. a bedroom.

everybloodyusername · 15/07/2021 09:43

Wtf. Why is he not getting up and doing anything with the kids?

FelicityBob · 15/07/2021 09:45

He needs to stop gaming and start helping in the morning. He can sleep in a spare room but staying up half the night then sleeping on the sofa isn’t something I’d want the kids growing up thinking is normal

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 09:48

Stop tip-toeing. If the kids wake him up; tough!

He should be helping you in the mornings anyway instead of gaming all night.

Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 09:48

@everybloodyusername

Wtf. Why is he not getting up and doing anything with the kids?

In fairness to him he does do his bit in the mornings when he's awake, he's not always up so late, but it's always me who is up with the kids first because he's very hard to rouse.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 15/07/2021 09:49

If hes not allowed to sleep in the bedroom, or the living room, where is he allowed to sleep? What do you think he should be doing to address his snoring? What have you tried to address it disturbing you?

The reality is there may be nothing he can do about the snoring and if there is, and if its medical,it could take upwards of a year.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 15/07/2021 09:50

If he's hard to rouse, why are you tiptoeing around him? Just pretend he's not there and crack on. There's nothing like feeling ignored to get people off their arses 🤩

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 09:54

If he's hard to rouse, why are you tiptoeing around him? Just pretend he's not there and crack on.

THIS!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/07/2021 09:55

if he needs rousing then surely normal noise won't wake him up. I don't understand that bit

but tell him that he's not alone with falling asleep on the sofa and if that's his choice he just has to put up with the consequences ie being woken up by noise when he'd rather sleep.

I fall asleep on the sofa. I get woken up. tough cookies
YANBU

NewYearNewTwatName · 15/07/2021 09:58

oh just get on with your day. Fuck him.

He says a big "fuck you" to you every morning he 'can't be roused' to get the fuck up and be a parent the same as you. What if you were "hard to rouse" your kids would be neglected wouldn't they. That's his default. To him its not his job so fuck you. You deal with them.

Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 09:58

@Porcupineintherough

If hes not allowed to sleep in the bedroom, or the living room, where is he allowed to sleep? What do you think he should be doing to address his snoring? What have you tried to address it disturbing you?

The reality is there may be nothing he can do about the snoring and if there is, and if its medical,it could take upwards of a year.

He is allowed to sleep in the bedroom, I've told him many times he's welcome to come and join me in the bed once he finishes his game. He's less likely to wake me that way than if we were to go to bed at the same time anyway, because he starts snoring within about 10 mins of laying down and I can never drop off listening to it.

I've tried ear plugs, multiple ones.
White noise to drown it out.

For him we've tried a chin strap, a little rubber device that sits in his nostrils, a spray. A so called anti snore pillow. None worked.

He refuses to go to the doctor.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2021 10:00

He sounds like a teenager
Are you getting anything good out of this relationship?

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 15/07/2021 10:01

it's always me who is up with the kids first because he's very hard to rouse.

He's hard to rouse because he stays up gaming into the early hours

He's a parent!!! He doesn't get to "me time" all through the night AND then "me time" taking up the living space in the lounge until 9.30am +!! It's also but yuk and selfish to sleep on the sofa each night, all that sweatiness...

An occasional late night I'd understand, but every night?? No way...

I'd go in with DCs as soon as awake , open curtains, put TV on loud, kids sit on top of him jumping around , standing on him GET UP DADDY and doing the thing they do to wake you up if you tried to ignore them.

Tbh this wouldn't happen in our house as any fool sleeping downstairs gets a 3 cat choral wake up & paw poking in face at 5am for their (early) breakfast

Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 10:02

@Shoxfordian

He sounds like a teenager Are you getting anything good out of this relationship?

Lol I agree with the first part, but yes he's good in various other ways. It's the sleep issue that is the main problem. He does alot of the childcare when he's off work, cooks, cleans, etc.

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Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 10:05

I'd go in with DCs as soon as awake , open curtains, put TV on loud, kids sit on top of him jumping around , standing on him GET UP DADDY and doing the thing they do to wake you up if you tried to ignore them

I have done this today, he was so tired that despite having the TV on and DS prodding him it still took me 20 minutes to get him off the sofa.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 10:06

It's the gaming and staying up all night that's the issue; not the snoring.

Selfish arse. How much 'me time' do YOU get?

Just make as much noise as you like in the morning. He can take himself off to bed if he can't be arsed to act like a parent.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 10:09

I'm starting to get confused now. You say you have to tip-toe around him, but it takes 20 minutes to wake him up?

Just leave him to snore on the sofa like a pig and crack on.

Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 10:09

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

It's the gaming and staying up all night that's the issue; not the snoring.

Selfish arse. How much 'me time' do YOU get?

Just make as much noise as you like in the morning. He can take himself off to bed if he can't be arsed to act like a parent.

Not a great deal of it unfortunately, that's partly my own doing though as I choose not to go off and do my own thing child free when he's off.

I have some health conditions and live with chronic pain so not always up for going out and doing much beyond trips out with the kids where he's able to take the reigns with the lifting and running after them.

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RampantIvy · 15/07/2021 10:09

He absolutely needs to adress his snoring. Is he overweight? Losing weight will help. If it isn't a weight issue then he needs to see the GP. DH's snoring started to get worse and worse to the point that he was stopping breathing. The sleep apnoea was so bad that he now has a CPAP machine.

Sleep apnoea is very dangerous and could mean that the sufferer isn't safe to drive. We think that DH's stroke was caused by sleep apnoea.

Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 10:11

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I'm starting to get confused now. You say you have to tip-toe around him, but it takes 20 minutes to wake him up?

Just leave him to snore on the sofa like a pig and crack on.

Well usually I would make an effort not to disturb him too early if he's clearly been awake all night, but lately I've stopped doing that and will actively try to get him up and it takes a while. Sorry for the confusion.

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Original poster

Qwersl · 15/07/2021 10:12

@RampantIvy

He absolutely needs to adress his snoring. Is he overweight? Losing weight will help. If it isn't a weight issue then he needs to see the GP. DH's snoring started to get worse and worse to the point that he was stopping breathing. The sleep apnoea was so bad that he now has a CPAP machine.

Sleep apnoea is very dangerous and could mean that the sufferer isn't safe to drive. We think that DH's stroke was caused by sleep apnoea.

He's 14.4 stone at "6'1 and in reasonable shape.

I have raised concerns about sleep apnoea myself but he just won't go to the GP. He is extremely avoidant, partly due to his ASD.

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NewYearNewTwatName · 15/07/2021 10:17

Qwersl

Not a great deal of it unfortunately, that's partly my own doing though as I choose not to go off and do my own thing child free when he's off

I have some health conditions and live with chronic pain so not always up for going out and doing much beyond trips out with the kids where he's able to take the reigns with the lifting and running after them

Then he can take them out for the day, and you can stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet, read a book, go back to bed, catch up on tv, even have a go at gaming if you wanted, there are lots of games you may enjoy.

But the point is you do not need to be the only responsible parent, he is quite capable of getting them ready and leaving the house without you! once this becomes a regular break for you you may fine that you start to have more energy and might join them out on a day trip every now and then.

LemonGelato · 15/07/2021 10:20

Another vote on getting the snoring for sleep apnoea checked out. I worked in transport and if untreated it's a reason professional drivers can have their licences revoked, that's how dangerous it is. I wouldn't have kids in a car driven by someone with it. If not that, try a mouth-guard for night sleeping (from the dentist) can help reduce snoring.

But as for the gaming into early hours, if it's affecting normal family life and leaving all the morning work to you then you need to be way more assertive that it needs to stop. It's even more selfish given your medical condition.

And in the meantime why tiptoe around him? Just do your normal things in the mornings. He's got no right to a sleep in.

Oh and you could try yanking on his toes really hard. I had a boyfriend that tried this on me when we had some very early morning travel starts as "he'd read about it somewhere". Yes, it worked...bastard.

Frazzle76 · 15/07/2021 10:23

When we sleep in different beds (alot, 2 kids who never sleep and no super king) then the person who wakes up first comes through to the other room for a snuggle with whichever child they have so we all have a bit of family time. Doesn't always work but I'd be getting the kids to go into the sofa bed with him for a snuggle first thing. (If they arnt teenagers, can Imagine how well that would go down! Ha!) Doesn't really matter if it doesn't wake him up but means you don't have to tiptoe round him.

SlothinSpirit · 15/07/2021 10:29

Just let the kids jump on him. That's how I get my DH up if he's lazing around in bed.