To not want him asleep in the living room when we all get up?

[Qwersl]

OH works 4 nights a week, on most of his nights off he'll sleep in the front room.

The two main reasons he sleeps in the living room are because he likes to game into the early hours of the morning and he's also a terrible snorer who I just can't sleep next to. Sadly.

I would love him to sleep in our bedroom but he isn't putting much effort into addressing the snoring because he actually enjoys gaming all night and falling asleep on the sofa(bed) it's his 'him time'

He's on the ASD spectrum and set in his ways.

I digress.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting me and the children to have to tip toe around him in the morning when we need the use of the living room? He didn't get up until 9.30 today, after me trying to rouse him for half an hour and it's just not practical for the rest of us.

The kids get up between 7.30 and 8.00am regardless of what time he goes to sleep.

Hard to rouse and snoring would make me think sleep apnoea as well.....

I have had a BIL who used to do that - sleep on the couch - while I was minding his kids - and no I never ever tried to tip toe around him.

do you want him up and helping out or do you just want not to tiptoe round him. If you don't want to tiptoe round him then don't, if you need his help in the mornings then tell him so. If you want him to take the kids out so you can have some alone time then tell him so.

But he works nights! He's not 'lazing around' in the mornings; he's sleeping at a time that's, presumably, normal for him.

A lot of people don't go to the GP for sleep apnoea because it means losing their driving licence and therefore their livelihood. Could this be part of why your DP refuses?

As for lazing around I think that's quite harsh considering he works nights and that's his pattern? I agree he needs to get in an actual bed though and not obstruct the rest of the family.

Because they think it means*

It's not usually the case.

Getting up at 9.30am is quite reasonable for someone who doesn't have to be anywhere earlier.

However I understand your frustration and, frankly, your husband sounds extremely immature. What dad 'games' all night?

Is there anywhere else in the house you and the children can be for an hour or so, before he gets up?

The man is inconveniencing you, has poor habits (as well as snoring which, actually, can be addressed), and must learn some consideration.

I found a good snoring cure .. divorce

Meh, just leave him to it then. I can appreciate that the real issue here is he's snoring and won't deal with it, but you can lead a horse to water and all that.

What dad 'games' all night?

One who otherwise works all night? What do you suggest he should do on his nights off? His family is in bed asleep. Outside it's dark and everything's shut.

Not saying the current situation is ideal, but it's not as simple as saying he shouldn't do this or that.

A lot of people don't go to the GP for sleep apnoea because it means losing their driving licence and therefore their livelihood. Could this be part of why your DP refuses?

I know of three people who have sleep apnoea, use a cpap, and have their drivers licences.

A tip for the snoring: you need to work out why he's snoring first. There are different types - snoring caused by dehydrated tissue at the back of the throat, snoring caused by congestion, snoring caused by the airway narrowing too much and closing up (this is normally super loud and often the start of sleep apnoea). Different products will treat different types. Using a nasal clip will do FA if he's got sleep apnoea.

If he's a really loud snorer, an oral device will likely solve it (the NHS recommend them for heavy snoring and sleep apnoea). It's a mouthguard like a gum shield that pushes the lower jaw forward and keeps the airway clear. Voila! Silence once again. My DH uses the bog standard Snoreeze one (they do a fancy custom fit one too) and I don't hear a peep from him all night. I know your DP is on the spectrum, but try to convince him to give it a go. It's honestly life-changing.

I think some of the replies here have been a bit harsh and I agree with the later posters who have mentioned that this is obviously a normal sleeping pattern to him if he works nights.

No idea what can help with the snoring but I feel your pain as my DH is a snorer too. Only thing that helps is if he wakes me up in the night with his snoring I give him a jab in the ribs and make him turn on his side which stops it (until he inevitably rolls onto his back in his sleep again)

Could you compromise on him coming up to bed when he finishes on his game as you've said that doesnt disturb you? That way hes out of the way in the morning when you go downstairs.

Thank you for the replies and suggestions, I'm going to talk to him again today about speaking to the GP.

I expect a battle though as he won't even go to the dentist despite having toothache, so you can imagine the extent of the resistance.

Getting him to do things like that is like moving mountains, largely due to his ASD, but I'll persevere.

He's not a lazy man in general it's just his sleeping pattern of being on nights and of course the snoring. He's been busying himself with the kids since he got up and he's just got the hoover out, so he does pull his weight.

I agree with the PP who suggested he take the kids out and give me a bit of free time sometimes too. That would be great. He would have no problem doing so, if I asked, and I will.

Could you compromise on him coming up to bed when he finishes on his game as you've said that doesnt disturb you? That way hes out of the way in the morning when you go downstairs

I've actually suggested that many times but he doesn't do it. He's so used to sleeping on the sofa bed now it's become his normal and he doesn't like changing routine. He says it's because he doesn't want to disturb me though.

Yanbu. He needs to become unsettled in his ways if he is stressing the family.
ASD or not he is a father needing to grow up.
I'm sure there is plenty of other things that need doing in the house.
I stopped mine gaming, I don't give a shit he now sees life is much better between us. He was set in his ways comforts too.
I don't mind it occasionally but he isn't a teenager anymore.

My partner does this because I’m the snorer lol. He gets to hot in the bedroom, so the livingroom is cooler. My son 11 seems to follow him. I’m on holiday just now, so my partner goes to work, my sons sprawled out on the couch when I get up. It’s annoying. I’m quiet up till about 9, then the curtains get opened and hoover gets put on.

A lot of people on MN don't understand working nights. They seem to think you can come home and instantly go to sleep. I worked nights for 8 years and there is absolutely no way I could come home after a busy night at work and go straight to sleep. My brain would be whirring and I needed to wind down. I'd usually watch some TV for a couple of hours before I was able to sleep.

9.30am isn't really late if he's in a night-working pattern surely? The issue is just that he's taking up the living room. If he needs a bit more sleep due to his working pattern, can he not just move into the bedroom for an hour or two when you and the kids get up?

@Elune

A lot of people on MN don't understand working nights. They seem to think you can come home and instantly go to sleep. I worked nights for 8 years and there is absolutely no way I could come home after a busy night at work and go straight to sleep. My brain would be whirring and I needed to wind down. I'd usually watch some TV for a couple of hours before I was able to sleep.

9.30am isn't really late if he's in a night-working pattern surely? The issue is just that he's taking up the living room. If he needs a bit more sleep due to his working pattern, can he not just move into the bedroom for an hour or two when you and the kids get up?

Yes, I think that this is being overlooked, though the situation is non-ideal, there are only a limited way of dealing with it.

I do have a bit of sympathy too as I have stress-insomnia issues at the moment, and can only sleep on the sofa in the open-plan downstairs. Sleep is hugely important to so many body functions, and he's already on a slippery slope with night shifts.

Given that it's only until 9.30, it actually sounds like he's under-sleeping rather than being lazy.

What other space is there downstairs and how long are the kids up before him?

Open the curtains, TV on loud. Make as much noise as you like. I would not tip toe around him.

If your problem is the tiptoeing around, just stop doing it.

@Elune

A lot of people on MN don't understand working nights. They seem to think you can come home and instantly go to sleep. I worked nights for 8 years and there is absolutely no way I could come home after a busy night at work and go straight to sleep. My brain would be whirring and I needed to wind down. I'd usually watch some TV for a couple of hours before I was able to sleep.

9.30am isn't really late if he's in a night-working pattern surely? The issue is just that he's taking up the living room. If he needs a bit more sleep due to his working pattern, can he not just move into the bedroom for an hour or two when you and the kids get up?

I agree, I worked 10PM-6AM five nights a week for a few months last year and while in some ways I preferred it (I'm a night owl who can't function in the early mornings!), I was EXTREMELY glad I didn't have the responsibility of kids or anything similar because there was no way I'd have been any use to anyone after one of those shifts. I also had to read or watch something on Netflix (or, yes, even game!) for an hour or two before I could unwind enough to go to sleep. I understand it's a difficult situation for you with kids OP but if he's unable to change his job he's probably exhausted as well. Long-term night shifts take a toll on you mentally and physically. The suggestion of him going to the bedroom for a few hours in the morning is a good one. It's tough all round.

A lot of people don't go to the GP for sleep apnoea because it means losing their driving licence and therefore their livelihood

I find this worrying. How many dangerous drivers are there on the roads because of this?
They only lose their licence if they don’t take steps to deal with it. DH has very bad sleep apnoea. He has notified the DVLA, but because he uses a CPAP machine he has kept his driving licence

If you can't wake him up despite trying for half an hour, why on earth are you tip-toeing around him all morning?

I get him wanting to stay up and keep his routine on his nights off, but he needs to accept that he can't just take over the communal areas of the house while doing so.

Elune TBH I thought he works night shifts but on the days he doesn't or has worked days he was doing this.

But I think you're probably right it's when he's got in from work and winding down. Which is more understandable and realistically he needs to be getting sleep. Just not in the living room.

Sorry OP I was harsh on him, if it's how Elune has explained.

TBH I thought he works night shifts but on the days he doesn't or has worked days he was doing this.

That is correct yes, this is happening on his nights off.

When he's actually been at work he comes home in the morning, has breakfast and a shower, spends an hour with us and goes to bed in the bedroom.

The sleeping in the front room only happens on nights off.