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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to talk to FIL again

74 replies

GingerSweetpea · 14/07/2021 16:36

So I have suffered a lot with anxiety for a few years, it got very bad with c19. We moved house, had a baby and week later went into lockdown. I got so bad I was nearly pyscotic. Gp is aware etc.

Anyway to the point..
Knowing that I am very scared of the virus.
My FIL came to see my kids and give them bday presents. He doesn't believe in c19 or vaccines. He had symptoms of c19 a few days before we saw him but didn't tell us!

We didn't let him in but he kissed my kids without asking!

Next day my dd birthday he rings to tell us he tested positive for c19. We were literally about to take the kids out for some fun after school and had to cancel. Both kids birthdays were ruined as we then had to self isolate.

Personally I think he was being very reckless and selfish.

Me and dp are very angry at him. However I don't want to see him or talk to him agian.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm only jabbed once and have some health issues (not listed as highly vunrable but I don't think I'd cope well if I caught it).

The anxiety he gave me I couldn't eat and had stomach issues due to me being so worried that we had caught it. I couldn't sleep and it affected me badly.

A few months ago he also got this idea in his head that I don't like him which peed me off as I never said anything or did anything to suggest this.

Aibu to not want anything to do with him?

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 14/07/2021 17:59

A bit OTT to say you never want to speak to him ever again.

Muchasgracias · 14/07/2021 18:03

You have every right to be cross with him ignoring covid symptoms and visiting without giving you any warning of that.

However, he didn’t give you anxiety. Your reaction, how you handle this and resulting anxiety is all on you and you have to manage your way out of it. So i think YABU to not want to talk to him over this. It’s reckless and irresponsible but is it worth breaking up family over? Because that’s what might happen.

Let him know how angry you are. Set some boundaries together with your Dh and get working on controlling your anxiety.

Fl0w3ry · 14/07/2021 21:05

YANBU - people who go around spreading their germs because they don't believe in covid with no thought for their family or friends do not then deserve to spend time with their family or friends. Covid deniers and spreaders prove they don't value their friends or family lives. Happy to spread it because they have it like a cold, not caring if the person they have contact with dies.

Scubalubs87 · 14/07/2021 22:16

@Moulesvinrouge1 I was clumsy with how I ended my post, but that doesn't change the fact that part of the issue is the OPs anxiety! I also think the FIL was a bit of a knob but OPs reaction to the contact IS extreme and likely clouding her judgement. I get being pissed about it, I really do, but you also have to move on and not worry yourself sick which is much harder to do when you're in a heightened state of anxiety.

Macncheeseballs · 14/07/2021 22:26

Whst a tosser he is

Moulesvinrouge1 · 14/07/2021 22:40

[quote Scubalubs87]@Moulesvinrouge1 I was clumsy with how I ended my post, but that doesn't change the fact that part of the issue is the OPs anxiety! I also think the FIL was a bit of a knob but OPs reaction to the contact IS extreme and likely clouding her judgement. I get being pissed about it, I really do, but you also have to move on and not worry yourself sick which is much harder to do when you're in a heightened state of anxiety.[/quote]
Thanks for your comment. I do appreciate that anxiety doesn’t help things but I wish people would try and understand that some folk with disabilities, with anxiety or depression, with chronic conditions (such as mine, which makes breathing hard even in normal circumstances) or serious illness are still finding this ‘opening up’ anxiety inducing for actually quite sensible reasons. It’s not that we are neurotic, it’s that everyone is so keen to crack on with normal life we are seen as collateral damage for serious illness. Have look on the website of Scope or Asthma UK if you don’t believe me.

The OPs FIL is inconsiderate, and willingly put an at-risk person at risk, because he thought she was overreacting. He sounds an utter bellend, which is why I’d be avoiding him for a good while.

saraclara · 14/07/2021 22:55

Yes I'd be furious. But I wouldn't refuse to see him again.

You say he didn't come in. So he stood on the doorstep, handed over the presents and kissed your kids? It could be much worse. It's probably fairly unlikely that he passed it on. Yes, really annoying, but not family-splitting level.

Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 23:15

There must be something In the water today with some of the replies. As to the comments pushing this all on Op because she has anxiety- jeez, talk about dismissing someone because they suffer from mental illness.

This man is deeply selfish and a covid denier and knowingly ignored all his symptoms and visited any way but then went and got a covid test a few days later, which shock horror was positive. Classic MN it’s the OP who is getting the flack.

None of us know how we’d respond to covid, some people get very lucky and other young fit and generally well people have passed away, so it’s real shitty behaviour to be so arrogant and selfish to ignore that risk.

So yanbu to want to never speak to him again, but maybe that’s how you’re feeling now because it’s all very fresh and your mad and still worried. Again you’re totally justified in being pissed off. But should you long term cut contact? I’m not too sure. When the dust settles you and DH should really tell him how selfish his actions were and how they upset you though- get it off your chest in a nice calm way.

Dogvmarmot · 15/07/2021 00:00

@GingerSweetpea

I know we will all get covid at some point but I would like to delay it until I have had my 2nd vaccine

actually we wont all get covid if everyone gets vaccinated. I think it is quite reasonable to have no contact with those who refused to get vaccinated. Its there choice but so is keeping yourself and others safe. I am in highly double vaccinated region atm and that is the general feeling here - people are declining to socialise with friends who refuse to get vaccinated. Its not their right to spread disease and they increase the risk of variants. He sounds totally selfish - not vaccinated and has symptoms but comes anyway.

Saoirse82 · 15/07/2021 01:24

Didn't vote either way as YANBU to be angry about him coming over and kissing your kids when he has covid symptoms but YABU to cut him out completely. I think a frank conversation would be a better idea and some boundaries of what you're happy with.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/07/2021 01:30

He shouldn't have visited with symptoms if he got a test the following day he must have suspected it, for that reason I wouldn't speak to him.
If he'd had the test 2/3 days I'd accept it as an accident but not within 24 hours.
Aside from that try meditation or yoga for your health anxiety it's really bad for the DC.

LuaDipa · 15/07/2021 02:24

I would be furious but so would my dh. We aren’t particularly anxious as a family but are still avoiding unnecessary risks. Even prior to Covid, I would never meet up with anyone without informing them if one of us was feeling under the weather and I would expect the same consideration from others. Your anxiety may be making all of this feel worse, but it doesn’t change the fact that he behaved carelessly around your dc. I wouldn’t be rushing to see him again.

JuneJuly · 15/07/2021 06:32

I wouldn't have spoken to him again once I knew he didn't 'believe' in covid.

Saltyslug · 15/07/2021 06:47

One injection offers high protection so don’t worry Heath wise. Information available online to back this up the effectiveness of one injection.

Does he know you had to cancel both parties?
He probably understands covid more now and I suspect kissing your kids was done unthinking and without malicious intent. Yes it’s annoying, yes it’s messed up the parties and youve had to isolate but it would be a silly thing to cut contact. He made a mistake, an error of judgment and I’m sure you make unintentional mistakes too in life. Forgive him and move on. You’ve both learnt something from the experience

girlmom21 · 15/07/2021 06:54

I don't think you're wrong to be angry but if he wasn't in your house how was he close enough to be able to kiss 2 children without you asking him not to if you didn't feel comfortable with it?

I think to never see him again is a bit dramatic.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/07/2021 06:54

OP, you sound very ungrounded and pretty unwell.

Your FIL is probably very annoying but so are lots of people and you need to be able to handle that with a bit more resilience. Get some help.

Weebleweeble · 15/07/2021 06:59

I think it's awful that he ruined the DCs birthday parties - I mean things are pretty miserable but to risk that was selfish of him.

Anyway - I would avoid him and avoid talking to him, discourage him from coming round as you don't want to risk catching anything - but I wouldn't tell him I'm never speaking to him again as it could just cause more stress and angst in the family.

Grimacingfrog · 15/07/2021 07:29

I'd be very annoyed that he put you in a situation of possibly getting Covid. It is selfish and stupid of him.

However it's a complete overreaction to never speak to him again OP. I do think your anxiety is playing a part here. Have you thought of seeing a therapist privately to tackle it?

Do you feel able to tell your FiL how you feel? Or would your DH do that if you asked him. He might not realise how strongly you feel.

DinosaurDiana · 15/07/2021 07:38

I no longer see my FiL due to his behaviour. It’s very freeing.

Spanielstail · 15/07/2021 07:38

Okay for the Last time I've spoken to lots of Dr's about my anxiety. This post isn't about my anxiety!

It really is. He was very silly and reckless and I would also be angry bit your level of anxiety is palpable in your post.

You need to address it for your children's sake. Private CBT/ medication/ bibliotherapy whatever it takes or you will have highly anxious children.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

Nicolastuffedone · 15/07/2021 07:39

Have you all taken a test? Do any of you have symptoms? Sorry, if these questions have been asked, I may have missed them…

Original poster

GingerSweetpea · 15/07/2021 12:22

Thanks for the replies. There are other reasons why I don't feel like speaking to him agian which brings up huge red flags about him which I won't go into. This is just the cherry on top.

We did get coughs but keep testing negative even on a pcr test so might have caught something else.

OP posts:

whatthejiggeries · 15/07/2021 18:20

The issue is your anxiety. Your FIL is entitled not to have the jab. I think you should be cross with him and lay down your ground rules but going NC is a bit OTT

Saltyslug · 16/07/2021 05:04

The initial anger is totally understandable but it’s clearly an unthinking error of judgment. Be cross and then move on.

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