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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to FIL again

74 replies

GingerSweetpea · 14/07/2021 16:36

So I have suffered a lot with anxiety for a few years, it got very bad with c19. We moved house, had a baby and week later went into lockdown. I got so bad I was nearly pyscotic. Gp is aware etc.

Anyway to the point..
Knowing that I am very scared of the virus.
My FIL came to see my kids and give them bday presents. He doesn't believe in c19 or vaccines. He had symptoms of c19 a few days before we saw him but didn't tell us!

We didn't let him in but he kissed my kids without asking!

Next day my dd birthday he rings to tell us he tested positive for c19. We were literally about to take the kids out for some fun after school and had to cancel. Both kids birthdays were ruined as we then had to self isolate.

Personally I think he was being very reckless and selfish.

Me and dp are very angry at him. However I don't want to see him or talk to him agian.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm only jabbed once and have some health issues (not listed as highly vunrable but I don't think I'd cope well if I caught it).

The anxiety he gave me I couldn't eat and had stomach issues due to me being so worried that we had caught it. I couldn't sleep and it affected me badly.

A few months ago he also got this idea in his head that I don't like him which peed me off as I never said anything or did anything to suggest this.

Aibu to not want anything to do with him?

OP posts:
MakeMineALarge1 · 14/07/2021 17:15

You need to learn to manage your anxieties.
You say you're speaking to Dr - but what are you doing for yourself?

Schrutesbeets · 14/07/2021 17:16

The anxiety he gave me I couldn't eat and had stomach issues due to me being so worried that we had caught it. I couldn't sleep and it affected me badly.

He didn't give you anxiety. That is your MH issue and something for you to tackle.

A few months ago he also got this idea in his head that I don't like him which peed me off as I never said anything or did anything to suggest this.

But you clearly don't like him, so he's right.

Aibu to not want anything to do with him?

Yes.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 14/07/2021 17:16

What a dick.

It's only polite to warn someone you've been feeling under the weather if you're seeing them anyway let alone when there's a bloody pandemic. Now he's ruined your kids birthday by being selfish.

I met up with my friend a few weeks ago and had a cold (tested negative so definitely just a cold) and made sure to let her know at the earliest opportunity that I had not been feeling well and was happy to reschedule if she would prefer. It's basic manners so that the person you're meeting can make their own mind up knowing they risk getting ill.

It might be an overreaction to say you'll never see him again... but I can't honestly say that I'd feel any differently. Is your DH particularly close to him? Would it be easy to take a step back and limit visits until things settle down a little and you can revisit it with a clear head, you may still feel the same though. (I probably would)

Thehop · 14/07/2021 17:17

He’s been a nob. Undoubtedly

I’d be keeping a Covid denier and anti Vaxxer away from my kids anyway to be honest.

NumberTheory · 14/07/2021 17:19

I understand not wanting to speak to him again. I think it would be OTT to actually never speak to him again on the basis of one selfish act. Probably wouldn’t see him for some months, though. And I would be keeping him at more arms length after that.

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2021 17:19

Croup presents the same as covid

Sn0tnose · 14/07/2021 17:21

I think it would depend on how he’s behaving now.

He had symptoms and still came to your home and kissed your children in the knowledge that he could have Covid and that the children’s birthday celebrations would need to be cancelled. If he was incredibly apologetic then I probably wouldn’t cut contact (although I’d ask him what on earth he was thinking and make it very clear that I thought he was a selfish dickhead). If he’s not at all sorry, then I certainly wouldn’t be keen on spending much time in his company and would avoid it wherever possible. No contact is a big thing though.

The whole thing with him accusing you of not liking him and having issues with other women in the family don’t make him sound like a delight either.

1forAll74 · 14/07/2021 17:22

I would not fallout with him over this, or stop speaking to him again. You may regret it later. Just tell him your thoughts, and try and get over this.

Moulesvinrouge1 · 14/07/2021 17:23

@Scubalubs87

The thing is OP, and I do mean this kindly, this thread is about your anxiety. You have a right to be annoyed but the extent to which you're angry with FIL is extreme which I would imagine is fuelled by how heightened your anxiety is. It's easier to be frustrated but move on when your you're not in such a heightened state all the time.

I've been told I've got to isolate today due to being a close contact. It means I can't return to work next week from maternity leave and meet my new class of children as planned. It's annoying and frustrating but there's no point in being angry about it nor am I particularly worried about catching it.

Good for you. You’re not worried about it. Excellent for you. The OP is though, so can we have a bit of understanding about that?

OP I also have a chronic lung condition and was advised to shield initially. Yes I’m double jabbed etc etc but most of the people currently with poor out comes from covid are also double jabbed. The nation has been taught for a year to stay in and be scared, if you’ve also got trouble breathing why wouldn’t you be trying to be on the safe side? The laissez faire attitude of ‘oh no one I know is using the app / isolating / bothering about COVID’ is great for the people who will get a cold at best.m, but let’s be honest that isn’t all of us is it? FWIW your FIL is an arse, anxiety needs to be taken seriously and to do it when he’d had symptoms is awful.

Twoforthree · 14/07/2021 17:25

@Sleepiebeauty

You are seriously overreacting.
No she’s not. I’d be furious.
RickiTarr · 14/07/2021 17:29

TBF @Moulesvinrouge1 lots of us are CEV and aren’t chronically anxious. One doesn’t automatically follow from the other.

Severe anxiety which almost tipped into psychosis is a health condition in its own right, and will be colouring OP’s view as much as her FIL’s scepticism is colouring his.

I realise there is a lot of anxiety about post-lockdown but that still doesn’t make an anxiety-driven response and entirely rational response. By definition, it isn’t.

gillysSong · 14/07/2021 17:29

YABU, but anxiety plays a big part in your life.
Please get some help, your child will pick up on your anxiety

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 14/07/2021 17:29

He’s an absolute nob. He doesn’t have to believe in it but he should respect you and your feelings. Who the hell gets a cough and goes off to visit a CV person?

JomeeSot · 14/07/2021 17:30

I would be furious too op.
He is completely at fault and so selfish.

RickiTarr · 14/07/2021 17:31

No she’s not. I’d be furious.

I’d be furious too, but permanently cutting contact is a step or four up from “furious”.

An estrangement could put a huge strain on OP’s marriage. That won’t help her MH.

pointythings · 14/07/2021 17:37

In your case I would be very angry and upset and yes, I would no longer like my FIL. I have no time for COVID deniers and antivaxxers, and your FIL is both.

But being brutally honest, your anxiety does also need addressing, if only because you deserve a better quality of life. GPs can be quite dismissive of anxiety, but you have to be the squeaky wheel. Whether it's medication, talking therapy or a mix, or even alternative medicine, there's something out there that will help you feel better, though perhaps not perfect. You owe it to your child to work as hard as you can on this, because having an anxious parent impacts on a child.

All the very best of luck. Flowers

Saidtoomuch · 14/07/2021 17:41

He's a knob, you are an over reactor but only because of your mental health issues. Not a good combination. Both he and your family had covid symptoms. You shouldn't have let him in your house and yes I would be upset about Birthday plans being disrupted. To be fair though it isn't like back in the pre covid days when you would have had a whole class party planned with entertainers and bouncy castles (just pause whilst I feel nostalgic). You'll just have to rearrange for another time. Its crap I know as my children and DH all have Covid now, so we're stuck in, but it isn't the end of the world.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2021 17:48

@RickiTarr

You sound like two extremes. He was much too cavalier, but presumably not malicious. You have health anxiety which has bordered psychosis, so by definition you really aren’t a good judge of what proportionate. I’d certainly sit on it for a while before you instigate a family rift.

What does your DH think?

Psychosis? Why would you say that?
toocold54 · 14/07/2021 17:48

We didn't let him in but he kissed my kids without asking!

Does he usually have to ask to kiss your kids?

It’s a hard one because part of me thinks he was wrong to come over with symptoms but then I’ve had symptoms for ages and I’m not positive it’s just a mixture of hay fever and a cold do he may not have realised it was covid.

I would be unhappy about it but I wouldn’t hold it against him as life’s too short.

RickiTarr · 14/07/2021 17:49

Psychosis? Why would you say that?

Because it’s in the first paragraph of the OP.

RickiTarr · 14/07/2021 17:51

TBF, I’m wondering how he got in in the first place, since OP says they didn’t let him in, but probably shouldn’t drag this off on a tangent.

MzHz · 14/07/2021 17:52

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I think it is about your anxiety because I bet every area of your life is affected by it. Not speaking to him again is going to affect your children’s and partner’s life too.
What a lot of nonsense

I’d be fucking furious If some nutter in law who didn’t believe in Covid came and kissed the kids without even considering the risks… let alone if he tested positive!

This isn’t about her anxiety, she’s said it because she’s been cautious and they’re not being at all respectful of her or her family.

Please just listen to op? There are times where people are posting one thing but needing help with something else, this isn’t one of those times

MirandaBlu · 14/07/2021 17:54

YANBU to be upset and angry. You have the right to make desisions about your health and your childrens' (along with your H) and they should be respected by people who are supposed to love and care about you.

HOWEVER - I wouldn't rush to tell FIL that you never want to see him again. You're upset (understandably) and you're all potentially unwell. Even if you decide never to see him again yourself, your H may want to see him alone or with the children. Either way, don't give FIL a chance to blame you for coming between them. If you all decide to stay away from him, or just you do, there's plenty of time to make that clear later.

Avoid him for now. If he normally stops by your house unannounced, have your H contact him to say your family are isolating (or if you're done isolating, that you need some space and privacy) and not to come around until invited.

Direstraitsmates · 14/07/2021 17:56

Yabu. The world is going mad.

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 14/07/2021 17:57

Totally missing the point of the post but if he didn’t come in your house and I assume you were standing 2 metres away from him then why do you all have isolate. Did track and trace tell you to. Okay so he kissed the toddler so surely only the toddler isolates.
Anyway he is a first class fool

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