AIBU to still hate my BIL

[Belle82]

This is not something I want to feel because I feel my hatred of this man is only hurting me but I really don't know how to move forward and "forgive"!?

I don't often, if ever, talk about this, only two friends and my brother's know what happened, they are completely on my side but I need some impartial advise please and the ladies on here have always been so great with advice.

When I was 5/6 months pregnant with my LG (now 3 years old) we had my BIL over for some food and a few drinks. It was a great night, I went to bed early and the next thing I know he was arguing with my other half because my BIL was acting completely out of hand, he was staying over in our spare room. I heard one of them leave the room and storm downstairs and I went to check, my BIL was stood there with the most evil psychotic look in his eyes. He said "f**k you too" and punched me in the nose, breaking it.
My nose was pouring with blood when my husband came back upstairs and knocked him out, the fight continued and to be honest as he is army trained I was terrified because if he knocked my husband out we had knives downstairs and he was not himself, just completely psychotic. Called the police and thankfully they came and took him away.

I was taken to hospital as baby had stopped moving during all of this and finally got home later that morning with my nose still bleeding.

He doesn't live in this country thank goodness, but apparently he tried to come over to apologise when he was released from custody but was advised to stay away by a family member.
He text my husband and asked if he could speak to me on the phone around a day or so later but I was still very shaken up and didn't want to talk to him.

Since then, 3.5 years ago I have never actually had an apology, it just really hurts, as though, oh well doesn't deserve to really try for an apology as it wasn't that bad. I didn't want to see him or speak to him understandably but would you never make an effort to send a message on social media or a letter or a text just to say you were sorry. There was just nothing.

I didn't ever know he had this side to him, long story but i didn't end up pressing charges, but, i later found out he had been abusive to his wife a couple of times before this and when i heard that i wished i had pressed charges.
He has (the family thinks) PTSD from army days, but has refused to ever see a counsellor about it, so this could happen again.

What makes it worse is that 48 hours after we had my MIL around and she told me "lets sweep it under the rug now", and my husband agreed, I don't blame him (and we have discussed it in depth with a counsellor because I had resentment towards him that i didn't realise), he was raised under the, don't make a fuss, kind of mindset.

Now any colds I get turn into very painful sinus infections and i need to have an operation when my next baby is born (i am almost 5 months pregnant) to reset what was broken to stop the infections.
I am also still dealing with remaining PTSD from that night, every time i walk down the corridor i get a horrible feeling like someone is watching me, i'm sure being pregnant again is brining back some of the emotions. When ever i try and talk about it with my husband or MIL it is met with complete silence as though they just want to forget it ever happened, but with the pain and PTSD it isn't dead and berried to me.

He doesn't live here and knows never to show his face near us again (my husband has completely cut him off as well) but there will come a time (funeral's of his parents) that i will need to see him again.

I know i need to move on from this because fantasizing about hurting him isn't doing my mental health any good, but i can't seem to move past it, the hate i have for him is still so real.
I think it kind of comes down to two things, never having a proper apology and not having the support to process the feelings which have come from it.
But these are things out of my control so i need to move past it.

If there is anyone who has any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you

Bloody hell -I thought my BIL was an asshole till I read this!
I have no suggestions or solutions about how/if you can move forward with this, because I don’t know that I could

Part of the problem, I think, is the idea of sweeping it under the rug. How dare your husband sweep this appalling abuse under the rug. You probably need individual and couples counseling to deal with this. I am guessing you are not a British citizen because I don't think you would be expected to go to a funeral where the brother would be present. He should be in jail.

Are you not in the UK? The police would go ahead with prosecution with a violent offence to that extent they wouldn't put the decision of whether to prosecute on the victim, especially when it's a domestic family incident.
Aside from that I would never be in a room with that man again, he broke your nose!! Why would you want an apology from someone like that? It's not going to change anything or give you answers as to why he did it. You're much better off without him in your lives

Wow this sounds like an absolute nightmare. And your MIL is really not helping by 'brushing it under the carpet'. He could end up killing someone (or himself) if his mental health issues are not addressed.

As for how you can move on, it must be really difficult because you're in a sort of 'holding pattern' because your MIL and DH won't hold him to account on it either. Can you explain to them that you can't move past this?

Have you spoken to a counsellor at all?

Thank you so much for the support.
I am British but I think I may have confused matters, I meant my husbands parents. I can’t not attend those as they have been in our life so much and I wouldn’t want this person to keep me from them but I would be very shocked if he was not there too.

@KingdomScrolls yes we are from England, sorry, it’s him who doesn’t live here. But that is a really good point, I have no idea why the police put that on me and didn’t proceed as like you say the criminal prosecution service don’t need the victim to press charges to make a case. I may need to look into that. Thank you ❤️

Don't ever let this man back into your life and I speak from experience of a nasty, sometimes violent and aggressive family member. Our life is free from the worry of what they are going to do next. In my experience these people do not change and use apologising and the word 'family', to reappear in your life and take great pleasure in making it hell. Take my advice, get him out of your life now. For good.

wtf? I wouldn't be happy with my husband wanting me to get over it either

Your BIL is a cunt and it is deeply, deeply unhealthy that your MIL and husband felt that sweeping it under the rug was the way forward. Fuck that. He, unprovoked, punched a pregnant woman in the face, breaking her nose. That is unbelievable.

If I were you, I’d go completely NC with his family, every single one of them. Whether your H decides to see them is up to him, but I would have no more to do with any of them. And then I’d try to move on, having removed the potential triggers.

Oh, and you are not unreasonable to still be struggling with this when you have been so completely unsupported.

[quote Belle82]@KingdomScrolls yes we are from England, sorry, it’s him who doesn’t live here. But that is a really good point, I have no idea why the police put that on me and didn’t proceed as like you say the criminal prosecution service don’t need the victim to press charges to make a case. I may need to look into that. Thank you ❤️[/quote]
I’m in Scotland, so I know the legal system is different, but the CPS who make the charging decisions may have seen you as a “hostile witness”, and as victims you’re the main witness, so difficult to secure a conviction so the charges weren’t brought

Jesus christ you poor thing!!! I am in shock op.

No,they cannot make you continue to sweep this under the rug.

You need to keep going,keep telling. If they wont listen,go to more counselling. Please. Do not try to forget this.

Tell them again you are suffering and can't move past it. I'm so sorry this happened to you

Is it too late to press charges? I don't know how that works. Did the family ask you not to at the time??

Ah just saw the updates..

You are doing the right thing by keeping this man out of your life. My only advice is to try not to think about potentially having to meet him in the future - is there any reason to think funerals might be in the near future? Lots could happen before then.

Thank you so much, you have no idea how much it means to have impartial advice about this. I thought being so affected by it still was ridiculous. And family and friends are kind of always there for you but it’s really helped to hear it from all of you. Thank you so much

Jesus christ no wonder you have ptsd no i wouldnt sweep itunder the carpet my parents would have cut him out not tell me to get over it

@Ginmakesitallok unfortunately his dad is in his 80’s and his mum is 79, I can’t imagine them not being here as I care about them both. But it’s only a matter of time

He sounds absolutely awful, and I'm not defending him at all. But it does seem that you're not quite looking at this bit rationally...

apparently he tried to come over to apologise when he was released from custody but was advised to stay away by a family member.
He text my husband and asked if he could speak to me on the phone around a day or so later but I was still very shaken up and didn't want to talk to him.

Since then, 3.5 years ago I have never actually had an apology, it just really hurts, as though, oh well doesn't deserve to really try for an apology as it wasn't that bad.

It seems that he tried to apologise to you twice. But a family member, and then your DH, told him to stay away from you. It seems that he's respected that. If he'd pestered you, we'd all be annoyed that he hadn't respected the fact that you didn't want any communication with/from him. So I'm not sure you can assume that he doesn't think the incident was worthy of an apology.

You're clearly, and reasonably traumatised. But I think you need some help in unpicking things for your own sake, not his. Because living with this sort of memory and lack of resolution is worthy of some counselling.

Are you able to get some more counselling now? I think you are still suffering from that night and your hormones will be All over the place. Can you discuss it with the midwife next time you see her.

Also a bit extreme maybe but is it worth looking to move as that part of your home, where you should feel safe, is clearly very triggering.

BIL is an abusive cunt. You may benefit from EMDR therapy, it can help process trauma.

Do not forgive him, what he did was and still is unforgivable. On top of the horrendous nature of the original unprovoked assault, he left you with health problems that have caused repeated infection to occur in your body and that requires an operation for heaven's sake.

There's barely a woman in the world, that has been wronged by a man, who has not heard, "god-d-d, do you have to keep going on about it. Just let it go, will you", or something along those lines. Usually from the man but also often from his relatives.

So often, it's not the mans fault because he has "blah blah blah" bullshit excuse that, in reality, is no excuse.

Then it is incumbent upon the female victim to be all understanding and forgiving. If she does not immediately make nice upon demand, she becomes the one to blame for any further consequences.

Just one of the standard ways to make what a man does wrong more about the woman's response than about what the man did.

No.

Enough of that.

BIL did the deed.

You are an innocent victim.

All consequences are his and he has done exactly nothing in an attempt to make things right.

Fuck him.
Fuck his mother.
Fuck your DH (on this issue)
He, nor anyone else, has the right to expect you to "sweep it under the rug".

Bloody hell OP, You are entitled to completely hate your BIL for what he did! i didn't expect something so awful to be honest! you poor thing, The whole 'brushing it under the rug' is awful from both your husband and MIL and is enabling his behaviour. Whether he has PTSD or not from the military doesn't excuse this, OR people making an excuse.

Could you possibly have further counselling? as it cannot be nice for you to be thinking about him and fantasizing about hurting him (as valid as this is!) you deserve to be free of those thoughts.

My BIL is a bully, yet his whole family except my DH enable it and make excuses so he goes through life treating people awfully with no consequence, so we are NC with them and life is so much better.

Ahh I totally forgot to say.
My BIL is not my husbands brother, he is my is married to my husbands sister.
Kind of almost makes it worse as it feels like the family is protecting this hideous man, and he’s not even a blood relative.

I have looked into EMDR therapy but it’s just so expensive and I can’t afford it. I will definitely discuss with the midwife the next time I see her and hopefully she can advise any low cost therapy I might be able to access on the NHS.

I couldn't forgive that and I couldn't forgive other family members including DH telling you to sweep it under the carpet. It's all absolutely horrendous.