AIBU to still hate my BIL

[Belle82]

This is not something I want to feel because I feel my hatred of this man is only hurting me but I really don't know how to move forward and "forgive"!?

I don't often, if ever, talk about this, only two friends and my brother's know what happened, they are completely on my side but I need some impartial advise please and the ladies on here have always been so great with advice.

When I was 5/6 months pregnant with my LG (now 3 years old) we had my BIL over for some food and a few drinks. It was a great night, I went to bed early and the next thing I know he was arguing with my other half because my BIL was acting completely out of hand, he was staying over in our spare room. I heard one of them leave the room and storm downstairs and I went to check, my BIL was stood there with the most evil psychotic look in his eyes. He said "f**k you too" and punched me in the nose, breaking it.
My nose was pouring with blood when my husband came back upstairs and knocked him out, the fight continued and to be honest as he is army trained I was terrified because if he knocked my husband out we had knives downstairs and he was not himself, just completely psychotic. Called the police and thankfully they came and took him away.

I was taken to hospital as baby had stopped moving during all of this and finally got home later that morning with my nose still bleeding.

He doesn't live in this country thank goodness, but apparently he tried to come over to apologise when he was released from custody but was advised to stay away by a family member.
He text my husband and asked if he could speak to me on the phone around a day or so later but I was still very shaken up and didn't want to talk to him.

Since then, 3.5 years ago I have never actually had an apology, it just really hurts, as though, oh well doesn't deserve to really try for an apology as it wasn't that bad. I didn't want to see him or speak to him understandably but would you never make an effort to send a message on social media or a letter or a text just to say you were sorry. There was just nothing.

I didn't ever know he had this side to him, long story but i didn't end up pressing charges, but, i later found out he had been abusive to his wife a couple of times before this and when i heard that i wished i had pressed charges.
He has (the family thinks) PTSD from army days, but has refused to ever see a counsellor about it, so this could happen again.

What makes it worse is that 48 hours after we had my MIL around and she told me "lets sweep it under the rug now", and my husband agreed, I don't blame him (and we have discussed it in depth with a counsellor because I had resentment towards him that i didn't realise), he was raised under the, don't make a fuss, kind of mindset.

Now any colds I get turn into very painful sinus infections and i need to have an operation when my next baby is born (i am almost 5 months pregnant) to reset what was broken to stop the infections.
I am also still dealing with remaining PTSD from that night, every time i walk down the corridor i get a horrible feeling like someone is watching me, i'm sure being pregnant again is brining back some of the emotions. When ever i try and talk about it with my husband or MIL it is met with complete silence as though they just want to forget it ever happened, but with the pain and PTSD it isn't dead and berried to me.

He doesn't live here and knows never to show his face near us again (my husband has completely cut him off as well) but there will come a time (funeral's of his parents) that i will need to see him again.

I know i need to move on from this because fantasizing about hurting him isn't doing my mental health any good, but i can't seem to move past it, the hate i have for him is still so real.
I think it kind of comes down to two things, never having a proper apology and not having the support to process the feelings which have come from it.
But these are things out of my control so i need to move past it.

If there is anyone who has any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you

I am sorry it sounds awful but I think you need to work out what it is you want. Your husband has cut him off. What is it that you are wanting people to do? When he rang and wanted to speak to you I am guessing he was intending to apologise then. When you quite rightly said you didn't want to speak to him - I am guessing he thought your wishes was to cut him off and he did not contact you again. Are you saying you are now ready to accept his apology? Ask for that if that is what you need. Are you saying when there is funerals you either want to a) have agreement you will not go and everyone will be OK with that or b) have agreement if he goes he does not approach you?
I agree with others it sounds like you have been through something horrific and further counselling would hopeful help.
What happened to you was unforgiveable but please also remember your husband quite rightly lost his brother that night so its likely you are both emotional about that night.

What an awful thing to happen to you especially in your own home where you should be able to feel safe.

Could you explain to your DH that you need his support? His brother has attacked you, left you traumatised and with ongoing health issues. I think he needs to acknowledge that you have every right to be struggling to get past this. It simply isn't possible to brush it under the carpet and he should not expect you to do so. You may need more couples counselling to make him understand your feelings. Once he realises that you need his support , then you should tackle your MIL together and explain that you can no longer ignore what happened and she needs to support you in this. If she really wants to put it behind her then she needs to prevail upon your BIL to get counselling and help to control his violent outbursts. If she cannot understand how much this incident has affected you then maybe she doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you.

To help yourself maybe you could write a letter to your BIL telling him how his actions affected you and how much you would like to hurt him now. Don't send it, just burn it, scatter the ashes and try not to give him any more mind space.

Sorry I just saw your report that he was not your husband's brother. That makes it so much worse somehow.

My BIL is not my husbands brother, he is my is married to my husbands sister.
Kind of almost makes it worse as it feels like the family is protecting this hideous man, and he’s not even a blood relative.

That's bizarre. They seem to be trying to protect DH's sister from the emotional fall out, when really they should be worried that he's probably abusing her too.

I've just re-read your OP. And it really screams out that you need counselling. Have you approached your GP? I can't help feeling that there must be charities out there who would help you at no or low cost, too.

It might be tough to find it when Covid has led to a lot of pressure on mental health services, but I think being pregnant might help move you up the list. I would seriously leave no stone unturned at this stage. Your state of mind comes across very clearly, and you need to be as well as possible when your baby arrives.

Good luck, and if you struggle to find the momentum to research this, maybe get the friends who know about it to help find out what's available?

Your poor SIL, I hope she's getting the support she needs :(

What happened to you was and is horrific!
He hasn't apologised bc it's easier not to take the risk of being blasted for making contact and bc he's scum.

I would put him and parents in law to one side (easier said than done obv) and deal with your husband and how to be able to discuss this issue and have him understand what you are living through.
Your husband is probably very bitter about what happened and it is easier for him not to confront that this man attacked you and endangered yours and your child's life. I imagine that is behind his refusal to face and confront this.

We have a trauma issue in my extended family and one side just prefers not to deal with it (that is how they were brought up and it is very difficult for them to consider therapy bc it just isn't what we do etc...)
I would see someone privately to help you broach this issue with your husband....
I found pregnancy stirred up a lot of pent up injustices in my past. I hope you can enjoy your family in spite of this horrible trauma

Get on to your midwife and ask for a referral to psychologist. This trauma is being triggered by your pregnancy and it's shit that your enjoyment of pregnancy is being tarnished by that horrendous assault. If they cannot refer you then get on to your gp and get a referral for counselling. I cannot believe your Dh would agree to sweep this under the carpet. Fuck him and mil. They don't get to tell you to forget.

Crazy reaction from the family especially since he isn't even their son. What the hell?

Is your SIL still with him?

Fuck him, I'd look into pressing charges. Fuck sweeping it under the rug. If a stranger punched you and broke your nose you'd press charges so why protect this guy?

That's so awful, NBU at all

Please please please seek professional help.

You have to talk about this and process it. This man should never be anywhere near you ever again.

And I cannot understand your PIL at all.
I hope DH' DS is ok in her marriage

I wouldnt ever forgive that, nor any of them that stuck up for him or are dismissive of what happened. Is he still with your SIL? What did she say?

Don’t worry about having to see him in the future OP. He’s not your PiLs son, so he’s not a higher priority than you for family funerals. Is your husband still talking to his sister ? You will most probably be able to arrange things so that you can attend at least part of the funerals without seeing your asshole BiL. Besides, what are he odds he ends up divorced and not welcome anyway?

YANBU. No coming back from that.

(small point of order though - your DH clearly didn't 'knock him out' if the 'fight continued').

And again mumsnet with the 'press charges' crap. No such thing. The Police/CPS decide that. You can of course make a complaint.

BIL is gone. You'll never see him again (forget PIL funerals; just don't go). He's in another country so there is no point trying to bring charges now.

I think what is hurting you still, like a running sore, is that DH and Mil ARE in your life and made you sweep it under the carpet and STILL won't hear you. No wonder you can't forget being abused by BIL 3 years ago ; you are still enduring ongoing abuse. cruelty and neglect by his family.

That is something that you can do something about.

Either; they MUST hear your feelings and ongoing trauma and humbly apologise for their awful insensitivity and lack of support, both at the time and ever since. That behaviour stops.

 Or,  if they refuse, then you  declare a unilateral end to  discretion and cover up which is so important to PILS. 

You will TELL every friend, every member of your extended family, everyone you know in PILs and DH's social circle. You will make a formal report to police , so there is a record of what he did; and you will seek govt compensation for your injuries.

When you go into hospital to get you nose fixed, you TELL EVERYONE that it was broken by BIL in an unprovoked vicious attack on a pregnant woman and your MIL covered it up. Your PILS are shielding a violent, serial abuser of women.

 You have nothing to be ashamed of;  they do.

Does your husband 's sister have children?

If so, her husband has already beaten two women and those children are also at risk.

No, you don't need to 'forgive and forget'. You are perfectly right to cut this man out of your life and to expect your life and to expect your DH to support you in this AND to see to it that no one 'badgers' you about it.

BUT, having done that it's time to 'drop it' with the family. By that I mean that there is no need to bring it up with them. You've made your position clear, 'nuff said. If the family brings up some 'forgive and forget' bullshit you quickly shut them down with "I've made my position clear on this, drop it" and if they won't you get up and walk out.

I do think that counseling would help you. You're giving this too much 'head space'. I'm not minimizing what happened to you, not at all. But in letting this consume a lot of mental energy is letting him 'win'. Counseling can help you put it in the right place in your mind. And when that happens you'll be able to deal with any potential meetings in the future in the way that is right for you. Including absenting yourself entirely.

Your ILs are probably worried about your SIL, hence sweeping it under the carpet. Doesn't make it right, though.

I don't blame you for not forgiving him. I wouldn't either. Sorry I know that's not taking the higher ground but I would never be around someone who is that unstable again.

Thank you so much for all your responses, I will seek out Counselling as last time I left it until my little girl was two years old mainly went because of my postnatal depression but I was told the PND was made a lot worse by the PTSD (which I didn’t realise I had). I would like to get ahead of any impact it might have I regards to PND this time so I will look to find a counsellor ASAP.

@Cheeserton sorry, I wasn’t clear enough on that point, I didn’t want to spend ages discussing that but in the op. So DH did knock out BIL, I had to climb over him to get to go downstairs, when I got downstairs he came too and the fight continued on the stairs.
I’m not sure I follow on the pressing charges bit, the police asked if I wanted to at the hospital, I declined. When I called back at a later date and asked they said it was too late.

@2bazookas thank you for this and I love this approach, I never even knew that compensation was a thing, I might look into that as it might help my afford counselling.
She does have 3 children with him, and that’s a worry of mine too that those children are at risk of him snapping again

Is he American? I ask because the way they’ve treated military PTSD there is appalling (not to mention the amount they’ve created, in the army especially), despite them making the “right” noise about it now. But regardless, his PTSD is not an excuse for violence; it absolutely does NOT give MIL the right to dictate that you should sweep the PTSD he’s now given you under the rug.

You are an innocent victim in this, and you’re entitled to sort it out however you need to, whether that’s contacting the police to see if you can still agree to support them filing charges (if there was a misunderstanding about it being too late), getting the funds you need from the criminal victims’ fund to get therapy, or hell, posting about it loudly and publicly every single day on Facebook for every family friend and all the world to see. He caused you this trauma and that makes it your choice.

I don’t think you staying quiet is “saving” SIL, if that’s MIL’s concern. It may, in fact, just be condemning her to abuse behind closed doors. So YADNBU.

There are two things that I think can help your move through this terrible situation.

1. Forgiveness to set your mind at peace.
2. Clear Boundaries to keep you safe.

Here is my advice on forgiveness in your situation.

Make time when you can be quiet.
Feel the emotions you feel - the pain, the injustice, the hatred.
Let them come in, bubble up and then wash away like a tide.
Say out loud “I forgive you xxx for the act, for the pain, for the loss of my time, for your lack of apology etc. I commit to focus ahead and move through this situation with peace that you can not steal.

Then when negative thoughts towards him cut them off quick. Remind yourself that you have forgiven him.

This means to no longer go over it again in your mind nor repeated talking about. You will need to do this step repeatedly- it’s not usually a one and done thing.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting which is where boundaries come in.

Such a violent person who has done you such harm is someone who you need to have a clear conviction that you will not see again. He does not deserve access to your life, home or family.

Sorry to open this thread which is now really old.
All your advice/kind words were more helpful than you can know.

I have been seeing a counsellor and something she told me a while ago was to write him a letter, making it clear i didn't want an apology (after 4 years and prompted by the person he attacked wouldn't be very sincere) or a response. Just for closure from my point, explain the ramifications of his actions that night. He pleaded ignorance "didn't remember what he had done" moments after it happened, so to explain in detail in the letter what he had done.
It's actually really helped putting all of it down on paper, and I really want to send it as i think he deserves to hold the burden of his actions now, i have been carrying around this hatred of him for too long and it's only hurting me.

I am worried about upsetting my SIL (his wife) an my MIL, couldn't care less about him.
What would you do? I feel it would help me MH wise, but I don't want to be bitched about for the rest of my life, by SIL & MIL.
Husband is supportive of the idea of the letter.

Hm, tricky one. Did your therapist actually advise you to send it?

Often these sort of 'closure letters' involve pouring everything out and then burning the letter and letting the feelings go.

If you send it, the shit could hit the fan, or he may not respond in the way you 'want' him to or feel he 'should'. Perhaps ignoring it, showing no remorse, or kicking off.

I'd sit with the letter, at least for a few days. People like your BIL aren't like you and me, and you can't make them feel guilty for the shit they've done.

I'm so sorry this happened to your and you're still struggling with it