No idea how to sort this out! Help!!!

[Sotiredofarguing]

I'll try to make this simple and to the point as I'm too exhausted from bickering to do much more.

Basically I'm currently struggling with mobility and awaiting an op. Nothing serious and will be fully fixed in around three months max I hope. The thing is I can barely do anything atm. I can't drive, walk around house only just, housework is extremely difficult due to pain and I can't stand for more than 5 mins so all in all not great.

OH is very good but works very long hours and sometimes away. I have no one who can help as all family very far away. I do have a DD 16 and DS 18. DS works 11 hour days including travel. DD off til September.

Neither of them ever been great at helping. DS will cut lawns after I ask and ask for around 2 weeks. He drives me back and forth, drives DD around, picks up shopping etc with no complaints however does little in the house unless specifically asked. DD looks after her horse and rides and has a part time job at weekends but usually 5 hours each day tops and often only one day.
.
If I ask she will eventually help in the house. In fact she will go mad and do lots for a day but then that's it for weeks. I have asked her and asked her to sort her bedroom and throw old clothes out but it's taken her a week up to now. When she isn't with her horse she is lying around on her phone for hours. If I keep asking she says I'm nagging but if I don't she won't move. The bathroom needs cleaning, there is piles of washing needs doing, vacuuming etc but she is oblivious.

When both DC here and I ask them to wash up all I can hear is bickering about how to split it fairly. OMG It's a few fishes FGS!!!!! DD was washing up the things she'd used (latest trial is to just wash your own stuff) and she said "Do I have to do those too" it was one small saucepan, a bowl and one cup. She was just going to leave them, but for who? Me or DH?

How have they got so bad and how do I make it fair as DS works but DD home. I cannot live like this much longer and feel I will have to just get a
cleaner until I am better. I try to be patient but I've finally had enough. It took three months to get DD to write one letter to someone. It meant a lot to me but she just wouldn't do it. If I say anything she just comes back at me saying that I'm also untidy so I feel I have no room to manoeuvre this situation forward.

AIBU To expect better than this?

@Sotiredofarguing you absolutely haven't failed! They just sound like typical, self involved teens! Look at all the threads here on similar issues.

Like my pp said, do you think they know how unwell and exhausted you are? If you keep struggling you are they may just be (annoyingly!) oblivious?

How have I failed so badly?

You are where you are, but the answer to this is relatively obvious isn't it? You - and your husband of course! - have let them get away with contributing nothing to the running of the house all their lives and they simply don't think it's anything to do with them.

The question is what do you do about it now? You can either insist that they act their ages and pull their weight, or privileges will be removed - or you can pay for help and let them continue.

Not much other option really.

As others have said, I wouldn't worry too much about how they keep their own rooms (as long as it doesn't attract vermin LOL), but you need to have a family meeting, set out exactly how hard life is for you at the moment and make it very clear that if they cannot step up and act like adults to help out, then you will be less keen to help them out in the ways you always have.

You need lose your shit! Pardon the phrase. Teamwork needed. Have you any other family that could help ir sis or bro?

Speak seriously and directly to your DH and get his agreement for support and buy in.

Tell him that you know he would be only too happy to help more but is at work. So to help you AND him you need a whole family approach. And that the Dc will need to take serious responsibility.

Then call a family meeting.

Say that as a family you all need to work out how you can keep the household running for everyone until you are (literally) on your feet again.

Make a list of areas of responsibility and ask them how they think it would work best: a rota where jobs rotate from one person to another, or some other system.

Divide out the jobs.

Ask them what will they need from each other to succeed, and what might make it all go to pot.

If they do not co-operate and if DH doesn’t back you I would leave home and go to your Mum’s if possible and just leave them to it.

Or say ‘right, then we have to pay someone to come in, and we are stopping your mobile contracts / Netflix (anything paid for that they appreciate) to cover the cost, and provide the bare minimum of shopping etc.

But you need to have agreed this in advance with DH.

They do sound spoilt, lazy and oblivious.

You definitely haven’t failed. They sound normal and your DS at least is stepping up.
You need a cleaner. Non negotiable.
I’d divvy up the jobs. DD washing up. DS driving, add hoc shopping. DH lawn.
No one should be doing the big shopping- you can’t physically. DS can’t because he hasn’t got time. DH ditto time and DD doesn’t drive. Arrange supermarket deliveries.
I’m a big fan of shit losing as a rule but I’m not sure it should all be directed at the dc, dh needs to step up too.

Seriously I feel so upset. I mean I have not done this on purpose. I'm really hurt by them tbh. Yes DS is helping more but if couldn't drive he'd be just like DD. As I said, he cuts the lawn, but has to be knee high and two weeks of me asking before he will do it. He doesnt realise it stresses me.

As above, DD promised to do the main bathroom but never got around to it. She was waiting for a lift to the horse and I said "I suppose I will have to wash that lot up, sink full of pots" so she says "well when did DS last wash up"? This is the root of the problem. She's thinking why should I do it!!! She then quickly did it. I then mentioned the bathroom and she said "Can I just go and enjoy my ride? You can moan at me later?" Staggered!!

I think the only obvious answer is a gardener/cleaner and we will all contribute an equal amount as we make equal mess.

I have tried everything, family meetings, rotas, looking after one room each trying to explain to DH that he has caused this by ruining them but all failed. He still carries food up and brings their rubbish down.

I actually just feel let down. It's the first time I've ever needed their help. It's taught me a hard lesson sadly

OK, your DS can’t do so much as he has a job.

Would it help to pay DD for set jobs?

@Sotiredofarguing

Seriously I feel so upset. I mean I have not done this on purpose. I'm really hurt by them tbh. Yes DS is helping more but if couldn't drive he'd be just like DD. As I said, he cuts the lawn, but has to be knee high and two weeks of me asking before he will do it. He doesnt realise it stresses me.

As above, DD promised to do the main bathroom but never got around to it. She was waiting for a lift to the horse and I said "I suppose I will have to wash that lot up, sink full of pots" so she says "well when did DS last wash up"? This is the root of the problem. She's thinking why should I do it!!! She then quickly did it. I then mentioned the bathroom and she said "Can I just go and enjoy my ride? You can moan at me later?" Staggered!!

That’s really mean that you bagged her for one thing, then as soon as she’s done it you started nagging her for something else. You knew she was waiting for a lift to the horse.

The work needs to be done.

Ds has no time, but he does have money to pay a cleaner or gardener. Start charging him some rent for this.
Dd has the time an no money so concentrate on making her do regular jobs. If she doesn’t then say that you won’t go back to helping with the horse jobs when you are better. And stick to it.

@LadyCatStark

I'm sorry but I don't think that was mean at all. She'd been up 4.5 hours. There was one bowl of dishes to do which she was happy to go out and leave if I hadn't mentioned it. I didn't start nagging her to clean the bathroom before her lift. I simply made it clear that yet again (like always) she'd said she would do something then didn't.

Do you think I should have done the dishes and not even mentioned the fact that she'd yet again not done as she promised. How would that help?

It sounds as though you also need to stop hinting (re the bedding plants) and just ask/put it on the list of things for the family conference.
Lower your standards (is mowing the lawn really critical? Is 2 weeks often enough?)

Yes, I’d have thanked her for doing the dishes and mentioned the bathroom again later on after she’s been for a ride. Being nagged straight after you’d done one job would get anyone’s back up especially something like cleaning the bathroom, everyone hates that job! It just seems like she’s carrying most of the burden of housework while your DH and her brother are getting away with it because they work, but she’s 16 and shouldn’t have to spend her summer doing housework.

Social services might be able to assess you if you can't do your normal activities of daily living and it's affecting your wellbeing. You might be entitled to some short term support (you may be charged for this though).

Definitely cleaner, supermarket deliveries, etc.

Would it help to give your kids analogies based on the stuff they like? So for DD, presumably when mucking out the horse or cleaning tack, she’d do everything because she loves the horse, and not say “do I have to do that bit too?” about something she didn’t create (struggling to think of an example because my horse knowledge is limited to Jilly Cooper). But basically I’m guessing she wouldn’t be petty about tit for tat etc when it comes to the horse? Be the horse, OP!

And for DS, presumably at work if his boss says “please can you do [the work task equivalent of mowing the lawn]?”, he wouldn’t lark around for a couple of weeks waiting for his boss to keep bringing it up again and again? Be the boss!

Failing all that: outsource the tasks (cleaner, gardener etc), and stop financing horses, phones, WiFi, until they stop bickering and just pull their fingers out.

I really feel for you OP, not so much that your kids won't do what you need them to do, but simply for the frustration you're feeling at not being able to get things done yourself. Twenty years ago, I hurt my back and was in a very similar situation to yourself, couldn't walk, stand, etc, so doing jobs was too much, my DH did what he could, and eventually I had the operation that was going to fix my life .............. or so I thought! Sadly, the operation wasn't a success, and 20 years later, while I can do some things, I do still struggle with a lot. However, my mind set has had to change, when I was first struggling, pre op, I was really house proud, and if a friend came round and offered to help, I was too proud and said 'no it's fine', but now if someone offers help, I say 'yep, have at it'!! I think you do need to accept that at least for the time being, things aren't going to get done to your usual standard. I agree with PP who suggested you get a dishwasher, as my poor DH was doing a full day at work, and then having to come home, cook a meal, wash dishes, see to washing, ironing, etc. I figured there wasn't much I could do about the cooking etc, but I could get a dishwasher, and what a difference it's made. I do think that your DH has really spoiled your kids, although it sounds like you've contributed a bit by always doing the work with the horse, while just letting your daughter do the fun bit - riding, and I think there have been some useful suggestions on here, like taking away wifi and stop paying for phones until your daughter helps a bit more. Hope your op is successful, and that you'll soon be back to normal, although hopefully this will have taught you a few lessons about what useless kids you've helped raise.

@LadyCatStark

Yes, I’d have thanked her for doing the dishes and mentioned the bathroom again later on after she’s been for a ride. Being nagged straight after you’d done one job would get anyone’s back up especially something like cleaning the bathroom, everyone hates that job! It just seems like she’s carrying most of the burden of housework while your DH and her brother are getting away with it because they work, but she’s 16 and shouldn’t have to spend her summer doing housework.

Are you serious?? It seems like she's carrying most of the burden of housework?? She's either riding her horse or on her phone lying down, with the very occasional bit of help after nagging. Yeah you're dead right! No one likes cleaning the bathroom. Shall we all just not bother cleaning our bathrooms? I don't particularly like being outdoors all winter with horses, or clocking up a hundred miles in a weekend picking up and dropping off etc (before I got ill) Life is full of things we don't like but tough! It's the first god dam time I've ever asked for help. Let's not get carried away, she washed a bowl of dishes. I should not have even had to ask her to do them, BECAUSE I CANT AND NO ONE ELSE WAS HOME!!! As for nagging her as soon as she's finished one job. She had promised to do the bathroom then left it. Incidentally after the ride she got home and went on her phone.

How have DH and DS got away with doing nothing. DH is doing washing and ironing, cooking, keeping kitchen tidy etc as well as having to do more of his own work in the evenings, often until after 11.
DS works 11 hours and he is doing drop off/collect DD from stables, taking her and collecting from friends etc. He then has 5am starts.

You say DD should not have to spend her summer doing housework, but it's usually ok for me to spend mine doing it??? Come on this isnt child slavery. It's asking a 16 year old to just step up and help a little. She's not chained up. I asked her to clean one room, we don't live in a mansion.

Is ds working 11 hrs 5 days a week? I do have sympathy for you, but your posts seem increasingly to have vitriol for your daughter and anger she is doing stuff with the horses and on.her phone.
How often is dh home?
How compromised is your mobility? If you cannot wash a dish agree with pp for social services ot referral for aids/adaptations? Could the consultant who is managing your upcoming op refer?

Right I’d be thinking who pays for the horse? Does your dd pay herself on a part time job? Nope. So I tell her to get off her bum if she wants to carry on riding. They’re being very naughty, as part of a family you help when help is needed.

OP,
I don't think your kids are awful. They are typical teenagers, who are self absorbed and not self-motivated to do things like cleaning. You are totally within your rights to expect more- not only for your sake, but for theirs as they grow up into adults who are hopefully self sufficient and not entitled.

It feels to me like you aren't dealing with this directly or effectively, though.

There needs to be a fundamental logic/ principle established and applied. I would suggest something like:

1. Everybody who lives here contributes based on what is possible for them. There are no free rides or passengers
2. DS right now has little time but does have money. He therefore can contributes a few limited tasks and some money. If DS does not do his time contribution on a reasonable timescale, his rent goes up to pay for a handyman to do these things. If he doesn't like this, he moves out.
3. DD right now does not have money but does have time. So she contributes more time, and no money while also receiving the financial bonus of the horse. If DD does not do her share she loses access to horse until she does.

On the day to day.... You've mentioned several times asking for things in a very indirect way, (Eg mentioning 'my poor plants' and hoping dd will take the initiative', and saying your son doesn't realise how much it stresses you). I think you should be requiring things once, clearly, with deadlines. And if it's not done there is a consequence. (Lose phone/ access to horse for day or whatever).

I know it's easier said than done - but for their sakes, even as well as yours, you need to initiate them into responsibility.

@MichelleScarn

Yes my DS works 11 hours 5 days. DH works around 11 actual hours (hilariously since I posted this he's done a few 13 hour days) He has practically zero time for himself except when he's away. He is working on a massive project with an approaching deadline. Nothing he can do but suck it up.

I am honestly not gunning for my DD. There is no anger that she's with her horse and I have no objection whatsoever to her being on her phone. What I object to is that she is contributing virtually nothing at all towards helping. To see her in pjs all day, lying around on her phone and then going off to have fun with her horse and friends, coming home, back in pj's and back to lying down. Yes she promises to help but it never happens.

For instance, if I ask her to walk to the shop it can take three hours before she will go, even if it's something we need quickly (tell me someone who has never accidentally ran out of milk)

Yes we pay for her horse, she buys horsey stuff with her money. Prior to me being incapable she would go to stay with friends for an overnight helping with their horses and I'd be left doing hers. A few posters have said she shouldn't be spending her summer doing housework , agreed but I'm only asking for a small contribution. If they don't think she should be doing housework then why should DS do lifts, or DH washing, cooking etc. If everyone adopted that attitude we'd be in an even worse mess.

Incidentally even she thinks she's lazy herself, she admits she is!

Well from all the varying responses I've had from saying she's a brat to saying I'm mean to her I can see why this is so hard to sort out.

And yes! This was all created by DH for spoiling them and me being too willing to be an unpaid groom.

He goes away for three weeks next Saturday. So just me! Joy!

You aren’t being unreasonable, you just need to get tougher. The situation won’t change unless you make it change.