No idea how to sort this out! Help!!!

[Sotiredofarguing]

I'll try to make this simple and to the point as I'm too exhausted from bickering to do much more.

Basically I'm currently struggling with mobility and awaiting an op. Nothing serious and will be fully fixed in around three months max I hope. The thing is I can barely do anything atm. I can't drive, walk around house only just, housework is extremely difficult due to pain and I can't stand for more than 5 mins so all in all not great.

OH is very good but works very long hours and sometimes away. I have no one who can help as all family very far away. I do have a DD 16 and DS 18. DS works 11 hour days including travel. DD off til September.

Neither of them ever been great at helping. DS will cut lawns after I ask and ask for around 2 weeks. He drives me back and forth, drives DD around, picks up shopping etc with no complaints however does little in the house unless specifically asked. DD looks after her horse and rides and has a part time job at weekends but usually 5 hours each day tops and often only one day.
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If I ask she will eventually help in the house. In fact she will go mad and do lots for a day but then that's it for weeks. I have asked her and asked her to sort her bedroom and throw old clothes out but it's taken her a week up to now. When she isn't with her horse she is lying around on her phone for hours. If I keep asking she says I'm nagging but if I don't she won't move. The bathroom needs cleaning, there is piles of washing needs doing, vacuuming etc but she is oblivious.

When both DC here and I ask them to wash up all I can hear is bickering about how to split it fairly. OMG It's a few fishes FGS!!!!! DD was washing up the things she'd used (latest trial is to just wash your own stuff) and she said "Do I have to do those too" it was one small saucepan, a bowl and one cup. She was just going to leave them, but for who? Me or DH?

How have they got so bad and how do I make it fair as DS works but DD home. I cannot live like this much longer and feel I will have to just get a
cleaner until I am better. I try to be patient but I've finally had enough. It took three months to get DD to write one letter to someone. It meant a lot to me but she just wouldn't do it. If I say anything she just comes back at me saying that I'm also untidy so I feel I have no room to manoeuvre this situation forward.

AIBU To expect better than this?

@Sotiredofarguing

Ok I think there's confusion here as some are saying I'm belittling my son by saying he does nothing. Nowhere have I said he does nothing. I've already said he's being taxi driver by giving me lifts and DD and will pick up shopping. I am not talking a full shop, it's like "do you mind bringing a milk home and some biscuits"

Of course I am grateful and absolutely not belittling. What I did say which is true, is that he will barely do anything in the house. Before he could drive he did nothing hardly. It's just a fact

If I was working 11 hour days, then also doing taxi duties I'd probably not want to spend time doing housework / garden work either. If your DD is mainly doing horsey bits, with a part time job and is thinking that she is too busy as well.

I think the cleaner / gardener idea is a win win. We get our grass cut by gardener - he does it quicker than we could and it's not too expensive (£20ph)! And a cleaner would keep the main bits of your house clean and keep the pressure off your family. I understand you're frustrated with the situation, and seem to be annoyed by your DH / DD / DS - would the best solution not just be get people in to help out whilst it is needed? Probably not the best time for you to be trying to undo all of the learned attitudes they've got already, especially if you're not well

@JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace

Ah ok I see how that has come across. Not at all, I've asked DD to help in garden too. I've had to sit and watch 6 trays of bedding plants virtually wither away in their trays, despite watering, as I can't do them. Mentioned many times to DD but not interested. DS despises doing stuff in house. Yes they will do it but only if nagged and I'm worn out

I certain,y would not or do not expect DS to do anything in the house during the week of course, but if he'd just maybe do one thing to help at the weekend it would be nice. I know DD is the main culprit but it's so hard because she says well if DS wasn't working he wouldn't do it either and she's right.

@Whitney168

My son doesn't contribute financially no. I can't expect him to when DD has a horse that costs a lot monthly can I?

[quote Sotiredofarguing]@JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace

Ah ok I see how that has come across. Not at all, I've asked DD to help in garden too. I've had to sit and watch 6 trays of bedding plants virtually wither away in their trays, despite watering, as I can't do them. Mentioned many times to DD but not interested. DS despises doing stuff in house. Yes they will do it but only if nagged and I'm worn out[/quote]
This is what I was mentioning earlier. Hopefully you didn’t get a load of plants that need to be planted after your change in circumstances.

I think you all need adjust your expectations. You for trying to get everything done as normal and your family for pitching in a bit more.

@MichelleScarn It's not mess as such it's just what most people have to do daily but it's not being done daily or weekly therefore is looking awful.

DD finished for holidays and off til September.

Letter was to an older gentleman who has been shielding and whom we haven't seen for months due to his serious health conditions. He repaired something for her that I dropped off (obviously distanced) and I said as we couldn't visit so a short letter would be so lovely for him. I wasn't asking for a five page essay. Just a small thank you etc. It's just nice manners. She kept saying she'd rather wait until she sees him (translated to I can't be bothered)

My son doesn't contribute financially no. I can't expect him to when DD has a horse that costs a lot monthly can I?

Why not?

I also think it's time to tell DD that if she doesn't pull her socks up, the money for her horse is going to disappear. Or she can get a part-time job and pay for it herself.

@JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace

Not at all! Brought the plants before incapacitated. Kept hinting at dying plants. "Look at my poor plants. They'll soon be dead if not planted" Then actually asking, but nope! Nothing

Your kids sound incredibly spoiled. My brother was like that, treated my mum like a servant, and the sad outcome was he had no respect for her as an adult as she always let him walk all over her. All her life she knew he thought very little of her, it was so sad.

I would stop doing the kids laundry, the cooking, the food shopping. Also, Stop nagging them. They aren’t babies. Tell dd you are going to sell the horse because you need the money to pay for a cleaner and takeaways. Tell your son he has to contribute rent and pay for use of the car, or you will sell the car.

Then buy food for your own breakfasts and lunch, ideally something you know your kids won’t eat, and get food delivered every evening for yourself and DH. They’ll get the message.

Your kids are laughing at you. All these stupid compromises ( “ just wash your own dishes “) really don’t help. They are behaving like 6 year olds. You don’t argue back. You just tell them, this is how it is going to be from now on.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

DD has had her horse 6 years! That's an awful lot of money that he hasn't had. I'm not sure I can now ask him to contribute towards household bills when she has had so much more. It feels wrong .

She knows that threat would be empty as I adore him too much

She has a job already that pays towards horsey clothes etc

Unfortunately it sounds as if you have created one spoilt young lady. She has no respect for you, and she won't gain any if your DH is also running around picking up after her. Time for some tough love.

In general people like doing what they enjoy
DS - driving
DD - horse
At 18 & 16, I think that they should be doing household chores like washing up, cleaning their rooms, cook one meal a week as part of their weekly contribution. It is not rocket science !

You could get the shopping delivered in exchange for someone to cut the grass ?

The way I was taught, is that if someone needs help, you all pitch in until things improve

In future, if they need help, will they be looking to you for help ?

Lazy !

@CustardyCreams I totally agree they have been spoilt. Kids of parents who were not SAHM's are far better at helping.

The car already belongs to my son, it's his car

The horse threat would never work as she knows how much I love him

I feel trapped in a cyclone. I could cry tbh. I can't believe that they won't do more knowing the state I'm in. I mean my son is working hard but if he was home for summer would be the same as DD

I would be focusing more on your daughter as she is the one who has no obligations.

Apart from the horse...who is paying for the horse?

It sounds like everyone is busy! We have ponies and they can take up a lot of time, especially if you are on a livery yard with an owner who demands things are done in a certain way. I agree your DH has spoiled them by waiting on them hand and foot, so you need to sit everyone down and say things are not working, there needs to be changes. It is not too much to ask them to pick up after themselves, to take turns cooking dinner and washing up and to keep their rooms tidy. If everyone picks up after themselves, does their own laundry and helps keep on top of the kitchen every day, then a cleaner just needs to do dusting and hoovering once a week. It's not unreasonable. You need to stress how ill you are and it's time they grew up and put someone other than themselves first. The nit picking over the dishes would drive me crazy!

The horse needs to not be an empty threat. Put it out on part loan. And get a cleaner. You need to make sacrifices too. You love the horse but can't look after it.

And it sounds a lot like you have a dh problem rather than a DC problem(as usual)

I'd have a sit down with them. Explain very clearly that with you out of the picture, everyone's going to have to pitch in more for the next three months.

Then, outline the chores. Make it a short, reasonable list, and tell them that is their specific responsibility. Focus on everyday chores, not big weekly ones. So, for instance, your son could be in charge of picking up the shopping, doing the dishes on the weekend, and doing his own laundry; your daughter could be in charge of weekday dishes, a general 10-minute pickup at night, and a load of household laundry a week. Your husband does the rest of the laundry and plant watering, e.g.

Then hire in help for the big, occasional things. A cleaner three hours a week, once a week, won't set you back much and will mean hoovering and toilets get done. Someone to mow the grass once a fortnight will cost you £20 and be a load off your mind.

I wouldn't suggest this unless you can afford it, but I think you can. What it means is that everyone has a distinct task that you don't have to nag them about: it's simply their responsibility, with their schedule.

Also, agree with PP: pick your battles. It doesn't matter if your daughter has clothes all over the ground: they're her clothes, and if she wants to live in a tip, you can close the door and forget about it.

In other words: triage.

Are you doing all the laundry, cooking etc at the moment? Could it be they are doing the head in the sand, well mum's not that bad is she as she's still doing all of that?
Surely they can't be as purposefuly awful as they are coming across in your posts?

@Bluesheep8
Husband and I are paying for the horse and until recently we equally shared the horsey jobs too. Often she'd ride and I'd muck out to save time. I don't even ride, just did the jobs. Now I do nothing but when she went away for sleepovers I'd have to do it all.

I think you need a family conference.

You need to tell your children that you can not look after them as you always have and that if they can’t pull their weight then they can move out, but until you get your operation you can do very little by way of housework, gardening or cooking etc.

Remind them that you’ve always been the very best parents you could but for now you need them to start repaying all that you’ve done for them over the last 18/16 years. If they don’t want to help then they can pay £70 each every week, towards getting a cleaner in. Remind them that they need to know how to cook, clean, iron etc as life skills so they may as well learn from the best (you) .

I hope you get your operation soon op.

There's a bit of a difference between the teens getting there arses kicked to doing an appropriate level of housework and being asked to pay £140 a week for a cleaner is there not!

And telling them they need to repay what their parents have done for them since birth?!

DS has some excuse; but DD sounds like a spoiled brat.

I take it you pay for the horse and phone that occupy her time?

I'd tell her that either, she starts pulling her weight round the house or she forfeits the phone and the horse. You can sell the horse and all its trappings and invest the proceeds in domestic help.

I’d be changing the WiFi password and cancelling their mobile phone/s.

@MichelleScarn DH gets the washing done. If they want anything specific they will just wash their own.

I know they sound awful but neither have ever been in any kind of trouble at school and never been rude or really cheeky to us. It's just as if they either don't see it or think it isn't their job. DD had promised to do the bathroom for me today, going to the horse now and not got around to it. She us always going to do these things but never actually does.

She will cook herself something though where DS won't!

How have I failed so badly?