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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another affair one - sorry!

36 replies

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 10:43

I am in a horrible muddle, I feel sick to my stomach.

Firstly, please don't jump on me that I shouldn't be poking my nose in where it's not wanted. I've lived this rollercoaster with my BF for six months and it's now really affecting my own mental health.

My BF is having an affair with a married man. BF also has a long-term partner. For almost six months every single conversation I've had with her has been about 'her love'. The ups and downs. The OM is clearly a complete dick, he's stringing her along with promises of leaving his wife and she's fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I've told her he probably will never leave - it falls on deaf ears.

I am so very sick of it all. Not only do I strongly disagree with what she's doing but she's obviously extremely capable of hurting two people here. The wife of OM is a friend of a friend of a friend, so I don't know her but know of her. I'm not a huge fan of BF's partner but don't think he deserves this!

I could tell her that I don't want to be friends anymore but we have been friends our whole lives from primary school (now mid 40s).

What on earth do I do? I can't listen to it anymore. I've tried changing the subject but she always brings it back to her and her affair. I'm not a very confrontational person or very assertive so would never be able to front up to her and tell her straight.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 10:44

BF = best friend not boyfriend.

OP posts:

Thiswayy · 14/07/2021 11:11

Just tell her you don’t want to hear about it anymore. Be firm. Tell her you’re considering ending your he friendship because you can’t listen to it anymore. And if she doesn’t either end it or stop talking about it you will cut ties with her.

Chanel05 · 14/07/2021 11:13

Tell her that you fundamentally disagree with her choices and you don't want to hear about them again.

Tenbob · 14/07/2021 11:13

Tell the wife
Poor thing doesn’t deserve for all this to be going on behind her back with other people knowing

If it was me, I would want to know, even if it was anonymously with enough detail for me to find out the full facts myself

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/07/2021 11:23

One of my closest friends has been having an affair with a married man for over 12 years. She doesn't have another relationship, and at first just saw it as a bit of fun. But now she's very committed. He will never leave his wife and she knows that. I don't condone her behaviour but it's him that's betraying his wife, not her. I just try to change the conversation when she talks about him.

I'd feel differently if my friend had a LT partner though. I'd probably feel I had to have a conversation with her if she was betraying a partner.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/07/2021 11:30

I'm not a very confrontational person or very assertive so would never be able to front up to her and tell her straight.

Sorry, but that is your only option here or you'll just have to keep listening to it. What a selfish, self-absorbed person.

FlorenceWintle · 14/07/2021 11:34

Three options:

Put up with listening to it.
Tell her you don’t want to listen to it anymore. If she doesn’t stop or takes offence, see 3)
End the friendship

FlorenceWintle · 14/07/2021 11:35

I suppose there’s a fourth option, which is to intervene by telling the wife or her DP but that’s a nuclear option that won’t end well.

MagnoliaBeige · 14/07/2021 11:35

If you’ve been friends that long, you should be able to have a conversation with her. When she raises the topic again, could you tell her that you’re not the right person to talk to this about as it makes you feel very uncomfortable having any involvement in the relationship. That way you’re not being directly confrontational but you’re letting her know your boundaries?

doingadisservice · 14/07/2021 11:36

Don't trust her.
She can cheat with one married man she can cheat with yours
I know for experience

candycane222 · 14/07/2021 11:41

You have to tell her what you think and that you can't listen any more. She will doubtless be outraged at you for not continuing to "support" her. But you don't supporg what she is foing so she's asking the impossible. Her blowing up at you (or however she responds) is just another inevitable part of the choices she has made to put her desires before doing what's right by other people.

You are helping no-one by letting her go on about it, so you might as well tell her you aren't going to listen any more.

Youdiditanyway · 14/07/2021 11:49

I ended a friendship with a long term friend for this exact reason. She was having an affair with her married boss and he had a young child. He’d given her the literal script of his wife no longer being attractive and it being a miserable sexless marriage. It went on for a year and to my surprise he did then leave his wife, they’re still together now AFAIK but I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. I just lost all respect for her really and felt sorry for his wife and child.

I’d just end the friendship if I were you, it isn’t worth it.

blubberyboo · 14/07/2021 11:49

Yabu for not being more vocal about this.
By saying nothing she is using you to validate her behaviour. That’s why she keeps talking about it because she is checking to see if you agree with her actions.

Tell her you can’t see her until she shows respect to this lady and ends the relationship.
And you should tell the wife anonymously. She doesn’t deserve to have this humiliation behind her back, nor does your friends partner.
She is not trustworthy so I don’t see how you can consider her a friend.

Original poster

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 12:02

I don't take the responsibility of the affair and betrayal on my shoulders just because I've listened to her. I don't even believe I've validated her affair as I've tried to steer her into the reality of her situation rather than dressing this up as the love story she thinks it is.

However, I am considering ending the friendship. She is showing signs of being a manipulative, narcissistic bully who literally has no time for anyone other than this man and herself.

OP posts:

veganmayo · 14/07/2021 12:15

Sorry OP, this isn't a nice situation... But I can't help picturing Marcus Rashford typing this

I've actually faced v similar with a BF. I just pressed the point that I didn't believe he would ever leave his wife until she eventually stopped talking to me about it (he never left his wife).

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 12:18

She is showing signs of being a manipulative, narcissistic bully who literally has no time for anyone other than this man and herself.

You have your answer. Cut her loose.

Tempusfudgeit · 14/07/2021 12:22

Do you like her? Do you respect her? Do you trust her? If not, forget the sunk costs, the friendship has ended. Find a better friend.

Original poster

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 12:25

I bloody love Marcus Rashford, I think he's such a good role model for the youngsters. I don't even really like football.

Anyhow, to answer the questions. I did used to really like her, thought she was a good friend. Now not so, not enjoying her company very much, she is incredibly selfish.

She's doing so very weird things at the moment. Like selfish beyond actual comprehension.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/07/2021 12:25

Don't trust her

If she can do that she can do it to you. People like her have no moral compass.

Tell his poor wife and end the friendship.

Original poster

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 12:28

I am very happily single so no worries about her stealing my other half!

If I tell the wife I'm potentially destroying her life. That is a very large burden to bear. It's not my place to tell her - is it?

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Zari29 · 14/07/2021 12:29

I would end the friendship. Her morals are scum, do you want to associate with that? You are part of the issue, because you know and have done nothing. Doing something is taking a stance and following through. What a horrid, vile woman.

Wannakisstheteacher · 14/07/2021 12:32

I’d always tell the wife. I once knew a woman who’s husband had an affair and she always said the thing she’d never get over is that so many people knew but no one had the guts to tell her. She felt really humiliated and betrayed by that.

Original poster

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 12:32

I wish you wouldn't say things like I'm part of the issue. That's very unfair. To tell someone's wife and potentially destroy their life is a big burden to bear. I have not encouraged or been any part of this affair. I am not too blame.

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Winniewonka · 14/07/2021 12:33

If you don't feel that you can confront her face to face maybe text/email and say "BF, we've been friends for X number of years but it's got to the point that I just can't listen anymore about your affair with married man. It's all you talk about and at the very least I'm bored with it all.
If you want to carry on seeing me then I don't want you to mention anything about him again. If you can't do this, then I can't spend time with you. You have changed too much for me. Our friendship isn't what it once was."

TonkinLenkicks · 14/07/2021 12:38

I think it is your place to tell the wife. Think of how you would feel in her position.

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