Another affair one - sorry!

[MarcusRashford]

I am in a horrible muddle, I feel sick to my stomach.

Firstly, please don't jump on me that I shouldn't be poking my nose in where it's not wanted. I've lived this rollercoaster with my BF for six months and it's now really affecting my own mental health.

My BF is having an affair with a married man. BF also has a long-term partner. For almost six months every single conversation I've had with her has been about 'her love'. The ups and downs. The OM is clearly a complete dick, he's stringing her along with promises of leaving his wife and she's fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I've told her he probably will never leave - it falls on deaf ears.

I am so very sick of it all. Not only do I strongly disagree with what she's doing but she's obviously extremely capable of hurting two people here. The wife of OM is a friend of a friend of a friend, so I don't know her but know of her. I'm not a huge fan of BF's partner but don't think he deserves this!

I could tell her that I don't want to be friends anymore but we have been friends our whole lives from primary school (now mid 40s).

What on earth do I do? I can't listen to it anymore. I've tried changing the subject but she always brings it back to her and her affair. I'm not a very confrontational person or very assertive so would never be able to front up to her and tell her straight.

I ended a long and dear friendship over an affair. My BF was sleeping with a colleague and making all kinds of plans with him. Except they were pie in the sky and neither of them really planned to leave and start the fantasy new life. It escalated to them and their respective spouses becoming friends and going to events as a four, their kids becoming friends, etc. She even started talking about whether her DH and his DW would get together as well. I was the only one that knew and I hated it. She used to tell her DH that she was staying with me when she was away with the colleague so I felt caught up in the lying when it was nothing to do with me,

The tipping point was a birthday party when she invited the colleague and his wife and I saw the pair of them slip away while their spouses were blissfully unaware. I didn’t recognise her anymore. The deceit and lies were just unacceptable and the casual disregard of the potential fallout, especially with the kids, was revolting.

Agree Marcus Rashford is great! He has done so much for underprivigiled kids .Maybe theres a second career as a labour Minister if he gets too old for footie!(long way off keep forgetting hes only 22 )Anyway back to your BF .Many people seem to convince themselves they are "in love" esp when they are in their 40s /mid life crisis? and with someone who isnt avaliable/doesnt want to be avaliable either .You have explained that you are uncomfortable with the situation .Next time she wants to meet ,be "busy" she will possibly get the hint .I think when you have known someone this long then you imagine they are the same person all this time .However people can and do change .not always for the better either ! If this Affair came to light ,then you would be in a difficult position as well and may get dragged into the mess! This would be unfair on you obv

Knackering isn’t it, I walked away from a friend who had been shagging her lodger for years whilst her marriage was rocky, her husband was confiding in the lodger as they were friends. Spent time together shooting etc. She was apparently in love with the lodger but he was not rich enough for her to leave her husband, sounds like a trash novel but it was her life, after two years of hearing about it had to step back. Both of these men loved her.

Husband ended up leaving her and she is now shagging a builder because work needs doing on her house, again not rich enough to meet her family and for her to commit to.

Are you not also friendly with your BF's partner? Don't you feel he deserves to know?

Her affair is her affair. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your decision is to decide if she is a good friend for you, if you are enjoying spending time with her and being her friend. If the answer is no then end this friendship.

@MarcusRashford

I wish you wouldn't say things like I'm part of the issue. That's very unfair. To tell someone's wife and potentially destroy their life is a big burden to bear. I have not encouraged or been any part of this affair. I am not too blame.

I totally agree OP. This isn't on you at all. Not sure how anyone can suggest it is

It’s incredibly selfish of her to put you in this position; but people who indulge in this sort of behaviour are fundamentally selfish. You should tell her that you don’t want to hear about it and don’t condone it, and if that means not seeing her for a while then so be it.

@Wannakisstheteacher

I’d always tell the wife. I once knew a woman who’s husband had an affair and she always said the thing she’d never get over is that so many people knew but no one had the guts to tell her. She felt really humiliated and betrayed by that.

This does seem to be the usual response in this situation. Some turn on the messanger, for whatever reason. Usually because it is a well known pattern and the wife is going into self preservation mode. But most feel the humiliation of people knowing when they didn't. I have seen the situation over the years and whilst I have never told a partner about a cheating spouse, we are not friends with any afterwards. Their priorities change, get selfish as the OP has pointed out with her friend, self absorbed and you never really respect or trust them the same afterwards. It also gets boring hearing about it after a while.

Bit brutal but I’d end the friendship and have done before for similar reasons. Shows the morals of a person and they’re just not inline with mine.

BF's partner is not a friend. I've always found him OK to be with, but never really had a lot to do with him tbh. He's not treated her the best and I am absolutely not using this as any excuse for her behaviour. I'm finding her behaviour appalling. If what's she's telling me is true he spends a lot of time at home texting her and many weekday nights with her. She's almost uncontactable during the week but at weekends when he's with his wife she wants me on speed dial.

This is a horrible situation.

Weigh up how much of a friend she really is to you.