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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he can buy his own nappies and food

50 replies

FairFuming · 14/07/2021 09:39

Recently split from my ex in pretty awful circumstances, he's now getting supervised contact with our 2 DC at his home if one of our mutual friends or his sister is there. I've done some supervised visits too but these are quite frankly awful and he spends his time ignoring the kids and following me around trying to convince me to go back.

He's quite into control and was financially and emotionally abusive (amongst loads of other stuff) while we were together and his latest trick is presenting me with a list of things he "needs" in order to have the kids for the 2 hours he has them. Nappies is the big thing which I have been sending as I don't want the youngest going without them if he needs them but he will clear out everything I put in the nappy bag so I've started limiting what's put in.
Hes now also requesting I send them with milk, snacks and stuff to make sandwiches and he would like a whole bag of nappies and wipes for his house... he gets them after supper until bed time, they normally get a small snack and a drink before bed but certainly not sandwiches.

I've said no as he should be providing this himself and if he can't he shouldn't be having the kids at all. I've now had a very self pitying phone call from him saying I'm stopping him seeing his children.
And then a message from his mother saying I'm being mean and unreasonable for not providing for my children so that they can see their father.
He doesn't pay maintenance yet but I'll be going for it soon if he doesn't start by the end of the month so expecting him to buy a few things for the few hours a week he sees them isn't unreasonable is it?

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/07/2021 09:41

I am quite sure a judge would expect him to provide these things himself.

Personally I would not be conversing with his dm at all..

Youdiditanyway · 14/07/2021 09:41

Of course YANBU. This happened to my Mum’s friend years ago except her DC were older and would stay with him for the weekend. He’d ask her to pack their meals for them for the weekend otherwise he wouldn’t feed them so she’d have to pack a big bag of food… It’s just another method of control.

youdoyoutoday · 14/07/2021 09:42

I'd stop the visits and tell his mum why! He should be providing those things whilst in his care, fair enough passing over a nappy bag for the baby but clearing it out?? He's a nut job!

NoYOUbekind · 14/07/2021 09:43

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Like you though, I'd hate to think of the baby needing a nappy and him not having one so I'd probably continue to stick one or two in the bag. I'd grudge every single one of them but I couldn't let the baby suffer.

Get to the CMS and get a maintenance claim in. Oh and block his mum.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2021 09:46

Don’t wait to claim maintenance - do it now
And yes he should be providing everything they need when he has them. If he can’t do that he is being neglectful and doesn’t deserve to see them so don’t feel guilty.

Block his mum - you don’t need her negativity and stick to your guns. He’s their dad, he provides.

Load3 · 14/07/2021 09:49

Snack either before they go to him or when they get back and a couple of nappies if he's that much of a prick that he would leave them dirty rather than buy his own. Nothing more.
Get that CM claim in stat!
I'd also be pointing out to his mother that she did a piss poor job of raising her own kid so her unsolicited opinions are not required!

gamerchick · 14/07/2021 09:50

It's just another way I'd controlling you OP. Is the contact court ordered?

Tell him this is enough. Put the claim in for CM.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2021 09:51

Start claiming maintenance now and don’t pander to this nonsense

user27424799642256 · 14/07/2021 09:54

Abuse is control. They're not separate things. His continued attempts to control you are a continuation of the abuse.

Is the contact court ordered?

Why haven't you applied for maintenance?

You can't negotiate with an abuser or expect them to have any interest in what's reasonable. He is only interested in having power and control over you - at the moment you're still giving him that.

Singlebutmarried · 14/07/2021 09:54

If he’s cleaning the bag out he must have a stash of nappies anyway??

As PP have said, it’s another form of control.

His time/his house/his food.

MrsWhites · 14/07/2021 09:54

Definitely only provide the basics, like a couple of nappies and a half packet of wipes. Part of him being a parent with access to his children is providing for their basic needs. Who ordered the supervised access? I would be discussing it with them.

Definitely don’t wait to claim maintenance either, they won’t backdate so you are missing out for every day you delay. If he won’t buy a few nappies he isn’t going to voluntarily hand over maintenance either!

Lollypop701 · 14/07/2021 09:55

So if he’s not paying for anything for his kids what reason does he have for this. You KNOW he’s being unreasonable. Tell him to get lost. It’s the start of things to come so get boundaries in place now. And yes block his family… they haven’t got you or your kids best interests at all

ShowMeTheSugar · 14/07/2021 09:55

Stay brief and factual with him: "nappies and food during your contact time is your responsibility" and block the mother.

I'd treat every interaction with him as evident for a potential legal case, so instead of phone calls communicate via message or email so you have clear trails of facilitating contact, outlining the children's needs and any difficult behaviour on his part.

burritofan · 14/07/2021 09:58

Of course he’s being unreasonable! He doesn’t provide you with nappies, food and sundries while they’re with you, does he?

It’s not your responsibility to provide for his contact time, it’s his, but he knows you won’t want your kids not to have a pre-bed snack or to be in dirty nappies, so he uses that guilt/worry against you. What an utter cunt he is, and his mother too.

IDontReadEyebrows · 14/07/2021 10:02

He will be expected to provide those things himself and you are totally in the right to say that if he won’t change nappies (because he refuses to buy them in his case) or feed his children on his time- 2 tiny hours no less!- he doesn’t see them. He’s trying to exert dominance by issuing you with a list of his demands and then acting the victim when you say no to him. And shame on his stupid mother for not telling him to grow up and buy some fucking nappies and stuff for his kids and instead having a go at you.

SpacePotato · 14/07/2021 10:04

Ask his mother why she thinks her precious son isn't unreasonable for not providing for his children.
He must surely be buying food for himself?

BarbaraofSeville · 14/07/2021 10:05

He has them for two hours? What an earth can be required except the odd nappy, juice and snack? If you take them having just done that, they might not even need those, but if he can't keep a supply of nappies, wipes and milk, fruit, biscuits etc for them, I agree, he shouldn't see them.

Eviethyme · 14/07/2021 10:05

I'd be asking why it's up to you? Is this some sexist thing? Why as the mother you Should be providing for the children 100% of the time.

Because that's ridiculous

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2021 10:09

No snacks, no nappies, and say you’ll stop the visits if he’s unable to buy nappies and wipes once he’s used the stash he’s taken from your bag. Suggest he ask court if he should provide nappies for his child for 2h a week.
And claim child maintenance now. You do not want to be negotiating anything you don’t absolutely have to with this man, so control what you can.

TigersandTeddybears · 14/07/2021 10:10

Block his Mums number.
Tell him that it needs to go to court now, that you're done trying to facilitate contact and need a court order. Then block his number too.
He is taking the piss, and this sounds like emotional abuse and coercive control, which is a criminal offence. His family are ganging up on you too which is really shitty.
Are your children benefiting from having these people in their lives? If not, then it's your job to protect them from that. They are not pawns to be played with, they are children. So concentrate on doing right. G them, and if he wants contact he can take it to Court and explain to a judge what benefit he has to those children.
Apply for maintenance too, because either you get it and that's great for your kids or he won't pay it and that contributes to your argument in court that he is not pulling his weight and living up to his responsibilities as a father and does not benefit these kids. I hope he rises to the occasion and does parent then properly, but if not then I would not be surprised. I have seen so many men like this and they do not see the children as people themselves, they are just a means to get to their ex.

IDontReadEyebrows · 14/07/2021 10:10

@ShowMeTheSugar

Stay brief and factual with him: "nappies and food during your contact time is your responsibility" and block the mother.

Definitely do this. Screenshot everything you and he send to each other. As well as evidence if it’s ever needed, it keeps the emotion to a minimum, you can message/email when you’re calmer for example if he says something particularly unpleasant. I noticed OP you saying when you supervised contact with him and the children he ignored them and followed you about trying to get you to get back with him. Don’t be surprised if once he realises he can’t control you any longer you don’t see him for dust. It could go either way though: he’ll either bugger off entirely or double down. Take care of yourself.

WheresTheLambSauce · 14/07/2021 10:57

Definitely try to keep future communication in writing for evidence. I imagine a clear refusal to meet the basic needs of his children wouldn't look good for his future parental access...

WellLarDeDar · 14/07/2021 11:00

Stop engaging with that kind of communication completely. Block his mother and if he starts you just need to shut the conversation down. He sounds like such a CF!

HollowTalk · 14/07/2021 11:01

He would be eating those sandwiches himself!

Get the ball rolling on child support. Block his mother.

Viviennemary · 14/07/2021 11:04

He should be feeding his children. If his mother isn't happy she should provide food. What a dreadful attitude they have got.

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