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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he can buy his own nappies and food

50 replies

FairFuming · 14/07/2021 09:39

Recently split from my ex in pretty awful circumstances, he's now getting supervised contact with our 2 DC at his home if one of our mutual friends or his sister is there. I've done some supervised visits too but these are quite frankly awful and he spends his time ignoring the kids and following me around trying to convince me to go back.

He's quite into control and was financially and emotionally abusive (amongst loads of other stuff) while we were together and his latest trick is presenting me with a list of things he "needs" in order to have the kids for the 2 hours he has them. Nappies is the big thing which I have been sending as I don't want the youngest going without them if he needs them but he will clear out everything I put in the nappy bag so I've started limiting what's put in.
Hes now also requesting I send them with milk, snacks and stuff to make sandwiches and he would like a whole bag of nappies and wipes for his house... he gets them after supper until bed time, they normally get a small snack and a drink before bed but certainly not sandwiches.

I've said no as he should be providing this himself and if he can't he shouldn't be having the kids at all. I've now had a very self pitying phone call from him saying I'm stopping him seeing his children.
And then a message from his mother saying I'm being mean and unreasonable for not providing for my children so that they can see their father.
He doesn't pay maintenance yet but I'll be going for it soon if he doesn't start by the end of the month so expecting him to buy a few things for the few hours a week he sees them isn't unreasonable is it?

OP posts:

JeepersCreeping · 14/07/2021 11:18

why are you talking to his mother? block her, she's not your problem any more.

written communication so you can use it as evidence in future - he sounds like an awful father.

claim CMS NOW, not in future OP - get that sorted , it's money for your DC, not you.

he sounds neglectful.

elevenses75 · 14/07/2021 11:25

Keep all messages for court in future. You wonder where people get the mentality that they have children and someone else has to pay for them. And his mum too she should be ashamed of her son and herself for facilitation of his behaviour

badacorn · 14/07/2021 11:26

He and his mother are hopeless.

hungryhipposareinthehouse · 14/07/2021 12:05

Stuff to make sandwiches, haha! For 2 hours after they've already had dinner!
He'd be using it for his own lunches!!
He should provide all nappies, juice and snacks for them whilst they're at his.
Don't wait to apply for maintenance, he will just keep making excuses, apply now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/07/2021 12:10

Just echoing what everyone else is saying.

Stop providing ANYTHING.

Report to court.

Block his mother.

Apply for maintenance.

BashfulClam · 14/07/2021 13:50

I’d tell him he’s hilarious!

My friend has a similar ex and once when he had their done he sent him back in a nappy so full they it was practically dragging on the floor. She was really good at standing up to him though. She once said ‘is everything in his bag?’ As she collected their so and he turned and asked his new girlfriend. She said ‘NO! You tell me, you are his parent, it is not up to ‘girlfriend’ to be on top of that stuff. It’s up to you!’

He also wanted receipts for what his maintenance was spent on. We told her not to do it at she didn’t need to. She spent a full month putting his nappies, wipes etc through separately when paying. Took copies of all her household bills and childcare and halved them . She then told him ‘I spent £300 raising our son this month, here are the receipts, you paid £70 in CM. So you owe me £130 quid!’ He stopped asking after that (the values above aren’t accurate as I can’t remember the real numbers )

BashfulClam · 14/07/2021 13:50

Oops sorry ‘owe me £80 quid’ whatever half of everything was.

Original poster

FairFuming · 14/07/2021 17:09

Thanks for all the replies guys, I actually blocked his mum after her message this morning.

I hesitated to go to cms as he has 2 older sons who he has an agreement with their mums to pay so thought I might be given more then I should get as it wouldn't take the older ones into account but I guess that's his problem to sort out so I will claim tonight and won't be sending any thing with them today as he definitely has the best part of a pack of nappies now.

I've sent him a text detailing everything he said lastnight to check thats what he wanted me to do and he has confirmed it so I've screen shot it and saved it and backed it up although he then claimed it was because he thought I'd be going shopping so I suspect he guessed why I did it.

Supervised contact was suggested by social work and police as he covered up a child protection issue so I don't trust him with kids at all but they are young and they love him bur maybe it's not for the best?
Womans aid are helping me get a formal court order in place so hopefully we have that relatively soon.

OP posts:

ButterflyCat2028 · 14/07/2021 18:10

Stop the contact. These people are more than willing to neglect your children. It's clear they wouldn't be safe. Pursue every legal avenue you can on this or they will never stop controlling you.

Bassetlover · 14/07/2021 18:33

Jesus! What a pathetic specimen of a man! He can't provide a few nappies and snacks for his own kids? Just ignore and pursue legal access to financial support.

ForeverSausages · 14/07/2021 18:55

I would stop the contact. I get it. Your kids love him as he's their dad and you don't want them thinking you stopped them seeing their dad. I was that kid and honestly best thing ever was not having my dad in my life (although I was tough on my mum at the time) .

giantwaterbottle · 14/07/2021 19:01

What the fuck! Of course you aren't being unreasonable what a sorry excuse for a man. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the kids with him if he can't even buy them nappies!

dopeyduck · 14/07/2021 19:35

I mean of course he should be providing what they need and his requests are totally unreasonable.
Claim through CSA NOW!

However if it means the kids are missing out I probably would provide but no frills. If it's just a couple of hours then put little one in a clean nappy before they go and send 1 spare and a few wipes in a tub incase they poo but surely they'd not really need changing more than once? Unless it's a newborn?

Snacks wise if they have dinner with you then surely you could just send a cereal bar style thing & a piece of fruit. Some cereal and a tub of milk? I certainly wouldn't be doing sandwiches if they've had their tea already.

I wouldn't bother sending their milk, he can provide or they can have it when they return.

Use627 · 14/07/2021 19:45

How is he going to pay maintenance if he can't even buy nappies and food to last 2 hours?😳of course you're not unreasonable, he is not babysitting. They're his children for whom he is responsible

Dinopee · 14/07/2021 19:55

Do you actually want to continue this arrangement? Are you satisfied that the contact is supervised enough?

I know the seeing dad is for kids benefit but tbh I’d be telling him he needs to arrange a contact centre and go from there. It’s clear he can’t meet their basic needs.

Sceptre86 · 14/07/2021 19:55

His mother sounds as feckless as he is. Any decent grandmother would tell her son to adequately provide for his kids or worse case buy them herself rather than ask the mother. Yanbu, if he won't provide anything for the kids he shouldn't get to see them.

Doorhandleghost · 15/07/2021 07:06

This is 100% about controlling you and nothing else. If he says he can’t have them unless you provide for them, then make a sad face and say what a shame, let me know when you can provide for them. Keep the evidence of him saying he can’t provide for them. When (if) he is made to pay maintenance he STILL has to provide for them when he has them (he will try and say otherwise).

When they are re older you can also look forward to him doing things like keeping their school uniform and not giving it back. He’s not the first to play these games.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/07/2021 07:27

he can't he shouldn't be having the kids at all.

What does he mean by that?

MerryDecembermas · 15/07/2021 07:38

@ShowMeTheSugar

Stay brief and factual with him: "nappies and food during your contact time is your responsibility" and block the mother.

I'd treat every interaction with him as evident for a potential legal case, so instead of phone calls communicate via message or email so you have clear trails of facilitating contact, outlining the children's needs and any difficult behaviour on his part.

Agree every interaction should be logged and all Whatsapp messages kept etc. He is abusing you, he will abuse the children too. Gather the evidence, stop contact, use the courts and the police to protect yourself and the DC.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 08:09

Well done for taking the action you have. He sounds like a feckless idiot.

Maintenance for his older children is not your concern. Getting maintenance for your children is.

Hope all goes OK with the court order.

Uramaki · 15/07/2021 08:14

then claimed it was because he thought I'd be going shopping so I suspect he guessed why I did it. this is pathetic. Even if you were going shopping why would you be picking up stuff for him?!

Start CMS today as they don't back date it. Don't feel you have to be nice, just keep it calm and factual and do what is best for your child whilst keeping the boundaries. You are seperated you owe him nothing. You don't demand nappies off him for the rest of the time!

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2021 10:26

However if it means the kids are missing out I probably would provide but no frills.
Nope, they are missing out by having to spend time with him, even if they love it. I’d provide nothing and cancel contact if they come home in a pooey nappy or Not given a snack after a few hours.

ditalini · 15/07/2021 10:32

It's child neglect to fail to meet the basic needs of your children (clean, fed). If he can't meet these needs then he needs support from Social Work. If he won't meet these needs then he can't care for his children.

Food banks are available to him if he has financial problems.

Bibidy · 15/07/2021 10:35

He definitely needs to provide consumables like that himself. Not sure why his mother is on his side in this????

Mommabear20 · 15/07/2021 10:46

My mum and in laws provide nappies and food for my kids when they have them! Don't ask them too or expect them to but they do! How does he not see that when at his house it's his responsibility to nappy and feed his kids???

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