Neighbour issues

[F107]

I know I'm socially seen as unreasonable but I need some help so am here for the traffic.

I'm humble, authentic and have strong morals. I live on a new build estate in a deprived area. The village is a bit rough but I am happy with this as it's similar to my own childhood and I'd rather have the spare cash to spend on my family.

I live next to a group of neighbors who are the complete opposite to myself. They're all late fourties/early fifties and work in low income professions. Although they have a comfortable life they're very uncomfortable with their status. They are desperate for attention and are always trying to steer the conversation in a way where they get to point out to you that their 'middle class'.

I couldn't care less what class they are but their need for social acceptance and approval meant that during the lockdowns this little group would be together in their front garden having street having parties even in freezing temperatures and this was right outside of my house and my daughters bedroom. I was on the shielding list and my daughter is under two so I found their lack of sense of community and willingness to work towards bringing lockdown to an end as quickly as possible incredibly rude.

I completely get that what they get up to is their business and I should just smile and wave when I see them then get on with my life. However, I find their constant need for attention intrusive. As I think they're a bunch of *** I can no longer fake niceties and end up staring at the floor when I see them, say hello through gritted teach or end up freezing snd ignoring them, plus my husband's pointed out that its obvious I am incredibly uncomfotable.

I find the awkwardness overwhelming and now hate leaving the house in case I see them and constantly think about moving although everything else about the house and where I live is ideal.

How do I cope with this? If I could fake the pleasantries I would but it's impossible.

If you're awkward around them but otherwise haven't fallen out, just give a quick wave or "hiya" when you see them. That's literally it. You might paste a slight smile on your face to help the facade. If I see a neighbour that I don't want to talk to, I just pretend I'm in a huge rush (either to get to my car or into the house) and just quickly say hello before going about my business. You don't need to stand and chat with them if you don't want to.

Like a pp said, you're likely thinking about them a lot more than they're thinking about you!

Having parties in their front garden makes them lower class by default. Middle class people don't do that. Working class people with any self respect don't do that. The only people who do are the lowest of the low and the highest of the high. The low because they don't see anything wrong with it, and the high because their garden is so massive it doesn't cause problems for anyone else.

@DumplingsAndStew

I just want to be able to fake the social niceties, feel comfortable walking down my street/getting into my car and not to feel so incredibly stressed after the interactions I have with these neighbours but I haven’t been able to find how to achieve this yet, which is why I’m interested in other people’s experiences.

That's pretty much part of being autistic. I'm not sure what the neighbours have to do with this.

Not really. I'm part of an autistic family and work with autistic individuals.

I know many autistic individuals who are great at faking this sort of thing and building relationships with people they don't is a key part of their job

Please can you explain how a person can be 'authentic'?

Hello, fellow autistic person here.

You don't have to be best friends with these people. You only need to nod and occasionally wave at them.

You are bringing a lot of your baggage to your relationship with them, so try to recognise that. It's your baggage, not theirs.

Sometimes people just won't be your type. One of my neighbours isn't my kind of person either, I am on polite terms with them but not friendly. I'm sure we both have our reasons for not being more than just polite but it's nothing hostile or mean.

If you are uncomfortable with the way they live to the point it's really affecting your way of life then I'm afraid you will have to be the one that moves. You can't change people.

It's really interesting that you mention class so often. I think you probably need to examine why this is a thing that you think about so frequently.

Re faking the niceties: just smile, say a few words, move on, walking rapidly with a somwhere-to-be look on your face.

If necessary, imagine you’re someone else for the 10 seconds it takes to do this. Or somewhere else.

As a PP said, it does get easier.

I used to think doing this was hypocritical and wrong, but now I realise that was very immature. Faking the niceties is a regrettable but necessary life skill.

My advice is when you see them wave a cheery hello, fake a smile. If you can, comment on the weather "Lovely weather today." Then go about your business.

One thing which might help us pretending by to be on your phone as you leave/approach your house. Thereby you don't have to speak just wave and nod, because you are on your phone.

This is so weird. Basically it seems you don't like your neighbours for a whole load of reasons, most of which appear to be in your head about who they think they are and who you think you are. I'm sure a lot of us feel the same about neighbours, work colleagues etc. They just sound like people who are different to you and for some reason you think that's wrong or offensive?

You're throwing out a whole load of of cod psychology here 'their need for social acceptance and approval meant they had parties' is it not possible they just wanted to have a drink with their mates? The parties would have pissed me off but you seem determined to allocate all sorts of weird motivations to their behaviour when they are probably just getting on with their lives.

Just go about your day, say hello and wave if you see them (or point blank ignore them if you prefer, I do that with a neighbour I can't stand), and stop thinking about it! I can guarantee that they are not thinking about you anywhere near as much.

Apart from the parties - which are a specific issue and presumably have stopped now? - you are giving this way too much headspace and it sounds like you're reading a whole lot into it because of your background and interpreting things as them 'wanting attention' which you can't possibly know. They might just be sociable people living their lives. Deal with the party issue when it comes up if the noise goes on late - you can diplomatically ask them to please be more considerate. But the rest is more your own issues to get help for as there's a lot of projection and you need techniques for coping so this doesn't become an even bigger issue. It's not really about your neighbours though, and that's a good thing because you can't control them, but you can have an affect on your own feelings.

How do you know so much about your neighbours income and class aspirations ?

during the lockdowns this little group would be together in their front garden having street having parties even in freezing temperatures and this was right outside of my house and my daughters bedroom.

they are complete twats for doing that, it's antisocial and rude, even out of lockdown. The lack of respect for neighbours is not acceptable.

The rest of your post makes no sense at all I am afraid

You seem to be caught up in your own social class race, I am not sure any of the neighbours actually give a damn about it! It seems like it's all you. You come across as feeling superior and very miffed they are not humbly respecting their lower position...

If I could fake the pleasantries I would but it's impossible. How hard to be polite with your neighbours?

Just keep ignoring them, neighbours don't have to be friends.

However, they don't sound that bad!

@JSL52

How do you know so much about your neighbours income and class aspirations ?

It's called mind blindness. An autistic trait. My son thinks I know what he's thinking. Ditto my husband. And it goes vice versa, so an autistic person will think that their version of what a person is thinking is actually what they're thinking.

It's taken me a long time to train myself not to do it, but it can be done.

This article explains mind blindness very well. I think that this explains a lot of what's going on here tbh. www.spectrumnews.org/news/mind-blindness-affects-moral-reasoning-in-autism/

(I am autistic, but also have MA in autism studies and experience working with children with SEN for nearly 20 years so I have pretty decent oversight into my own neurotype)

The facts of the matter are: you don’t like them.

The good news is you don’t have to like them. You don’t have to be friends with them.

This doesn’t mean you have to be the opposite though. You can be neutral.

Try saying hello or giving a little head nod when you see them on the street. If they ask how you are say “fine thank you” and move on. If you want to step into pleasant politeness you can also add “and you?”.

Otherwise, give them no more headspace. Lockdown parties are no longer happening. They are not doing or thinking anything towards or about you - you don’t need to think about them.

@YelloYelloYello

The facts of the matter are: you don’t like them.

The good news is you don’t have to like them. You don’t have to be friends with them.

This doesn’t mean you have to be the opposite though. You can be neutral.

Try saying hello or giving a little head nod when you see them on the street. If they ask how you are say “fine thank you” and move on. If you want to step into pleasant politeness you can also add “and you?”.

Otherwise, give them no more headspace. Lockdown parties are no longer happening. They are not doing or thinking anything towards or about you - you don’t need to think about them.

Thank you for this.

I bumped into them this morning and managed to force out an hello as there were only three of them. I felt like an idiot, filled up with anxiety, then stalled my car when I went out but hopefully, things will get better now its post lockdown and I'm interacting with people in general.

It helps to hear that there's lots of others who just say hello to their neighbours and actively avoid getting drawn into conversation. It normalises whats going on with me and makes me feel less dreadful/like an ignorant so and so for doing this myself

The parties are still happening but thankfully one of the group has converted their garage into a party shed so the amount of times they're drunk next to my car or on the road/pavement is happening much less.

My eye contact goes as I'm autistic. I’m fine with people I’m comfortable with but as I’m not comfortable around this group I hate how socially awkward I come across
One of the reasons I’m coming across as judgement is due to how similar people have treated me in the past.

OP, you must state this when you post because otherwise the ‘MN jury’ will not understand where you are coming from.

The challenges you face are above and beyond and the words you use might not sit comfortably with people unless they understand the context in which they are said.

Having said that, I stick by my first response to you which was:

You feel their choices impacted on you and resent them for it?
This is understandable.
I would just smile and wave through gritted teeth. Just as you would with a colleague you don’t respect. You don’t have to like them or agree with them.
Keep your distance and remain polite.

I bumped into them this morning and managed to force out an hello as there were only three of them. I felt like an idiot, filled up with anxiety, then stalled my car when I went out but hopefully, things will get better now its post lockdown and I'm interacting with people in general.

There! You’ve done it!
It IS normal to have to force out a smile & a hello to people who you don’t like! It’s almost painful! 😅

It helps to hear that there's lots of others who just say hello to their neighbours and actively avoid getting drawn into conversation. It normalises whats going on with me and makes me feel less dreadful/like an ignorant so and so for doing this myself

Again it is normal. Learning how to deal with these people is a skill. I am an all or nothing person and I dislike superficial conversation or conversation with people I don’t like.

However, I’ve learnt how to do it. Keep it short, smile, be busy (I’m just on my way somewhere... got to rush) Turn it on them and have a few ‘stock’ phrases to say if you bump into them and are forced to talk.

To be honest I cant really see that they've done anything wrong to you. You're being very snobby going on about their social class and saying they must be low earners because they have parties... Sounds like you're just taking out your frustrations regarding your own issues on them even though they have nothing to do with it.