To the people who asked, I definitely have a habit of being with abusive men, I can't deny that. I know that's my own fault though, so I'm definitely not looking for pity.
I won't give you pity my dear, you don't need it.
What you need is some Tough Love, & a toolkit.
You already have a fair bit of self-awareness, you are articulate & experienced. Your instincts are crying out to be heard, but they are battling the conditioning imposed by .. well, your childhood, society's nonsense about relationships, the romance industry's toxic messaging, & a myriad other factors.
When you have quiet time, away from Mr Fright, please follow the link PP posted to The Freedom Programme. Do that course, at a library or in a cafe if you have to create space where he cannot jump out at you surprise you at your homework.
Then buy a copy of this - again, in stealth mode! - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Lundy Bancroft has made a life's work out of studying the phenomenon of "Angry & Controlling Men" - or abusive, manipulative men, if you like.
A close study of his book will give you the framework to spot patterns, & build on the work you will do c/o The Freedom Programme.
It is very accessible, & packed with truly supportive, understanding wisdom. It's not an easy read, especially for those of us who have been there - but imo it is VITAL to your recovery & self-preservation. Make sure you structure 'down-time' to do something nice after your Freedom course sessions, & your Bancroft reading. Build up a pattern of self-reliance & self-reward with this homework (toolkit).
Never, ever, let him see or know about your toolkit.
The fact that you didn't even expect supportive responses here, on a women's forum, is telling (& heartbreaking, but no pity, eh?)
Once you have schooled yourself in recognising the pattern - or The Script as it is often known, because it becomes utterly predictable when you have a little more learning under your belt - you will appreciate why, at stupid o'clock in the morning, several women have already taken a very sharp breath indeed, & launched themselves into the thread to give you a few pointers about -
I never ever considered this behaviour might be abusive though to be honest.
When you genuinely see the pattern (& it doesn't take as long as you might think to learn about The Script), you will realise how you came to have a habit of being with abusive men, & you will be able to see the signals, resist the allure of the next abuser who wants to be in your life, & protect yourself while you heal, & I very much hope, engage in therapy.
None of this is your fault btw, but is is your responsibility to build the happiest life you can for yourself, & a life with men like this in it is not conducive to contentment. Please make your primary goal pleasing yourself - not some arsehole who gets s thrill out of scaring you xx