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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused as to why others think my STBXH is kind?

33 replies

libertybonds · 13/07/2021 14:53

My STBXH was really not nice to me, to the extent that I almost had a mental breakdown as a result of the way he treated me. I left almost 2 years ago.

I had dinner with a mutual friend yesterday who commented how much STBXH still cares for me. She commented on how kind he is.

STBXH always insisted that I am oversensitive. He was massively selfish and put me down constantly. He criticised me for almost everything I did. There were loads of tiny rules I had to follow in the household or I would be told off. He treated me like a freeloader because my job wasn't highly paid and expected me to be constantly grateful to him and supportive of him in his more lucrative job. He was resentful when he had to look after our daughter (which was an hour or two each weekend at most).

Hearing my friend say this despite knowing how much he hurt me really threw me for a loop. It makes me worry that actually my ex is kind. Maybe he's right and I'm crazy and insensitive. It's so... deflating.

OP posts:

Cardboardboxingring · 13/07/2021 15:09

People like that are social chameleons, they change depending on whom they're around. Your STBXH is probably telling mutual friends about how wonderful he was to try and make himself look better and possibly to try and get you back under his control. You know better than anyone how he treated you, and do not forget you did a very brave thing by leaving. Try not to let this get you down, the truth will always come out in the end.

Nahhh · 13/07/2021 15:11

My Ex-H is a real charmer, he can be funny, chatty, etc. Now we aren’t together there isn’t anything that’s too much for him when it comes to our children. It was very different during our marriage.

Evidencebased · 13/07/2021 15:12

I knew a man who seemed, on numerous occaisions, kind hearted, warm friendly, would go out of his way to help someone.

He also had a wife . She had a breakdown , and revealed that he was controlling, callous and unkind to her. We had noticed that she always deferred to him, he got to make all the decisions.

But because he was so 'nice', everyone assumed that was just what suited them.

So, people can have a 'lovely' public persona, and at the same time be
coersively controlling a partner.

You know what it's like to be in a relationship with your 'D'H.
They don't.

TreeSmuggler · 13/07/2021 15:39

I wouldn't take any notice. They haven't seen the side of him that you've seen, although as friends I'd expect them to take your side or at least pretend to do so to your face.

In future, if a friend brings him up just say you don't want to discuss him. I'm sure he is boring as well as a twat, you've got a million more interesting topics to talk about.

Thortful · 13/07/2021 15:44

I had this about my ex too. Even my mum, even though she knew exactly what he put me through.
It's tough, and I'm sorry you haven't had the support you deserve.

CanofCant · 13/07/2021 15:45

You know what it's like to be in a relationship with your 'D'H.
They don't.

This. She doesn't sound much of a friend if she is saying this to you despite knowing how he treated you.

Googlewasmyidea1 · 13/07/2021 15:48

You've said she knows how he treated you...does she know the full extent? If so, she isn't a friend

Standrewsschool · 13/07/2021 15:48

I had a friends who ex was very charming - always chatted, was pleasant, on appearances, a nice man. However, to her he was controlling, didn’t let her have visitors (including family members), would not talk to her for days etc. Two contrasting characters. Same person.

Someone can be charismatic and pleasant, but also be a complete b-stead,

PurpleSproutingSomething · 13/07/2021 15:52

I have a dad and a brother like this.

Women love them, they're handsome, charming, generous, great at conversation.

Unless you're in a relationship (any kind) with them and then they will both treat you like dirt because they feel they can.

honeylulu · 13/07/2021 15:53

People can be very short sighted and only "see" someone's surface persona even if other information is available. My dad is Mr Jolly, polite kind helpful and cheerful to anyone outside our household. But at home he wasn't like that at all. Selfish, bad tempered, controlling, opinionated and occasionally violent. He was very very strict and I lived in fear of him but people just didn't believe me because he was "so nice" .

A couple of times the mask slipped and he lost his temper in front of someone else. I remember the looks of horror as the scales fell from their eyes. It gave me no pleasure except to think "now maybe you'll believe me".

ParsleyDill · 13/07/2021 15:54

I would stop her immediately and ask her if she knows how insulting and ill-informed her comment is.

TiredButDancing · 13/07/2021 15:56

I think people really really don't want to believe that other people are complete bastards. So, it's not that she doesn't believe you per se, but that she had a conversation with him in which he was nice and it's easier to believe that.

I can understand it. But it infuriates me.

We get this a lot with BIL and SIL where the family all know what a complete tosser BIL is, but then he'll say or do the right thing and it's like they've forgotten the endless trauma he puts SIL through. It's bizarre.

MaskingForIt · 13/07/2021 15:56

He must have been nice enough to you for you to marry him and have his child. Presumably it is that side of himself that he is showing her.

TiredButDancing · 13/07/2021 15:57

Oh and I' probably respond with a flippant sarcastic comment along the lines of, "amazing how he can convince people he's so much nicer than he really is."

Longdistance · 13/07/2021 16:00

He sounds the opposite of kind. Behind closed doors and all that, no one knows what it going on. Only you know your marriage and your mutual friend is a stirrer. I wouldn’t listen them, your marriage is no business of theirs.

TheWernethWife · 13/07/2021 21:27

My mother used to call men like these "street angels and house devils"

Watchingyou2sleezes · 13/07/2021 21:32

@TheWernethWife

My mother used to call men like these "street angels and house devils"

This is it. Some of them suddenly go all fucking Sky News broadcasting how hard done by the are and how they've never put a foot wrong.

ConfusedFootieMum · 13/07/2021 21:41

I always say you never know what goes on behind closed doors......just say that next time someone says something nice about him!

Bobbiebigbum · 13/07/2021 21:45

The halo effect. Unfortunately misogyny is alive and kicking and people are willing to project all sorts of things onto the woman. The man gets away with it. Also these men put on an act.

Drivingmeupthewall · 13/07/2021 21:52

Because emotional abusers are incredibly manipulative and charming to others.

Is this friend close enough that you can confide in them that he was abusive to you?

Twanky · 13/07/2021 22:06

Because we all see people differently. My husband died last year and I get tired of hearing how 'wonderful' he was. For various reasons we, his family, saw a different person, not a violent or abusive person, just different, he seemed to be able to establish far easier relationships with non-family. It upsets me but I'm not going to 'put people right' by telling them how we saw things.

Twanky · 13/07/2021 22:09

@TreeSmuggler

I wouldn't take any notice. They haven't seen the side of him that you've seen, although as friends I'd expect them to take your side or at least pretend to do so to your face.

In future, if a friend brings him up just say you don't want to discuss him. I'm sure he is boring as well as a twat, you've got a million more interesting topics to talk about.

Surely the friends don't need to take sides, they had one perception his wife had another. Who's to say which is right? I always say to myself that we are only ever getting one side of a story on MN.

Youdiditanyway · 13/07/2021 22:10

They’re often charming and manipulative so everyone else thinks they’re amazing people who could do no wrong. I was in an abusive relationship with a psychopath, most charming and wonderful man to those who barely knew him but actually controlling, conniving and capable of real evil.

MiaMarshmallows · 13/07/2021 22:10

My ex husband was like this. He made me feel everything was my fault, was controlling, domineering and a total hypocrite. Yet he knew full well how to charm others and was always telling everyone what a kind and caring guy he was. Totally laughable.
People see through it in the end. Eventually the guard slips.

Thelnebriati · 13/07/2021 22:14

He's not going to go round telling women he's a controlling abusive arsehole who will break them, is he?
Tell your mutual friend to never report back to your ex about what you're doing, just in case she's being groomed into being his flying monkey.

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