To be confused as to why others think my STBXH is kind?

[libertybonds]

My STBXH was really not nice to me, to the extent that I almost had a mental breakdown as a result of the way he treated me. I left almost 2 years ago.

I had dinner with a mutual friend yesterday who commented how much STBXH still cares for me. She commented on how kind he is.

STBXH always insisted that I am oversensitive. He was massively selfish and put me down constantly. He criticised me for almost everything I did. There were loads of tiny rules I had to follow in the household or I would be told off. He treated me like a freeloader because my job wasn't highly paid and expected me to be constantly grateful to him and supportive of him in his more lucrative job. He was resentful when he had to look after our daughter (which was an hour or two each weekend at most).

Hearing my friend say this despite knowing how much he hurt me really threw me for a loop. It makes me worry that actually my ex is kind. Maybe he's right and I'm crazy and insensitive. It's so... deflating.

You can be kind and a complete bastard at the same time.

In my experience, some of the ‘nice’ ones (including women) are the absolutely worst, two faced, unpleasant nobs.

I have this all the time, people who didn't really know my exhusband telling me what a nice guy he was. It's almost as if they're questioning your perception to divorce the bastard you knew him to be. No one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. As others have said they see the public persona. It still grates on me but no one seems to question why he hasn't seen his only child for the last seven years or why she wasn't invited to his wedding. Trust yourself. Being labelled too sensitive is an abusers go to defence.

I think the answer when someone says how nice he is, is "Yes, he can be when he wants to."

"Interesting how controlling narcissists can convince people who aren't the subject of their abuse of this isn't it? What a shame you have been taken in, it's sad for me to see"

OP I had this with my ex. People would come and tell me he was “the nicest man they knew”. Shame he was emotionally abusive to me for two years, controlling where I went, what I wore, who I was allowed to meet, trying to convince me that everyone in my life hated me and thought I was insane.

I just ended up shrugging and ignoring. My true friends knew how awful he was and would frequently say how happy they were that I finally escaped. I ditched the mutual friends after a few years.

This is an interesting one.
My DH retired last year and although he’s not nasty or controlling he’s turned into the stereotypical grumpy old man.
I was talking to my best friend of over 45 years about it and she was defending him saying how chatty and interesting he was when we are out in a group, which is true.
I don’t think she doesn’t believe me, I think she is someone who likes to look on the bright side and avoids anything unpleasant for her own mental health.
So what I am trying to say is like most people she views life from her own perspective rather than being able to empathise with others.

He's a house devil/street angel

Charming people like psychopaths know what to say to suck people in. I bet he knows that your friend will be easier to win over if he says positive things about you than negative. So if he wants to have a dig at you he'll say "I care about Libertybonds but..." rather than "Libertybonds is such a fucking..." Over time your friend ends up thinking that he actually cares and his "concern" is kind and not an abuser's way of having a passive aggressive dig.