To say that their lives have thrived without me?

[LemonSherbetFancies]

I am having a down day and been in tears all evening.
Something made me look back at people I used to know. One, my former best friend who hurt me deeply, another friend who stole from me and who told me that she was not surprised I had been made redundant. Then an old boss who bullied me and would constantly yell at me.
Well, all of them on Facebook and Google searches all have great lives and seem incredibly happy. Aibu to say I must be pretty pointless if I am so easily removed from people's lives who I used to once be very close to over a period of many years?

No offence, but I very much doubt you’ve had that big an influence on where any of these people have ended up, for the better or worse. I doubt many of us have that much influence, beyond our children and spouses.

Your thoughts are sounding paranoid, depressed and irrational. re you getting therapy at the moment?

You've looked, you've seen the usual SM gloss and it's got to you...

1- the only person's happiness you control is your own. Start by

2 Not looking again

People generally show good things on Facebook. They could miss you and still not mention it on Facebook. It only shows a tiny snapshot of someone’s life. But it would also be really unhealthy for them to not live good lives just because they fell out with one person. No-one should ever give someone that power over them. People come and go in our lives, some endings are painful, but we all have to get on with it and live the best lives we can.

People come in and out of our lives, OP, it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they did get their act together and thrived. Maybe social media doesn't show all the hardships either. You sound very down and I'd say step away from social media and start focusing on you and your happiness.

That's one hell of a pity party you are throwing yourself there. The best way to deal with people who didn't appreciate you in their lives is to move on and be happy yourself.

@LemonSherbetFancies

I'm worried it's me and that I am not as worthy of love or friendship as other people. They are better off without me, their lives have got so much nicer. I feel like I just bring bad luck and annoyance to others and that when I have disappeared, things looked up for them.

I think this comes under the heading of a self fulfilling prophecy, OP. I mean, would you be uplifted by someone who thought like this?

Some things you can't change or control. Some, you can. This isn't a healthy, attractive or admirable outlook. It is draining to those who come across it and you are not central to these people's lives or the reason they've gone in any direction. "Strange inverse narcissism", as a PP put it, is right. Self-flagellation doesn't make it benign or better.

You need to start looking at what you want, how you can make it happen, your good points and start living in the present a bit. There is no prize for hair shirts and self flagellation.

Isn’t the whole point of social media to make it look like you’re living your best life, even if you’re not. SM isn’t real life, stop looking.

People move on dear, don’t take it to heart.

Life gets in the way of old friendships. I’ve moved around the country so often I’ve learned to let friends go. Not harshly, it’s just nolonger practical to meet so it tails off. Maybe your friends got busy with work, partners, kids?

Tbh I only meet up with the old friends who ask me and come within an hour of my home, unless I’m travelling. It they don’t nag me for meeting up they sort of slip off my radar. It’s not that I have a huge social circle locally, I have a few friends but I’m happy with my family and also my own company.

Also take social media with a pinch of salt. For every happy fun photo there were 10 bad ones plus they probably used filters.

@LemonSherbetFancies

I'm worried it's me and that I am not as worthy of love or friendship as other people. They are better off without me, their lives have got so much nicer. I feel like I just bring bad luck and annoyance to others and that when I have disappeared, things looked up for them.

I used to be like this. I learned a useful thing in counselling:

'The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

Everybody is faulty. Your friends with their seemingly perfect lives haven't posted about the time they farted in an interview, or fell flat into a muddy a puddle at a wedding. They're not posting about the niggling, undercurrent feeling that they don't really like their wife anymore, or that they secretly feel that parenting is more like torture than fulfillment. When they look at social media, they see everybody else looking awesome, too, and the reason that they post is to compete, or to 'keep up with the Jones'''. They wouldn't tell you that, because they don't want to admit that they are insecure. They'd say that it's because they want to share their lives with their friends.

Social media is a way of advertising yourself, that's all. And in the same way that soft drinks don't advertise with slogans like 'Tooth rotting obesity maker!', your ex friends aren't posting about the times they have similar feelings to the one you're having.

And how to fix it? Well, successful, happy people are successful and happy because they do things that make them successful and happy. So, if you want to be one, don't spend the day lamenting how everybody else is doing better than you. Start to change it. What does success look like to you? What life would make you happy? Make plans, make lists, brainstorm. Work out where you want to go, and set off. Take your time, it's a big project, and you may be years from achieving what you want. But tiny steps are good for the mindset.

Happy people make people happy, so, make yourself your own project. Work at you. If you're busy blissfully volunteering at the cat rescue centre/practicing piano scales for your grade exams/attending the night school course on how to make chocolates... you won't be bringing bad luck to anybody, will you?

Social media...either it's "oh look at me" or it's "everything is shit" . I have family who I only keep in touch with via FB. One of my cousins has admittedly had a tough few years, but we get constant updates on how he's feeling, what's gone wrong, etc how tough life is. His sister is posting how great retirement is, look at this trip, this holiday....yet I know that from other family that the brother inherited a fortune from his wife's family and the sister has real problems with her children being off the rails.

It's about the image they want to project. Concentrate on making your own life the best it can be

Also, who do you think you are? In the kindest possible way, why do you think you have the power to ruin lives?

Imagine it the other way round; how many people have you had in your life who had the power to stop you from doing the things that you want to do? I'll bet that, if there's anybody, it'll be a parent or significant other. Friends just don't fit into that position.

It's only in fairytales and bad TV dramas that nasty people get their comeuppance. In real life this rarely happens, you're going to have to deal with that I'm afraid.

Also - nasty, unkind people usually think of themselves as being very nice.

It’s the nature of life. We are all ultimately expendable.

* The worst marriages IRL for example are always #blessed on SM with anniversary posts about how wonderful everything is. Pure bollocks really.*

@MrsTerryPratchett that is quite a sweeping generalisation. Sounds like your talking pure bollocks.

What does success look like to you? What life would make you happy? Make plans, make lists, brainstorm. Work out where you want to go, and set off. Take your time, it's a big project, and you may be years from achieving what you want. But tiny steps are good for the mindset.

This is such good advice from @TheFoundations, it deserves to be framed in gold.

OP, I can tell you from experience that you'll get nothing useful from looking up nasty people from your past and dwelling on them. They're gone; don't give them headspace.

As to "thriving", here's a quick vignette from my life: After much slog, I got my dream job. People said "You have the best job in this city!", and I agreed; I loved my job and could not imagine one more fun or satisfying. What I didn't talk about were the 15-hour days, the weekend work, the exhaustion, the weight gain, the multiple bouts of whooping cough because I was so run down, and worst of all, the friendships I lost because I was just too tired to talk coherently, let alone sociably. Oh, and never mind the strain on my marriage (which was doomed to fail anyway). Not everything is ever as delightful as it seems.

This is such a weird take, did you expect their lives to fall apart after they fell out/ lost touch with a mate?

Whether their lives are great or not surely they would have more or less followed that path with or without you?

Definitely look into what else is going on to make you think like this it seems far more about stuff internal to you

No it is not like that.
I just feel like I am the sort of person who is easily removed from others lives and that when I am gone, things get better and better for them.

• dayswithaY

It's only in fairytales and bad TV dramas that nasty people get their comeuppance. In real life this rarely happens, you're going to have to deal with that I'm afraid.

Also - nasty, unkind people usually think of themselves as being very nice.*

I 100% agree with this. There’s so many nasty people I went to school with. They have great friendships, family, partners etc. It’s hard when you don’t have anything or mean anything to anyone. We all know social media isn’t real. But for example, I will see people go on holiday with their friends. I’d get jealous as I don’t have any friends. Or people getting married, I won’t ever get married or have children.

It is odd that you feel that things get better for them after you’ve gone. It’s not your fault they are horrible people. They are just users and are likely to do the same to others.

Do you have a partner, close family or other close friends at all?

@LemonSherbetFancies

No it is not like that. I just feel like I am the sort of person who is easily removed from others lives and that when I am gone, things get better and better for them.

Op, trust me, no is indispensable, we are all easily removed from others lives.

I've recently acknowledged that a friendship I had since was 11 has pretty much drifted into nothing, and that was in a situation where we still liked eachother.

You have to let people go, they may or may not be thinking of you from time to time, but you can't afford to allow this to waste anymore of your time.

I have an acquaintance whose SM is amazing. Perfect life, perfect kids, friends, job, husband etc, etc. It would make you green with envy only none of it is reality. Her real life is so far from Instagram perfect it's hilarious

@LemonSherbetFancies

No it is not like that. I just feel like I am the sort of person who is easily removed from others lives and that when I am gone, things get better and better for them.

What sort of things do you do in your life that support your self respect, OP? What do you think are some fab things about yourself? Fab skills you have? Fab personality traits?

I'm not asking you to make the list here, but make it for yourself. If you find it's got little on it, that'll be the root of this problem. And you can change it, fortunately.

@LemonSherbetFancies

No it is not like that. I just feel like I am the sort of person who is easily removed from others lives and that when I am gone, things get better and better for them.

You're still centring yourself and using your presence or absence as the marker for their lives.

Things will get better for you too, without people whose season with you is over.

Op, this doesn't even make sense.

Wether you are in their life or not, should not be there the determining factor, on wether someone lives a good life or not.

I can't quite understand why you think this has anything to do with your presence (or lack of) in their life.

You are looking these people up on Facebook and Google. People who you are no longer in contact with. And deciding the good things that they have are because your aren't in their life.

The issue here is how you feel about yourself. And I think a bit of envy and anger. You feel these people should have failed miserably at life because of how they treated you. But that's not how life works, most of the time.

If a friend of yours got a promotion, would you be sat there thinking 'they got that promotion because of me'.

I could maybe understand if it was an ex-partner that you had been very serious with but friends fall out and drift apart all the time. It would be very rare that someone's happiness and success in life would depend on one person's friendship.