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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have you been totally honest with your partner?

67 replies

Orangedots · 12/07/2021 19:59

We were having a discussion at work about precious sexual partners and what we’ve each told our current partner/spouse. Rather mixed responses!

Have you been totally honest about your previous sexual experiences with your current partner/spouse.

YABU: my partner knows everything
YANBU: I may have exaggerated my past experience etc

No judgement either way, and your vote is anonymous.

If someone hasn’t been totally honest or made themselves out to be more experienced than they are, do you think you can still have an honest relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangedots · 12/07/2021 22:06

@CatRamsey

I'm really surprised at the amount of people who don't talk about this and think it's weird to do so! I'd definitely want to know. I'm single but would always be honest if I met someone and would hope they'd be honest with me.
Me too. Yet almost 75% of the poll says their partner knows everything Confused

Me and my parter talked about all of that over time. Who we’d been with in the past, how many. Even down to what sexual things we had/had not done with our exes. I thought all couple did this! Shock

OP posts:
MrJsBs · 12/07/2021 22:14

Your poll is misleading because there's no option to say "I've never discussed it with my partner and see absolutely no reason why I would need to".
We've both mentioned significant exes once or twice when they've been relevant to the conversation but never in any detail. For me it's not about a lack of honesty, it's appreciating that DH is his own person with his own history and a right to privacy, and I don't have rights over any of that. Same reason why I would never check his phone. It's none of my business.

LemonRoses · 12/07/2021 22:18

Absolute honesty.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/07/2021 22:18

Not a conversation we have ever had and I would be concerned by anyone's motivations for having it. Seems juvenile.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/07/2021 22:19

No it isn't any of his business nor is his sexual past mine unless it required conviction or questioning by the law.
My ex was a jealous duck he liked to question my past, from the go I told DP it isn't something I'll discuss.
I might tell him about a fun night if I choose too but he'd never ask my number.

Gatehouse77 · 12/07/2021 22:22

Totally honest. You take me as I am or not at all.

Branleuse · 12/07/2021 22:22

Ive told them the odd thing about previous partners etc. We are pretty open about sex with each other but i havent gone into detail about past encounters or lovers. Is that what you mean?

Ohpulltheotherone · 12/07/2021 22:23

@CoRhona

Exaggerated?! Minimised...Grin
Lmfaoooo
Heatherjayne1972 · 12/07/2021 22:25

Yeah we’ve discussed it
He knows my number. I know his
He was involved with swinging and that’s not something I’ve been into so I had many (nosy ) questions about how that lifestyle works
But I drew the line at ‘I did XX she did yy’etc
His previous sex life isn’t my business

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2021 22:26

I've left large chunks out and minimised. He knows about a few younger fuck buddies, but not the actual real numbers. It was nearly twenty years ago. I'm a different person.

Ohpulltheotherone · 12/07/2021 22:28

It’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” in this house

What my partner got up to in his past is his business, not mine. Assuming we’re honest about who we are and what we want / need now then I’ve got no reason to enquire.

Of course things come up in discussion, especially at the start of relationships but does my partner know the in-depth timeline of my sex and dating life prior to him… no. And neither should he.

If a bloke exaggerated his sexual encounters for my benefit id find that a turn off, I don’t give a fig if you’ve had a threesome with Swedish triplets or not. Lying about it is cringey

Although saying that I can understand why say a 45 year old who has never had a partner might not want to admit that and may slightly embellish their story - rightly or wrongly I can see why that would happen.

RosesAndHellebores · 12/07/2021 22:32

Absolute honesty with DH and we have been together for 30 years and that's completely and utterly reasonable. It would be totally unreasonable to discuss my previous intimate relations or even existing ones with work colleagues. Yuk and TMI.

blueshoes · 13/07/2021 02:22

He has never asked. I don't see the need to tell. Twenty years later, I have forgotten!

Susannahmoody · 13/07/2021 02:32

Hahaha, you always minimise things liek that, no?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/07/2021 02:37

I never understand these couple who discuss their number of partners etc.

I couldn't care less who they shagged in the past, it has no relevance to now.

georgarina · 13/07/2021 02:44

Honest but not necessarily full disclosure, not for any particular reason than we never grilled each other over it!

I've kept some emotional medical procedures to myself too.

1forAll74 · 13/07/2021 03:05

I don't see the point of telling your partner/Husband, about your past sexual experiences. it's all very personal to you only. Some men especially, can react badly to hearing these personal things, and obviously some women, as in those who are insecure about lots of things,

Goldielow · 13/07/2021 03:16

At first, no I didn't tell DH the truth. Wouldn't have looked very good considering I'd slept with 2 of his friends and someone he worked with. He also told me he'd slept with a very low number of people and mine was a few dozen higher. So I told him about a fraction of the truth.
But after a while I told him the truth, all the grizzly details of my years as a single woman on a mission. Including his friends and workmate. I'm not ashamed of it, I might have been at one point but certainly not now. I think it's easier to be open now things have changed so much.

TheGallopingGourmet · 13/07/2021 03:22

DH said he doesn't want to know.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/07/2021 07:10

I suppose it depends how much there is to tell l.

ImInStealthMode · 13/07/2021 07:21

Option C please; we've never discussed it.

What happened behind bedroom doors before we met is not each other's concern and I've never known the 'how many people have you slept with?' conversation to end well.

In my experience it's most often asked by people who want the answer to be something that fits into their idea of ok. If it doesn't, then a problem is created that didn't exist before the question was asked.

ImInStealthMode · 13/07/2021 07:26

I'd like to add to the above that obviously we know an overview of each other's relationship history because things come up in conversation, but not a chapter and verse breakdown of how many sexual partners.

Absolutely no need for that.

Coulddowithanap · 13/07/2021 07:34

We haven't asked eack other and I really don't want to know anyway.

I had an ex partner who wanted to know everyone I'd been with even though he knew he was my first boyfriend, he was convinced I'd slept with every man I'd ever glanced at so I think I'd have seen it as a red flag if my husband started questioning me about my previous partners.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 13/07/2021 07:36

I don't want to hear details of what a partner has done before me.

I won't give details. It's over and why would I not look forward and focus on new partner.

I find some info helpful though. Have they had long relationships or a series of flings, have they cheated, why were they dumped as past behaviour is the best indicator of future.

WeatherSystems · 13/07/2021 07:37

Totally honest. I was very promiscuous before meeting DH while he saw sex as something to only share with somebody special. I’d never lie about it if asked, if weeds out men who have an issue with female sexuality and shows if you’re incompatible in your views early on.