To live in an unhappy home

[ihavechangedmyname54321]

I’ve name changed for this.

Two DCs, 5 and 2. DH and I married 7 years, together 11. WFH during the pandemic (and still now), lucky to have stable jobs through all of this.

Our house is constantly unhappy, constantly full of shouting and screaming. DH and I bicker a lot, he annoys me so much and I am struggling to identify things I like about him these days, even though he is a good man and father and pulls his weight. I constantly pick at him, about being on his phone, being slow to react to anything. He has no patience with the kids.

I also have very little patience, I try but after a bit of a rubbish weekend where we had friends and family over and DC age 5 especially was really badly behaved and so therefore embarrassed me and made me feel like a parenting failure, I’ve lost all patience with him. He is bratty and spoiled, rude and cheeky, constantly pushing boundaries, trying to wind us/toddler DC up. I feel I have no authority over him unless I’m threatening to take away things.

I have more patience with DC age 2, because he is 2, but he is very very hard work, has always been a high needs child.

I’ve read the books - How To Talk etc, I just don’t understand why it feels like it’s my children who are always the worst behaved, and why our house is constantly so unhappy. It’s not surprising my older DC is unhappy as I’m sure he picks up on the environment.

I don’t know the point of this post really, just need to vent.

You've got a lot on your plate. Wfh and never having time apart is causing a lot of trouble in relationships. I have seen it in my own family and friends.

Dc of that age are hard work. Close in age but miles apart in development Do you do much with either of them alone? When ours were little dh or I would take separate dc off to do things occasionally. It was nice to have one on one time and less bickering to deal with.

I wouldn't have people over if it's stressful. Maybe meet up elsewhere so you can leave when you anticipate the dc have had enough.

Do you get much respite from friends or family?

Have you maybe considered your mental health? Or your DH's ? You've both been through a tough time with the pandemic. I went through a similar situation where my relationship was breaking down and I had zero patience with my DC, after speaking to my gp and the mental health team I definitely had some underlying issues I didn't even consider before, after getting help our relationship is stronger than ever and I finally feel like a mum again. Take some time out for yourself, hope you're feeling better soon

I think it’s likely the child is badly behaved because he witnesses “shouting, screaming, bickering, no patience” modelled by the adults in the home. This must stop, in front of the children. Don’t ‘pick at him’ - just go quiet, do not engage, and focus on your and your children. That’s the first step.

Please be kinder to your five year old. He is very young and obviously in a fraught in environment. Don’t threaten. Spend some time with him. Praise the good, deal with the bad calmly.

The environment is likely to blame. If the marriage cannot be saved start to make plans to move on. You will all be happier for it.

Yes my mental health isn’t great, I’m currently on a very low dose of Sertraline after starting on 50mg daily at the end of 2019, which really helped. My MH had been better so I was weaning off it but perhaps that’s a mistake.

My DH’s mental health probably isn’t great either as he is chronically insecure, which makes him very defensive and sensitive. But instead of endearing to me which I’m sure it should if I really loved him, this just annoys me more.

I feel like our marriage can’t possibly survive as I just don’t see myself happy with him for the long haul. But at the same time we have survived a lot together and when the mood is light we have fun.

I worry about how we would ever manage to separate financially as neither of us can afford to be without the other really.

Good advice to disengage in front of the children. I tell myself every day I will be better, more patient and bite my tongue. I just find it impossible eg when DC asks DH politely for help and DH says yes fine and continues to stare at his phone.

@ihavechangedmyname54321

Good advice to disengage in front of the children. I tell myself every day I will be better, more patient and bite my tongue. I just find it impossible eg when DC asks DH politely for help and DH says yes fine and continues to stare at his phone.

If a man “found it impossible not to” have a go at a woman he’d be called abusive.

What a miserable existence for your poor children.

Lay off haters, the OP is here asking for advice.

Your children are the product of the environment they are living in and the behaviour their parents are modelling. If people are bickering around you and have no patience with you, you are unlikely to be happy and well behaved. You could seek support from your School Nurse or Health Visitor, they can support directly or signpost to family nurturing type programmes running in your area.

Check with your GP or online for local IAPT service - they have behavioural couples counselling which you could maybe do together or you could each have your own therapy. Could give you both some ideas of what to do differently before it gets to the point of shouting etc. I hope you feel better soon.

5 and 2 are tricky ages, add in WFH and a pandemic, and it's close to seventh circle of hell. Give yourself a break, I think maybe your expectations of yourself are too high. I can't imagine most households with kids that age being a calm quiet environment right now.

But the bickering with your husband needs to stop. Keep it to yourself, address it afterwards. They will be picking up on the stressful atmosphere.

You sound like you are constantly running to catch up, always reacting to situations and that's really draining.

In terms of the kids it might be time to 'fake it till you make it'. For 1 minimum of one week take nothing your children do personally. Pretend you are an actress playing a role. Frame everything you say to your children in a positive light.

After a week you might start seeing some positive changes in your kids behaviour.

Once you feel more on top of the kids it's time to tackle your relationship with DH.

I always think the best time to discuss an issue isn’t there and then but at another time. So the phone issue, discuss it and ask for ideas to improve it, don’t expect perfection but look for change. Consider your faults as well! Try and make weekends a time to reconnect as a family. I find with my DH working from home we need to get out, it’s stifling otherwise so we pick a pin with a beer garden and play area so we get food and a chat, they have a play or a large park where we get a good walk and a coffee and they get to run and play. The focus is how to make it nicer for us which makes it nicer for them.
My 5 year old drives me mad but I try not to pick up on every little thing. Surprise them by laughing at something they say or showing interest in a toy. They must be picking up on the awful atmosphere at home.

Finally, try and let your DH know what you do like about him, what they like that makes you smile.

It’s tough OP. Here to say it will get better, but it’s so unbelievably hard with toddlers, and it can really affect your relationship with you partner and other children.

Have a go at trying to be more empathetic toward the kid’s. Your eldest is playing up because he wants attention and is jealous of baby. It’s hard, but you need lots of praise, lots of love, no shouting, some structure at bedtime, clear boundaries.

Re your partner, you need to have a sit down. Talk about what you BOTH need from the relationship to have a happy home. It could be how he wants you to interact and help understand his insecurities, it could be you saying he needs to get his butt off the sideline and get involved with the kids to help. Whatever it is, talk it through. No arguments. Listen to each other and try to make it work. Again, set your boundaries.

If it’s still not working, you’ll have to consider your options on how you see the relationship moving forward.

Speak to your gp re your MH. It’s important to make sure you are okay and your meds are still right for you.

Shouting in a household happens to us all (ignore pp being unhelpful, I don’t know any mum who hasn’t snapped at her kids at least once). You recognise it’s not right. You’ll be okay, just be kind to yourself.

Give some thought to what you need. Patience will follow.

I dont want to be horrible but the kids are modelling the example set by you and dh. It's learnt behaviour.

Make some basic family rules, but present them in a friendly positive way. Then you and dh make sure you both obey the rules, then help the kids learn to obey them too. It's going to need to be a team effort to turn things around.

Regarding the sertaline, I started on the 50g dose also. I'm now on the 100g dose. Of course everyone is different and what works for me may not work for everyone but from my experience mood meds are an absolutely brilliant help (albeit only one factor in your complex situation)
I would say perhaps tackle the co-parenting aspect of your relationship with dh first, put the the romantic side aside untill that's sorted and then reveiw that aspect once things are going better with the kids and co parenting aspect

Thanks all loads of really good advice, will go through when the kids are in bed and make a proper strategy.

WRT the shouting and screaming, this is mainly the kids by the way, DH and I don’t scream at each other, but I bicker/nag/pick and he reacts angrily - DC definitely do pick up though.

Do you have proper childcare for when you're working? Can the DCs go to a grandparent for an overnight visit at the weekend sometime?

My 10 and nearly 8 year old have been impacted socially/behaviourally by the last 18 months, so I imagine this is magnified with younger DC.

My attempts at saving my sanity lately are:
Childcare: our pre pandemic childcare fell through, we have been able to enrol with another setting now.

Easy meals with little clearing up baked potatoes are good, as they go straight on oven shelf, same with pizza. Carrot sticks pre cut, bagged salad, fruit.

We bought a 2nd TV to avoid DC's arguments over what to watch and I've let them watch a bit more, especially when I need to be doing something.

Picking battles, not trying to et them to eat things they don't want to, allowing flexibility on clothing, bribery if I want them to come out for a walk.

Family film and dinner on the sofa every Friday and staying up a bit later to watch it.

No pressure with school work.

Basically, the opposite all of the stuff you're supposed to do these days

MaskingForIt you obviously enjoy making assumptions and kicking someone when they are down and asking for advice. You seem lovely.

I would book some joint counselling for you and DH.

It makes you both accountable.

Approach it from the "we need to get on the same page with the DC and engage with them and each other more positively"

Lot of good advice above but having someone external that you are paying for really helps focus the mind and gives you a weekly review.

The other suggestion.

Both you and DH agree on having your phones etc away when with the DC. I think phone browsing is a hard habit to break.

You sound like you're both running on empty. In your shoes, I'd try to make time for you both to recharge a little bit before you decide that your relationship has no future.

First, you both desperately sound like you need some lone down-time at the weekend. So divide and conquer. Plan three activities or outings with the kids, even if it's just making pancakes, the playground or play doh. You do one, your DH does one and the other one is family time. During each other's 'on duty', the other parent gets to do something they want, even if it's just having a nap or going for a walk alone.

Second, farm out the kids to family/get a babysitter in and make time to go out for a meal together sometimes. If you no longer enjoy spending time alone with your DH away from the stresses of home, that might give you a better idea of whether you want out of the relationship.

We do have childcare yes, well older DC is in school and we split the school runs. This isn’t ideal as when he comes home from school we’re both still working, but we can’t justify the expense of after school club while we’re both WFH and to be fair he wants to wind down in front of the TV after school anyway, on the days he doesn’t have any activities.

Younger DC is either in nursery or with grandparents on our working days. This was all different in the full lockdown obviously but I couldn’t go back to that again!

Just suggested the phone thing and it didn’t go down well, DH has had a go at me for raising it as it’s his birthday and it has now lead to a row…thing is it’s been his “birthday” all weekend as we’ve had his friends and family over every single day so when am I meant to raise it! I guess I should’ve waited until tomorrow but I’m at least trying to be proactive, we have had the same “we need to be nicer to each other” argument/discussion several times over the last few weeks as things have really taken a turn for the worse. I really am struggling to think why I am with him now other than the fact that on the surface we have a happy family life. If financially it would be easy to leave I would seriously look into it.

Getting sucked into distracting things like phones can bloody annoying but I think it is a symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem.

Perhaps focus more on finding ways to connect positively without the phone or the nagging being present, and then go from there. Totally agree with fake it til you make it, especially when it comes to patience and cheerfulness around hard work children. Watching clips of superananny snaps me back into better parenting sometimes!

It's hard though. Having toddlers in the home is so exhausting and stressful. Many relationships struggle and fail because it's just such a slog. But it doesn't stay that bad for most couples, so if you can muddle through without hurting each other irretrievably then I'd consider that a success!

Life with young children is hard and wfh/pandemic made it a lot harder.

The single best decision I made in my marriage when my kids were that age was to presume the best of dh. It is hard to explain but I just decided to give the benefit of the doubt so, for example, he wasn't asking if a nappy needed changing to make me do it - he was just asking. so I'd answer instead of snapping "why don't you change it so" it actually transformed how I thought about him and made for a much happier time at home.

Also with small energetic children, I think their behaviour gets better if you get them out of the house. We used to meet up with friends and go out to parks/beaches every weekend, bringing a flask of coffee and a picnic. you kind of need to run them ragged a bit so by the time you get home they are tired, ready for a film/tv/dinner and bed.

Thanks all.

Had a shit morning where DS was being a pain and after several discussions/calm dealings I just blew up at him when he moaned about taking his jumper off and putting suncream on. I'm really not proud of how I handled it. Something has to give, we are all just so unhappy.