Inappropriate touching

[Jennybeans401]

I'm supposed to visit my parents in a few months, I've not seen them for a long time. I don't have a good relationship with my dad especially as he's said and done many things over the years that have given me bad self esteem and we have a distant relationship.

I have one incident in my mind that, now I have daughters of my own, makes me worried. I don't know if I'm overreacting and I've never spoken to my family about it.

When I was about 11 or 12 and just started wearing a bra I remember my dad coming into the kitchen while I was eating breakfast and as he passed he ran his fingers down my back to feel my bra strap. I felt sick at the time and still do when I think of it.

I used to find his porn in different places in the house, sometimes in the living room and kitchen. Not blatant but in a cupboard.

I don't want to take my girls down to visit my parents. AIBU? I know this happened a long time ago but I still worry about it.

Can you go for the day and not leave them alone with him? Or go on your own?

Don't go. Full stop.
Protect yourself, your boundaries, your kids.

You have no obligation to see them and out yourself or children at risk.

What he done is fucking weird and he was testing the waters.

Stay away and keep your children safe.

Put*

Thank you, I feel a bit obliged to visit but I feel anxious whenever I imagine being there.

Dad left when I was 14 for a much younger woman. Mum reconciled with him about 6 of 7 years ago.

Trust your instincts, op. You don't have any obligation to visit your parents at all.

This is the bit of parenting books don't prepare you for...
Your highest priority as a dm is keeping your dc safe..
Now is the time to put that rule into play..
Your df's feelings aren't your priority - accept that and you will be fine.
And so will your dc because they will never set foot in his house...
Will they?

If you feel you have to go (which you definitely don't have to) why don't you go out for the day? And do something where the kids will be off playing so you don't have to worry about being in the same room as him and your girls all the time? I'm really sorry you went through/are going through this you deserve so much better xxx

Dont go OP. It was inappropriate and is clearly on your mind weeks before a visit, so much so you've posted on here for support. Look after yourself by staying away and it keeps your children away from him too

You don't have to go and put your dd's at risk. Tell your Mum she (alone) can come to see you.

Have you posted about this before?

How's your relationship with your mum? Is there a way you can arrange to just visit/meet up with her?

This is the first time I've posted about this although I've posted before on Mumsnet under another name about other things/general discussion.

The for years I've pushed this stuff to the back of my mind. I feel my protective instinct kicking in towards my dds. I will cancel the visit, I feel its something worrying me.

Trust your instincts. You owe him nothing. Try and meet up with your mum separately. Go out for a girls day out

I could try to meet alone with mum but they seem to do most things together these days.

Don't go anywhere where you're feeling uncomfortable. Trust yourself and protect your children. You can protect them very well don't doubt yourself. You don't feel this way for nothing.

Tell your mum why and maybe invite her alone to visit you without him. But if I'm honest, I don't expect your mum to support you when you tell her why you don't want this man near your children. I hope she does, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Does your dm know? Would you feel able to tell her?

A lot of your story has parallels with my childhood story.

If you want to maintain the contact, is there any way you could try to set up a virtual meeting (google hangouts / facetime / zoom etc) instead of actually going to this house?

why did your mother take him back incidentally?

Mum never stopped loving him, it's bad though because he's been quite mentally abusive towards her over the years. Putting her down, ignoring her, etc.

Imo your dm needs to know.

@Jennybeans401

Thank you, I feel a bit obliged to visit but I feel anxious whenever I imagine being there.

Dad left when I was 14 for a much younger woman. Mum reconciled with him about 6 of 7 years ago.

You feel obliged, but do you actually want to go?

What you’ve described on here suggests the visit won’t do you any good (though you my have just left out the pros to concentrate on the issue you’re struggling with). You are risking putting your DC in the position you were in all those years ago which is a massive con is your feeling of obligation so strong that you’re prepared to risk that or are there other potential benefits to going that you haven’t mentioned here?

So he left your mum for a much younger woman. That tells you a lot.

Did he get back with your mum when he learnt that you had daughters?

Also "they seem to do most things together these days" I wonder if he is limiting her freedom.

My df has put money in trust for the girls which is a considerable amount. I feel a bit obliged to have contact with him and visit my parents for this reason.

My mum also misses my dds and its been so long since we saw them.

I feel I don't want to go, my dds are my concern and I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it.

Tbh df never really asks about my dds and has always seemed disinterested in them (emails and calls very infrequently)

He got back together with mum because he's getting older and (I'm cynical) is worried about having someone there for him.