Inappropriate touching

[Jennybeans401]

I'm supposed to visit my parents in a few months, I've not seen them for a long time. I don't have a good relationship with my dad especially as he's said and done many things over the years that have given me bad self esteem and we have a distant relationship.

I have one incident in my mind that, now I have daughters of my own, makes me worried. I don't know if I'm overreacting and I've never spoken to my family about it.

When I was about 11 or 12 and just started wearing a bra I remember my dad coming into the kitchen while I was eating breakfast and as he passed he ran his fingers down my back to feel my bra strap. I felt sick at the time and still do when I think of it.

I used to find his porn in different places in the house, sometimes in the living room and kitchen. Not blatant but in a cupboard.

I don't want to take my girls down to visit my parents. AIBU? I know this happened a long time ago but I still worry about it.

@mancarose

If you feel you have to go (which you definitely don't have to) why don't you go out for the day? And do something where the kids will be off playing so you don't have to worry about being in the same room as him and your girls all the time? I'm really sorry you went through/are going through this you deserve so much better xxx

This.

Trust your gut OP.

Did you have dd's when he got back with dm?

Can you fully protect them in your DF's presence? If not, don't go. No amount of money is worth being abused.

Ooh, good question, @30degrees. Access is everything.

@Jennybeans401

My df has put money in trust for the girls which is a considerable amount. I feel a bit obliged to have contact with him and visit my parents for this reason.

My mum also misses my dds and its been so long since we saw them.

I feel I don't want to go, my dds are my concern and I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it.

I think your obligation is misplaced. In a way this is like saying he can buy access to your DC.

You wouldn’t do that would you? If he said “I’ll give them £1,000 if I can make them feel bad themselves.” You’d say “On your bike.” Put that feeling of obligation aside. Ask yourself “What’s best for my DC and me?”

is your mum genuinely happy with your Dad?
Did your mum suffer anything lasting as a result of his departure?
Is he still faithful to her?

How old are your daughters now?
Have you ever had an express conversation with your father about what happened in your childhood?

Is it express (or implied) that your father putting money in a trust fund for your children is conditional on him having face to face contact with your children?

How would you feel and how would he feel if your visit involved him seeing your children but on a "supervised" (if not acknowledged as being that) basis i.e. you never leave the room?

I assume your children do not know about your experience/concerns.

OP your replies are quite similar to my family experience/situation.

I do not know the answer but i offer you

My grandfather did something like this to me once when I was in my mid teens. It made me feel ill and scared and I never visited without my parents again ( I was dropping off medication for my ill grandmother)

I found out years later that he had raped several of his daughters in their childhood (large catholic family) Trust your instincts.

I'm so sorry to read about your experience @Jennybeans401 You are a great mom to be protecting your girls. I'm hesitant about others on here telling your mother-I don't know if she will support you and could very well blame you and it could be very hard to experience that. Have you considered any type of therapy?

Maybe op's dm is happy with her df... Maybe in full knowledge of the facts she could support the op and contribute to keeping her dd's safe by Ltb...

The children are ill, go by yourself.

My dad was abusive including in this way. While dd was very young and hard to keep away from him I didn't visit with her at all. Later occasionally but only once I knew I could reliably keep her literally well out of arms reach. Which even that I regret at times.

You are not obliged to visit, you're certainly not obliged to put your dc in harms way.

IF you go, do so in such a way as you know you can control the situation so that dc are protected - simply being in the same room isn't enough, my dad got away with doing things even when several other adults were in the room.

Those urging op to tell her mum - please be aware that very often the person in the mums position doesn't believe the victim

My mum still doesn't believe me and I first told her over 25 years ago and have never even slightly retracted or doubted what I told her because it was the truth.

She will never believe me, I've had to learn to accept that.

It meant I couldn't trust her to babysit or be alone with dd as I couldn't trust her not to compromise dds safety.

You could refuse the money. I've made similar choices.

No fucking way would that man be anywhere near my daughters. I can’t believe you are even considering it.

Trust your gut. Don’t go.
Don’t let the money guilt you into having a relationship. Let him do whatever he wants with the money, you’re not asking for it. You don’t owe him anything.

how much money exactly do you think is worth potentially exposing your girls to a pervert?
Trust your gut. We lost out financially and continue to do so as we refused to be in the same room as a man I was uneasy about in relation to my daughter. I have no regrets at all

My daughter's are 8 and 10 years old. I don't know why I haven't thought more about this before but for years I was so busy with the girls and work.

I have never spoken to him and mum about it, I just couldn't do that. Mum would not read anything into it anyway she is totally oblivious about most things.

I suppose the money might be seen as him trying to buy us, I would rather feel safe though. My daughter's mean everything to me and I really don't want to put them in harms way. Maybe part of me is still trying to deal with this, I think I've been in denial for a long time.

I've wondered in the past, was this normal? There are are other things that I feel happened when I was very young that I just can't remember but sometimes I get a feeling about it.