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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be the one to take my DS to hospital?

51 replies

Nahhh · 12/07/2021 13:39

I’ve been divorced from my ex for around 3 years. My child needs a minor operation next week. It’ll be the first time he’s had a general anaesthetic. It’s a simple procedure with minimal risk but I’m still nervous. There’s also the possibility DS will feel poorly afterwards and I’ve always been the primary carer.

I’ve asked my ex to look after the other children whilst I’m at the hospital. He’s said no, he wants to be the one to take DS. He isn’t backing down. Due to Covid only one of us can go.

He usually has the children one weekend every fortnight.

Am I being selfish wanting to take my son myself? I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 12/07/2021 13:42

Get someone else to look after your other children. Take your son to the hospital. Hope it all goes well.

Sally872 · 12/07/2021 13:43

Yanbu unreasonable but I can understand why dad wants to go too.

If you are primary carer I am sure you will get first refusal on going. Difficulty is getting childcare for the other two if dad won't do extra night.

If there is nobody else to watch the others then you might not have much choice but to let him go.

Imapotato · 12/07/2021 13:44

Can another relative or friend look after your other children so you can be with your son? I would want to be the one to take my DC too in this situation.

Sirzy · 12/07/2021 13:45

Who does he want there?

mumto2teenagers · 12/07/2021 13:45

How old is your DS? If he's old enough could you ask him who he wants to go with him.

Planty13 · 12/07/2021 13:46

You are their main carer, YANBU. You need to find someone else to watch the kids.

UpHillandDownAle · 12/07/2021 13:46

My kids love my DH, their Dad, but when poorly it’s me they feel they need. If you feel your son would prefer you (as it is likely if your his primary cared) then I agree with others, ask someone else to have your other children. I wouldn’t hesitate to help a friend out in this situation. All the best with it all.

234Pepperplant · 12/07/2021 13:47

Find someone else to have your other children and just take your DS yourself, unless you think he’d actually prefer his Dad. I’m assuming it’s not over his custody time anyway, though really this should have nothing to do with residence arrangements or adult feelings, it should simply what is in the child’s best interests. I think most people would reckon that was for the child’s primary caregiver to take them.

Who’s been to all the prior appointments?! I’m going to take a wild guess it was you…

Toddlerteaplease · 12/07/2021 13:47

Is he going to have to shield pre op? If so, and dad is not willing to shield, then he can't go with him.

Pinchmybun · 12/07/2021 13:48

Agree with the above pp - this isn’t about what either parent wants but a decision should be made about what’s in the child’s best interests and most importantly who does he want to be there for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 13:49

@Toddlerteaplease

Is he going to have to shield pre op? If so, and dad is not willing to shield, then he can't go with him.
Who’s said he won’t agree to shield? What a random thing to say. He cares for his child too, no evidence at all he’s not putting him first.
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 13:50

OP, get someone else to mind the others.

ChequerBoard · 12/07/2021 13:50

Having just been through emergency surgery with my own DS14 during which he unfortunately suffered an allergic reaction to theatre meds whilst in recovery, I would strongly advise you to push to be the one there with him. DS is a teen but he still wanted his mum when the chips were down and he didn't know what has happening to him.

I'm not saying this to frighten you at all- I'm sure all will go well but you just never know and that is why it's worth pushing for.

Noterook · 12/07/2021 13:59

Who does your son want to take him?

Original poster
Nahhh · 12/07/2021 14:01

I’ve asked my mum to come and help with the other children. It’s a 4hr train journey for her but she’s happy to do it. I’ve told him that I’ve made alternate plans for childcare and he’s kicked off.

OP posts:
elaeocarpus · 12/07/2021 14:01

Is he able to give a full and complete medical history of your child? ( they still ask now 11 yrs later if it was normal pregnancy and birth) Know exactly what/why is happening in this procedures, ask the right questions/pay attention about post op? In my experience they ask this all again in hospital; doesn't matter if you've told someone previously or its in the notes.

Ive done the hospital stuff not my ex; he would be very unlikely to recount my child's complete medical history ( and pregnancy/birth) completely and likely leave out things.

Original poster
Nahhh · 12/07/2021 14:02

My son is only 4, he wants me.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 12/07/2021 14:04

This depends. I wouldn't hesitate to agree to my DSs dad being the one to go. But we are equals to DS as to who he looks to for comfort. I sense this is probably not the case here so YANBU and it's a shame this is being made difficult for you. It's difficult enough.

SummerHouse · 12/07/2021 14:05

X post. You are definitely right to be the one to go. Sorry your ex is being an arse.

ChequerBoard · 12/07/2021 14:08

He's only 4? It's a no-brainer then, you are his best form of comfort.

Can you have a frank chat with exH along the lines of 'it's not about you or me it's about what DS wants and needs and how we can best support him through this'. I would be promising to update him throughout the stay- I did practically a running commentary via text for my DH during my DS's 3 day, 2 night stay.

Noterook · 12/07/2021 14:09

Well then thats what you say, DS wants me to be there and I have made arrangements for our other children. I will make sure to keep you an update when he is out of surgery.

EmJay19 · 12/07/2021 14:23

4 is too small for you not to be there

EKGEMS · 12/07/2021 14:24

My son was a daddy's boy but I carried him into the OR for surgery when he was an infant (4 months.) Dad walked with me way back in 2001. He can wait outside or close by hospital. Best of luck!

Gunpowder · 12/07/2021 14:29

Whenever my DC have been in hospital they have always wanted me. Even the one who worships her Daddy.

YANBU OP. And I’m glad he’s your ex. Flowers

SemiFeralDalek · 12/07/2021 14:34

Yanbu. You need to be there. Let ex kick off, he was being difficult and now isn't happy you've solved the issue without the need for him.

I hope all goes well with his operation xx

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