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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be the one to take my DS to hospital?

51 replies

Nahhh · 12/07/2021 13:39

I’ve been divorced from my ex for around 3 years. My child needs a minor operation next week. It’ll be the first time he’s had a general anaesthetic. It’s a simple procedure with minimal risk but I’m still nervous. There’s also the possibility DS will feel poorly afterwards and I’ve always been the primary carer.

I’ve asked my ex to look after the other children whilst I’m at the hospital. He’s said no, he wants to be the one to take DS. He isn’t backing down. Due to Covid only one of us can go.

He usually has the children one weekend every fortnight.

Am I being selfish wanting to take my son myself? I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 12/07/2021 14:37

Let him kick off. 4 is too young not to have his Mum with him. Especially if he's only been seeing his df eow for a period of time

Ourlady · 12/07/2021 14:42

He only sees the kids once a fortnight!
Does he want to go to look like the doting father?
Of course your son will want you there rather than a dad he hardly sees.
Tell him to fuck off!

DanceFortheSummer · 12/07/2021 14:42

My DD had surgery recently.

They said it had to be the parent she was at the house of during the isolation period before surgery (3 days) and who'd been tested for covid that went into hospital with them.

Your hospital has the same rule doesn't it? Wink

gillysSong · 12/07/2021 14:46

Well, good evidence of why he's your ex.
Tell him when he is the primary carer you'll think about it, and that your ds wants you there.
What an arse.

namechangedForthus · 12/07/2021 14:50

About time both parents were allowed with their child in hospital

Stompythedinosaur · 12/07/2021 15:00

Of course a very young dc wants to be with his primary carer. Total no brainer!

Hooray for your mum.

Terhou · 12/07/2021 15:04

@Nahhh

I’ve asked my mum to come and help with the other children. It’s a 4hr train journey for her but she’s happy to do it. I’ve told him that I’ve made alternate plans for childcare and he’s kicked off.
I assume it's not his usual time to have the children? In which case he has no say in it.
shouldistop · 12/07/2021 15:07

He's only 4 and you're his primary carer. Your ex is a selfish twat to try and keep a 4yo from his mummy and main source of comfort when he's going for an operation.

shouldistop · 12/07/2021 15:08

He sees him for 52 nights a year and thinks he's got the god given right to be there knowing fine well your son would be happier with his mum.
Dickhead.

WheresMySnackPack · 12/07/2021 15:17

Yes he spends most of his time with you so you should be the one to go.

Sounds like he wants to play dad when he feels like it.

B1rthis · 12/07/2021 15:49

You are both his parents. There's no such thing as a minor operation in the eyes of a four year old.
Both of you attend as both of you have the right to be at your child's bedside to support him.
If local hospital policy state one guardian, challenge this.
It's the hospital policy that is failing your child, not his parents.

namechangedForthus · 12/07/2021 16:01

@B1rthis

You are both his parents. There's no such thing as a minor operation in the eyes of a four year old. Both of you attend as both of you have the right to be at your child's bedside to support him. If local hospital policy state one guardian, challenge this. It's the hospital policy that is failing your child, not his parents.
Yes. Exactly this

It’s absolutely disgusting how children can’t have both parents with them still at some hospitals

staceyflack · 12/07/2021 16:05

The patient gets what the patient wants. End of. Hope your son is OK. Let the ex kick off - try to facetime or summat ASAP after the op - so he's involved / reassured. You are 100%not being unreasonable. 💐

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2021 16:09

@Nahhh

I’ve asked my mum to come and help with the other children. It’s a 4hr train journey for her but she’s happy to do it. I’ve told him that I’ve made alternate plans for childcare and he’s kicked off.
I'm glad your mum is coming, good for her! As for him kicking off - well, that makes it pretty clear that he's putting himself first and not his 4 years old son, doesn't it? Prick.
TiredButDancing · 12/07/2021 16:11

Well morally of course you should be the one because you're the primary parent. But I'd take a very logical/legal approach - is the operation during his contact time or when the DC are with you? if the former, then HE needs to get childcare for the others and take DC to hospital. If it's during yours (which I assume it is), then you will take him and get childcare for the others.

Simple.

Original poster
Nahhh · 12/07/2021 18:14

I agree that ideally we should both be able to be there but the hospital policy is one adult per child.

I appreciate the reassurance, our marriage was challenging and I’m used to letting him have his way.

OP posts:
NoNobramma · 12/07/2021 18:18

It’s a stressful time and tbh you’d only be more stressed with your ex around. Don’t engage with him now about it. Grey rock. Factual updates or give his number to the staff and ask that they contact him if he is emotionally abusive or manipulative.

Heronwatcher · 12/07/2021 18:25

Don’t give in- fight your corner. Don’t let him have his own way- have you asked him bluntly whether he has given a moment’s thought to what your son wants? I don’t think the hospital should have to justify its own policies just because your ex- husband is being a dick (the rules might change after next Monday but there’s usually only room for 1 in recovery/ on wards). My own partner has stayed at home many times as if my kids aren’t well they want me there. As an aside you often have to answer quite detailed questions about birth/ early years when kids are admitted, and then you may need to be given medication and advice on discharge which is totally impractical if the primary carer is absent:

bubblesr · 12/07/2021 18:31

@B1rthis

You are both his parents. There's no such thing as a minor operation in the eyes of a four year old. Both of you attend as both of you have the right to be at your child's bedside to support him. If local hospital policy state one guardian, challenge this. It's the hospital policy that is failing your child, not his parents.
Only one parent can go in to the anaesthetic room and only one parent can stay overnight regardless of COVID
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 12/07/2021 18:44

Why on earth is he kicking off about this? Is he the kind of bloke that wants to update his social media from hospital, so he can look like super dad of the year? Or sees it as a break from work?

Your son wants you. Don't let ex get his way this time.

Sirzy · 12/07/2021 18:46

I don’t agree having both parents there is always best for the child anyway. Obviously I know nothing of the history here but I have been in with DS when parents have been kicked off the ward escorted out by security because they where arguing so much.

One calm parent is better at what is a stressful time than two parents who are going to be potentially wound up by the other

elliejjtiny · 12/07/2021 19:05

If your ds wants you then it should be you who goes with him. It's usually me who goes into hospital with the dc. On a couple of occasions it's been dh but that's been either when I'd just had a c-section so couldn't lift an upset 5 year-old if needed or when the critically ill 12 year old needs a parent who can stay calm in resus (dh) and the autistic traumatised 6 year-old needs his mum at home (me). That was incredibly hard but necessary. In your situation unless there is going to be a massive drip feed then it should be you who goes.

LimpLettice · 12/07/2021 19:22

I've been in exactly this situation, well almost. DD had a fairly minor op at 3, ExDP (no other kids) wanted to be the one to be there in recovery. I had to take her down to theatre, hold her struggling in my arms for the gas, and had a raging panic attack on the way back to the ward just because I felt so awful for her. She begged me to stay with her which I promised because obvs I thought I'd be there when she came round.

ExDp caused such a scene waiting on the ward about how mothers think they are so important, he was just as important, I wasn't special or clever, I was being a bitch to him, and in the end I acquiesced. The first thing she said when she saw me was 'mummy you promised, where were you?' with great gulping sobs of distress. The nurse was horrified, DD wouldn't let him near her, and I have regretted it ever since. And I hate him for putting her and me in that position to prove a fucking point.

Anyway. A lot of words to say DON'T back down. Your DS needs you.

HipTightOnions · 12/07/2021 19:35

YANBU with giant knobs on.

I have been in a similar position and I understand perfectly. Your mum does too. Stick to your guns.

PoptartPoptart · 12/07/2021 19:48

You are his primary carer.
He is 4 years old.
Don’t engage with your ex anymore over this. Tell him that you will be the one going with DS and if he wants to look after the other DC while you are away then great. If not then tell him your mum will do it.
Keep it simple and factual about what is going to happen here.
Don’t back down.