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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ex is talking out of his backside?

48 replies

Mumoblue · 12/07/2021 10:03

Hi MN.
Ex and I have a 1 year old son. We split last year after he had an emotional affair but he only moved out recently due to COVID pushing everything back. He’s currently living with his parents very close by.

He sees the baby 1 day a week from 8-5 but 90% of the time finds a reason to leave at least two hours early (he takes the baby for the morning to his parents house and then in the afternoon watches him here- his choice not mine).
When I’ve said I’d like him to be reliable and actually stick to the time he’s agreed to, he’s gotten a bit hostile and told me that he and his mother have “looked it up” and that if we went to court they’d only make him see the baby once every two weeks so I should be “grateful” he’s doing more.

I’ve tried to do some googling but I can’t find anything about this. Obviously I’d rather not go to court and I was disgusted that he and my son’s grandmother are sitting around looking up the minimum time he can spend with his son who he supposedly loves.
I know I’m kind of stuck accepting whatever access he wants to have at the moment, so it’s not actually about going to court, and I don’t want to- but is this actually true?

YABU- yes
YANBU- no

OP posts:

Aprilx · 12/07/2021 10:08

I am pretty sure courts are not there to rule upon the minimum amount of time a parent has to see a child. So yes to a point, you have no choice but to accept his minimum as he can’t be made to do more. But the only loser in this is him, he sounds like a waste of space. I think I would be glad to be left alone. And don’t let him do his parenting in your home, that is your private space.

Thatsmydaughterinthewater · 12/07/2021 10:10

There is no minimum. He can legally opt out of any contact whatsoever with his son.

IDontReadEyebrows · 12/07/2021 10:11

If it was to go to court, these things are decided on a case by case basis. What works for one child/family won’t work for another. So yes he’s talking bollocks. “Looked it up” like it’s in the encyclopaedia for bone idle loser fathers

You can’t force him to spend time with your child and in your shoes I would be preparing myself and the child for him to have very little to do with you both. Of course, this could just be to put you in your place so you pipe down with your (reasonable btw) expectations. Do you think his mother would be “looking up” information about how little time her son can get away with seeing her grandchild?

Orf1abc · 12/07/2021 10:12

Whilst a court can mandate contact, they're very unlikely to do so with an unwilling party, as that's not in the child's best interests. So they're not wrong, but it's not because they'd be doing what he wants, it's because such a person is unlikely to take good care of the child.

cindarellasbelly · 12/07/2021 10:13

No court will require him to spend any time at all with his child. Annoyingly, what they might do is rule you have to make the child available for contact - so agree that he can see him every weekend for one day, or every second weekend for two - but then if he chooses not to show up, there's nothing you can do to enforce it, and no way he'll be penalised. Its rubbish.

Is he paying as much maintenance as he should OP?

Original poster

Mumoblue · 12/07/2021 10:13

I didn’t think there was a legal minimum, he made it sound more like a default arrangement for parents who do want contact? Personally I would be okay with him having no contact if that’s what he wanted be he insists he wants to see the baby. I think he’s just trying to mess with my head.

OP posts:

Daydrambeliever · 12/07/2021 10:14

It might be in your best interest to have his current time formalised. If he wants 1 day a fortnight give him 1 day a fortnight through a court order and make sure that CMS are aware of the contact split to ensure you are receiving the correct amount of maintenance.

Youdiditanyway · 12/07/2021 10:15

He’s sadly correct. The court can’t enforce contact at all really so if a Dad wants to opt out of parenting completely then he can, aside from paying maintenance of course. Courts do generally give the NRP every other weekend contact and sometimes one week day every week too but that depends on whether it disrupts the child’s schooling (I.e if Dad lives miles away from Mum).

MotionActivatedDog · 12/07/2021 10:15

The court wouldn’t make him see the baby at all if he doesn’t want to. He’d be a bit stupid to take it to court to ask not to see his child. I don’t think he (or you) understand how it works.

MotionActivatedDog · 12/07/2021 10:16

In fact the court wouldn’t even entertain an application from him not to see his child. It’s not what courts do. He wouldn’t get that far.

VettiyaIruken · 12/07/2021 10:17

He doesn't have to see the baby at all. No court sets a minimum time. It's not enforceable.

That said, what pathetic sack of shit 'father' doesn't want to spend time with his child?

There's no point trying to force him. If he can't be bothered with his baby then sod him. Your child shouldn't grow up feeling like dad doesn't even want to spend time with him and is clock watching, desperate to offload him.

I would say to him look, if you don't want to be with your child to the extent you're googling how little time you can get away with then maybe you just shouldn't bother. My son deserves people in his life to be there because they want to be. You either love your child or you don't.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 12/07/2021 10:19

@Thatsmydaughterinthewater

There is no minimum. He can legally opt out of any contact whatsoever with his son.

Sadly, this.

Don't be home when he brings the dc back after lunch. Simple.

PragmaticWench · 12/07/2021 10:20

He's just lovely isn't he.

I'd personally stick to the times you have agreed, so just don't be available for him to leave early. Go out, don't get back until five minutes before the end of the agreed time.

OoglyMoogly · 12/07/2021 10:23

Why is he in your house anyway? It's YOUR house, he doesn't get to dictate that he sees his child in your house!

Original poster

Mumoblue · 12/07/2021 10:23

@MotionActivatedDog You’re absolutely right that I have no idea how it works. I’ve never bought up court, because I just thought we could work out visiting between us. He’s bought it up a few times kind of oddly. (For instance, once he threatened to take me to court for primary custody because I mentioned I was about to run out of nappies, and then later denied that he had said that at all).

It does sound like he’s just bringing up court to get me to shut up.
I don’t mind him seeing or not seeing the baby it’s just the flaking on already-made plans, because soon our son will be old enough to realise when his dad doesn’t turn up or leaves early.

OP posts:

blubberyboo · 12/07/2021 10:25

He is pathetic and he is also messing with your head to try and control you. He likes knowing that you are sitting around waiting for him to show up.

Best thing to do is play it cool and show no interest in whether he brings the baby back early or not. Try and find things to do on those days that show him you are getting on with your own life and not waiting around for him, but in your own head know that the activity can be dropped to allow you to receive baby back early when he is being a prick.

Original poster

Mumoblue · 12/07/2021 10:28

To the people asking why he watches the baby at mine, it’s because his parents apparently don’t want DS at their house for that long because they work (visiting is at the weekend, so i get that they want to enjoy their weekend, but it doesn’t feel great).

OP posts:

Menora · 12/07/2021 10:28

I would reduce the contact anyway to be honest. If he only wants a half day then that’s what he can have. Just ask him to clarify that yes, he’s saying it’s not 8-5 it’s 8-2 or 3 yeah? He can drop him back at yours after his parents house and then leave. He shouldn’t be in your house if he can’t even be respectful

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2021 10:31

Might be worth getting something in writing so he has set days and times that he sees your DC, and he can't mess about. But if he misses the days there's nothing you can do to enforce him seeing your DC.

Maybe have a clause stating if he doesn't turn up within half an hour of the arranged contact time without letting you know, you will assume he is not coming and get on with other things.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/07/2021 10:55

He doesn't have to see his dc at all, shitty though that would be.

I would knock on the head him coming to your place, it is his responsibility to find a suitable place to have contact. At least you'd know where you are.

Make sure he pays proper maintaince. He sounds like a shit dad.

whynotwhatknot · 12/07/2021 11:14

yes unfrotunately he doesnt have to see him a minum at all

but his parents dont sound great they dont want theyre gc there because they work?

PumpkinKlNG · 12/07/2021 11:20

Yes every other weekend is the norm. That’s all my ex wanted to see the kids for, every other weekend for a few hours (not overnight) Court won’t make him see the child any more than HE wants to

LookItsMeAgain · 12/07/2021 11:23

@Mumoblue

Then he brings your DS to a park or a shopping centre or a library or somewhere else but you do not have to facilitate the visiting in your home now that he has gone. My advice would be to talk with a good family law solicitor and start to get things formalised through the courts, including where he looks after his son (i.e. somewhere other than your home).

newnortherner111 · 12/07/2021 11:23

Well I suppose looking on the positive side he does at least acknowledge his child.

The response to those who suggest court or threaten it should be to go to court, or start proceedings. Maybe if he is like this when a child is one, he will only get worse.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/07/2021 11:25

He's using visitation to control you.

Its a really common trick.

You can't make plans because he flakes on them, you can't spend time chilling in your home because he has to be there.

You need to start putting your foot down now, he isn't entitled to be in your home, and as your life moves on you won't want him there anyway.

He will use your love for your child against you and make you feel grateful for any basic bit of parenting he does.

Set your rules and boundreis now and stick to them.

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