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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes feel a bit cheated - covid related

37 replies

Babymeanswashing · 11/07/2021 19:16

Before I start I just want to stress here that I consider myself very lucky.

But AIBU to feel a little bit cheated out of my pregnancy and first year parenting because of covid?

It’s daft I know but scrolling through Facebook and a photography page I follow had posted some pregnancy photos. I don’t even know if I’d have bothered … but it would have been nice to have the opportunity!

We didn’t get to do newborn shoots of DD as lockdown happened for a third time when she just came out of hospital (end of December 2020.)

DP wasn’t allowed into scans, or with me for most of labour. Loads of things just weren’t open for a while.

I’m loving being a mum and life is great. I don’t know why I’m posting, just feel a bit sad. Stupid really. I am being UR Grin but I’ve typed it now so who cares!

OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 11/07/2021 19:22

YANBU.
I’m not surprised you feel cheated, I think all of us feel that way.
My younger DS finished primary school last summer, so missed all his celebrations. My older DS just did his GCSEs and their prom has been cancelled.
We’ve just cancelled our holiday, and given that DS1 is about to be 16, it may have been our last family holiday.
It’s not unreasonable to feel fed up with all the things we’ve missed, and it’s especially said if it’s things that can’t be done again.
You’re allowed to moan.

Rothko2929 · 11/07/2021 19:23

It just is what it is, sadly. You’ve deffo been cheated of the normal experience, we all have in some form or other. Let’s hope for better days

Haudyourwheesht · 11/07/2021 19:24

I think you're entirely justified to feel the way you do. My DD turned 2 during the pandemic so was at nursery while I was working, but I'd have been gutted had she been a year younger. I'd have struggled without the groups for company and so the wee one would see folk, and I personally needed the routines of getting out of the house, even if it was just for a coffee.

chinateapot · 11/07/2021 19:26

It is sad and you’re allowed to feel sad. We’ve all been cheated of what we expected from the last 18 months and it’s a real loss.
My daughter finished chemo in Feb 2020. We were going to go to centerparcs but then I got pneumonia. By the time I was better it was March 2020 and we had to shield for 3 months. I’m incredibly thankful she’s well and we’ve had some good times in the last 18 months but I’m still gutted we didn’t get to do all the nice things we’d planned and hoped to do that got us through the awful bits. It’s ok to be sad. Flowers.

Northernsoullover · 11/07/2021 19:26

I think we have all been cheated of so much. You aren't wrong for feeling this way.

WeatheringStorms22 · 11/07/2021 19:27

Lots of people have lost out on lots of things. So yanbu to feel sad that your experience wasn't what you'd have hoped.

However 'cheated' sounds a bit like you feel you've missed out on more than most or worse. If that's your meaning then Yabu.

Crunchymum · 11/07/2021 19:34

Everyone had lost so much and there shouldn't be a hierarchy of loss.

I've sadly had to deal with the sudden death (not covid) of my mum and all the restrictions made funeral planning / hosting a wake very difficult. Not to mention the fact us siblings couldn't be together as a family due to bubbles nor could we be with each other for our first Christmas without mum etc. It's been hard to grieve in the time of Covid.

Slightly off topic, but I do think funerals being curtailed so heavily was a little unfair, afterall you really cannot postpone a funeral, but it is what it is.

I know no-one has had an easy time and you are allowed to feel what you feel OP.

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2021 19:37

Yanbu at all. We've all missed out on so much

maddening · 11/07/2021 20:03

Yep, for those going through key life moments it has been naff.

Yep, for some this period of life has been totally tragic.

Some people have had a great pandemic.

All.you can do is make the most of what you have and be thankful for what is good x

3cats4poniesandababy · 11/07/2021 20:10

I completely agree with you. I have also lived through having first baby during covid. People seem to love to tell me how 'baby isn't missing out with the lack of groups. The groups are more for mums anyway' personally a bloody vital thing for mum's mental health.

Sindragosan · 11/07/2021 20:20

I'm sure you're going to get jumped on in a second, with people telling you to be grateful you're still alive, but yes, I'd be feeling cheated if I'd had pregnancy/maternity during covid.

I've had awful pregnancies and delivery and I'd hate to think about doing it alone, and even with a whole lot of baby groups, maternity was isolating in ways I never expected. I've still got friends from my first maternity leave, I wouldn't have made those without the various groups.

So yes, you have been cheated, but then everyone has in one way or another.

BritWifeInUSA · 11/07/2021 20:20

I can assure that TTC for over 20 years and going through every treatment Optik under the sun and still being childless is a lot worse than not having a maternity photo shoot. My mum had 5 children and once had a maternity photo session. Does she feel cheated? Absolutely not.

Life gets a lot harder than this. You need to toughen up.

BritWifeInUSA · 11/07/2021 20:21

My mum never once had a photo session, that should say…

Tickly · 11/07/2021 20:23

Yanbu. It's been a hard year to have a baby. I feel especially sad for people having their first without support and lots of friends around to hang out exhausted over coffees.

3cats4poniesandababy · 11/07/2021 20:25

@BritWifeInUSA I am sorry to hear about your struggles with TTC but life isn't a race to the bottom. Yes you may be willing to give up a lot to have a baby but that doesn't make the experiences ans feelings I and many others have any less valued and real.

I don't understand your pain but you don't understand the pain of a traumatic delivery, being left a alone on a ward post partum while my baby was on nicu, or isolation (along with post natal depression/anxiety) from a lack of baby groups.

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 11/07/2021 20:57

brit is just trolling, don’t worry about it. Thanks for the nice responses. I think anything you won’t get to do again, whether it’s a bereavement or the end of something or beginning of something else will hurt.

@Crunchymum so sorry about your mum.

OP posts:
Fernando072020 · 11/07/2021 20:59

My son was born July last year. I'm a first time mum and he was the result of 4 years of waiting, and icsi. He's likely going to be our only child because of that and I feel very cheated out of that year. Especially since I'll never get another chance.
Yanbu.

Overthebow · 11/07/2021 21:03

YANBU. Those who haven’t been through having a baby in the last year have no idea how hard it’s been for us.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 11/07/2021 21:07

I spent my entire maternity leave in lockdown and yes we’ve been lucky in lots of ways but I had so many plans for how my second and final maternity leave would be after a tricky time with my first and very little of it has happened. I think a huge amount of people feel cheated in different ways

Lindy2 · 11/07/2021 21:13

Yes, you've missed out on some special times.

I feel very much for those who've had babies in lockdown and those whose wedding plans have been spoilt.

Both are such special occasions it would be very hard not to feel at least a bit hard done by.

I think though it would be hard to find anyone who hasn't missed out on something important to them because of Covid. It's been an awful time for a lot of people.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/07/2021 21:14

Yanbu. But every age has it's own issues.

My 3 year old doesnt understand what a holiday is and cries when we say we are going on holiday soon. She doesn't yneedatsnd what a beach is as we haven't been to one for more than half her life. The sea is not something she can comprehend. She has no idea what soft play is despite going every month when she was under 18 months.

WeatheringStorms22 · 11/07/2021 21:16

Those who haven’t been through having a baby in the last year have no idea how hard it’s been for us

🙄

And you'll have no idea about how hard it's been for many other people in xyz specific situations.

No one wins in the loss stakes here. It's been shit for lots of people. No, you haven't had it worse than everyone else just because you have a new baby.

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 11/07/2021 21:20

I don’t think I said that I did weathering.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 11/07/2021 21:23

I sort of know what you mean.
I had my family before scans and the internet. I was so excited and had a birth plan and the rest, but got a massive bump into reality when my full term plus ds needed scbu and had to be moved to another hospital. I was discharched without him. I watched all the other new mums get escorted to their cars taking them home and being photograghed outside the maternity unit with their precious babies. I felt as though I had given mine up for adoption. Ds finally came home but there was nothing special the way it should have.
You will create many special things , but it gets easier. You have a healthy baby which is the main thing. Forget social media as it can get you down.

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 11/07/2021 21:26

Oh I can totally understand that @Cryalot2 - that must have been horrible!

I don’t know that I’d even change anything because right now is so lovely. I’ve loved doing baby groups with DD though.

OP posts: