To sometimes feel a bit cheated - covid related

[Babymeanswashing]

Before I start I just want to stress here that I consider myself very lucky.

But AIBU to feel a little bit cheated out of my pregnancy and first year parenting because of covid?

It’s daft I know but scrolling through Facebook and a photography page I follow had posted some pregnancy photos. I don’t even know if I’d have bothered … but it would have been nice to have the opportunity!

We didn’t get to do newborn shoots of DD as lockdown happened for a third time when she just came out of hospital (end of December 2020.)

DP wasn’t allowed into scans, or with me for most of labour. Loads of things just weren’t open for a while.

I’m loving being a mum and life is great. I don’t know why I’m posting, just feel a bit sad. Stupid really. I am being UR but I’ve typed it now so who cares!

It’s been hard for new mums.

I can empathise. I had twins as a single parent without a car (not in lockdown- 14 years ago). I couldn’t access the train as the station had 2 flights of stairs, and couldn’t get the twin pushchair on the bus. I mainly took outings by walking to the shops and really crap local park for the first year of my children’s lives. My dad took me to a few things. I had no friends local to me and none of them had kids so I was extremely isolated.

I can imagine this year has been similarly tough for people with new babies.

I often think of mums of firstborns missing out on antenatal classes, baby groups etc and the dads not being there for the scans etc. Especially those couples who live some distance from family. I’m so glad I had my kids pre-pandemic. I feel for you, OP.

@WeatheringStorms22

Those who haven’t been through having a baby in the last year have no idea how hard it’s been for us

🙄

And you'll have no idea about how hard it's been for many other people in xyz specific situations.

No one wins in the loss stakes here. It's been shit for lots of people. No, you haven't had it worse than everyone else just because you have a new baby.

I didn’t say we’ve had it worse. It’s not a competition. But it has been really hard and it posters coming on saying we haven’t had as hard a time because of x or y is not very nice to hear for all of us struggling.

I get this. I had twins in Feb 2020, after 7 years trying and multiple IVFs.
My whole maternity leave was in lockdown. I couldn't meet any other mums/ go to baby classes/ enjoy being off work and pop into coffee shops or restaurants etc. I couldn't see my family for months (and am a lone parent). Some immediate family still haven't met the babies, due to restrictions.
I do feel cheated of a normal maternity leave, and now am back to work full time in a stressful, pressurized role, so will never get that time back.

(I know other people have also been cheated of significant life events (Eg funerals, cancelled IVFs due to clinics being shut, etc), so not comparing myself to them. But it was a bad time to give birth/be on maternity leave).

I always feel like cheated is the wrong word. Lockdowns weren't done to take anything away from anyone. They were don't to try and keep the NHS going.

We have all missed out on things. It feels crap and I think people should be allowed to wallow from time to time.

And, while its not a race to the bottom, after a bit of a wallow, it's worth remembering that alot of us are lucky and could have lost alot more.

Maybe we need to concentrate on making the most of things now restrictions are easing. Instead of thinking about doing the photo shoot, actually do it for example. There has to be some good that comes out of this, for some people.

I actually don't think your BU.

We have the opposite here with my DM having terminal cancer.

So with lockdowns and holidays cancelled etc we feel cheated out of her final years.

I didn't post that as top trumps but rather to show it's absolutely fine for people to feel cheated. You need to stop and recognise how this pandemic has affected you to heal and move on.

Same with kids and education. Uni students. Those who had just started businesses and couldn't get grants.

Sports people who hadn't yet made elite teams because it was coming to height of season.

Congratulations on the birth of your dd. I hope you manage to find another way to create pictures and memories as we come out if this

Yanbu. My DTs were born at the start of the first lockdown. Weekly scans alone from 32 weeks despite being a complicated pregnancy and told that T1 may not survive. Alone on the postnatal ward. Our entire year off together was spent in tier 4 or lockdown. No newborn cuddles with family or friends. No first birthday party. ONE playdate whilst I was on mat leave.

I had to go through my DS's diagnosis of a terminal condition, then go through him dying through labour and couldn't even give him a proper funeral due to restrictions. Lockdown is shite and you're not unreasonable to feel sad about the things you couldn't have. It's crap.
In saying that, it was nice to have time off work due to being high risk due to the pandemic, so that I could at least have a relaxed, peaceful second trimester before we learned about his condition.

Lockdown hasn't been easy but I consider myself lucky to have had no milestone events occur during this time. I haven't lost anything I won't get another shot at. So I don't agree that it has been equally bad for everyone.

I have watched my young adult daughters miss key life events they can never get back and I've been aware of elderly people suffering a great deal from isolation and loneliness. I can also remember what it was like to be a young mum and I do not think I would have coped well under lockdown circumstances. I am sorry that you feel cheated, but I don't think it is surprising and no, YANBU.

I feel the same op. Had my first DD back in June last year it’s been really hard with no support and I think it was either you or another poster said about the groups it’s ok the babies haven’t missed out but they hit the nail on the head by saying just meeting other new mums sometimes makes you feel like your not alone and we never had that. Just someone that’s going through the same thing as you at the same time to talk too I felt so lonely and I know that one of my DP’s friends wife said the same but she had her DS in much harder circumstances than me so I feel it was even harder for her ( all ok now thankfully and a gorgeous handsome wee boy )

I have however had my DP working from home with me since Feb last year so he has got to see all the things he would have otherwise missed had he not been here and I know it’s not the same for everyone, but it’s brought us much much closer together as a couple so I do feel really lucky in other ways, extremely lucky actually but I do feel a bit cheated sometimes.

Onwards and upwards as they say, things have got to get better for everyone again that’s what I’m hoping for x

It has hit everyone in different ways, but I hear you. It sucks, but you can't change it and think about the great stuff you'll do in the future

I know how you feel, I had DS end of February 2020 and was then made redundant on maternity leave - so whilst my birth and scans were unaffected, we relocated 400 miles for DHs job and I was unable to go to baby groups and meet anyone. So bloody isolating! I do feel a bit cheated in some ways, but also thankful we are all healthy.