Contact with DS father

[Mycatcontrolsmymovements]

Name changed as this could be quite outing but need to include details

Backstory: split up with ex years ago. No contact with DC bar video calls for over a year, then he moved back to area and had contact 1/2 a week for a couple of hours at a time (his choice). Covid hit and then he was self-isolating and then tbh no more contact bar a text on DCs birthday to say sorry he couldn't drop presents off to which I didn't reply.

It was DCs birthday recently and Ex text and said "Owing to restrictions lifting and being double jabbed, I would love to see DC again"

Now, I'm thinking what does restrictions or being double jabbed have anything to do with now being able to see him? He never called or sent a card in the last year and a bit??? He could have still seen him despite restrictions!

I really don't know how to respond. My DC has been really bewildered and sad at the lack of contact and now what? Just breeze back into their lives but with no routine or stability?

Tbh, I am torn at just calling him out on the bullshit reasons for no contact and saying fuck off but then I would feel guilty for not facilitating contact and effectively carrying the can for the end of any contact (although I have a gut feeling it will be sporadic)

YABU respond and try your best to set something up

YANBU ignore

Sorry also if people think I should respond, what reply should I give??

Sounds like my ex, he stopped seeing them due to Covid when one of them had to isolate as someone tested positive at their school he refused to see them again and said should he just see them when it’s all over

For the kids sake you need to respond. You don’t t want him using it against you in the future.

My ex did the same decided he wasn't going to see them "due to covid" then he decided he could see them for an hour twice a week ds1 goes occasionally ds2 chooses not to

Really not trying drip feed sorry but DC is autistic so routine is important

Should I call out on bullshit but respond or be the bigger person and not reference the absolute shite he is spouting as reasons?

I would ignore tbh, but then I know people on MN think men should be given chance after chance after chance so he doesn’t “use it against you” despite not bothering to see them but you have to keep having the door open and witnessing your child being hurt repeatedly. Nope.

@PumpkinKlNG THIS! I am opening up my DC to be disappointed and hurt again when we have such a lovely settled life right now

Yanbu if you tell him that seeing him again means that he is commuting to regular contact again even if it's once or twice a week for 2 hours like last time.

I would let go of the a Covid restrictions thing which we are all know is bullshit but I would consider arranging to meet up to give a finaL
chance at regular contact, however little it is.

Tbh I’d ignore the message. It doesn’t sound like he’ll try too hard to see his child and even if he does he won’t be arsed to keep it up with regular contact.

Sometimes this ‘in and out’ of children’s lives is more damaging than not seeing them at all.

The thing is he has form for it so it’s not like you haven’t given him chances, how many do you give? My daughter has autism as well and exes in and out really messed her up. It’s bad enough for a child without autism. I regret giving him so many chances only to disappoint them each time. Doesn’t sound like he’s fussed about you using it against him (not that I’m saying you would) but why should you have to worry about that? He’s the one letting them down.

So he can waltz in and if/when it goes tits up again he can piss off again?

Call out his bullshit, let him know how shit he has been and the effect it has had on his child that he suddenly wants to be involved with again.

Some parents are so shit!

Unlike you, Ex Name, I don't have the luxury of only opting to be DS's parent when it suits me. He is neither a toy nor your hobby, he is your son. I am unsure about contact because you behaving as if he is a casual interest is damaging and unfatherly.

I think if DC were to ever meet him again as an adult, he would use it against me, and then no matter what seems reasonable now would be "Your mother was responsible for all of this!". I'm so pissed off he can put me in this position. Who just doesn't care if they don't speak to their child in over a year???

For the record I have never said anything bad about him. Never would. I have been non-committal sometimes and changed the subject in conversations about him

Have you told your ex how much it has hurt DC in the past when he lets them down?

I have once when I was pushing overnight contact (at DCs request, when he was around) He had him overnight once and then that was it.

Thing is my DC isn't going to understand if I cut his father out because I wanted stability, and to not ruin all he amazing progress he has made at school. He won't understand I'm doing it out of a need to keep a steady base ahead of transitional phases to secondary school. Aaarrrgghhh

Maybe I should respond with: How do you feel xxxx would respond to seeing you briefly after 1y4m of no contact?

I think you have to respond for the sake of your DC. Dad needs telling if he wants contact he has to be regular otherwise it will upset his child. Even if you are not happy you have to keep the door ajar.

How old is DC? Is he old enough to talk to him and ask how he feels before/if you respond?

Reply with "no problem. I'm sure you appreciate the need for a solid routine for DS so let me know when you need me to attend for mediation/court in order to put something formal in place"

Yes that is a good response from @justchecking1.

That's a very good response @justchecking1

I agree with @justchecking1. You should push him to formalise it, let him do the paperwork and court fees. If he really wants it, he’ll do it.

Out of curiosity does he contribute financially?

No, he has always refused to give anything financially and tbh I dont need it, so never pushed