Contact with DS father

[Mycatcontrolsmymovements]

Name changed as this could be quite outing but need to include details

Backstory: split up with ex years ago. No contact with DC bar video calls for over a year, then he moved back to area and had contact 1/2 a week for a couple of hours at a time (his choice). Covid hit and then he was self-isolating and then tbh no more contact bar a text on DCs birthday to say sorry he couldn't drop presents off to which I didn't reply.

It was DCs birthday recently and Ex text and said "Owing to restrictions lifting and being double jabbed, I would love to see DC again"

Now, I'm thinking what does restrictions or being double jabbed have anything to do with now being able to see him? He never called or sent a card in the last year and a bit??? He could have still seen him despite restrictions!

I really don't know how to respond. My DC has been really bewildered and sad at the lack of contact and now what? Just breeze back into their lives but with no routine or stability?

Tbh, I am torn at just calling him out on the bullshit reasons for no contact and saying fuck off but then I would feel guilty for not facilitating contact and effectively carrying the can for the end of any contact (although I have a gut feeling it will be sporadic)

YABU respond and try your best to set something up

YANBU ignore

Yep, another one saying go with the text justchecking has said.

I honestly don’t think you’ll hear from him for another 12 months after that.

Just keep repeating that of course he can see his child, and you’re more than happy to get something formalised through mediation/court.

No problem. I'm sure you appreciate the need for a solid routine for DS, especially after this last year of no contact. Let me know when you need me to attend for mediation in order to put something formal in place and work out a structure for DS.

Does this work??

Hmm not sure about pushing him to formalise it personally that just means you need to make the kids available for him doesn’t mean he needs to stick to it

@PumpkinKlNG

Hmm not sure about pushing him to formalise it personally that just means you need to make the kids available for him doesn’t mean he needs to stick to it

I agree with this. A court order obliges the resident parent to make the child available for contact. It doesn't oblige the non-resident parent to take up any or all of the contact offered.

I'd suggest you reply and say you'll be happy to facilitate contact, but that you suggest regular contact would be best for your son, and that you start with short blocks of contact and build it up as and when the relationship is re-established.

If you refuse contact and Dad does go to court, he is likely to be awarded some contact, and you'd then be obliged to stick to a court order, so the best option for you is to try and negotiate something you're happy with.

Personally, take a week to respond.

If he is interested he will get in touch again. If he complains just say you were busy looking after DC and hadn't had time to plan what was in DC's best interests.

I would also go with resuming contact gradually given I has been over a year and the hurt caused by his lack of contact. Start by suggesting letters and cards to ds for X weeks and if he is able to be consistent and DC is happy, then moving to phone calls before resuming contact.

Yes but at least he has to go to the trouble of arranging and attending mediation. To prove he's serious about this.

Sorry that was in reply to Pumpkin.

"...and while we are regularising things, we should work out a fair financial contribution from you to DC's upbringing. How would you like to start this process?"

Doesn't matter if you need the money, he Still owes it.

I know someone who wanted to take her kids on holiday but couldn’t because of the court order her ex rarely stuck to it but she still had to make the kids available on the off chance that he would see them, because only she would get in trouble not him, he doesn’t get in trouble if he doesn’t see them but she gets in trouble if she doesn’t stick to it so court order would only really benefit him not the op....

I would reply with justcheckkng’s message without the modifications.

It is true that a court order wouldn’t force him to see the kids on “his days”, it would just force you to make the kids available on the dates. But I would still want him to see him making the effort of arranging contact formally as disappearing like that is worse for the children than not seeing him at all.

Being so unreliable I strongly suggest that when you arrange a pattern of contact, you choose a neutral place away from the house for handover and set a 15 minutes window for him to show up to pick up and return the kids, to avoid spending years to come wondering a what time he would show up.

There will always always be something that could be done with your ex's financial contribution. I would definitely require him to go to court and I'd also start a CMS claim because your child is entitled to that money.

Add in the line about regularising his financial contribution to your message about setting up a regular contact.

You're protecting your child by asking him to seek court ordered access. I have a asd child and its about proving commitment when he's already behaved revoltingly

No problem. I'm sure you appreciate the need for a solid routine for DS so I would ask you consider how a regular pattern could be put place. Happy to attend mediation

Is that ok?

Maybe something firmer than "would ask you consider"? How about "we should"?

"So please consider....."

We need?. . too strong?

Why are you worrying about being too strong?

Don't forget that you're the one who holds all the cards here. What's he going to do even if he does think you're wording things too strongly...it's not like he can threaten to drop contact or withhold maintenance is it?!

I think PP's suggestion of a neutral handover place is a very good idea.

You're right. I'm overthinking this. I think I just preferred him to stay away tbh as he was so useless and now I have to pander to it

I think you should try to set up a pattern of regular phone calls or even zoom calls first. Then he if sticks to that, face to face contact but with you present and for a short time eg at a e shop or MacDonald’s.

Then if that works out Ok you could think about letting him have your DS on his own for a few hours.