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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go away as part of a big group?

62 replies

CaraMellow · 11/07/2021 15:34

Each to their own and my holidays won't be to everyone's tastes but AIBU to not want to go away with a family group?

My Aunt and a cousin has suggested that next Summer (all going well) we have a big gathering for this side of the family abroad as it's been a very difficult year, not just with Covid but with other factors. It'd involve at least 12 kids and ten adults. Possibly more.

I don't have kids and though I appreciate it's a nice idea and might be fun. I don't think it's for me. I have Autism and need a lot of space and quiet.

AIBU and how do you feel about big family holidays?

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 11/07/2021 16:50

I could do it as a one off with my own family. The conditions would be that it would be at a hotel rather than a shared villa and I would make it very clear that we wouldn't be living in each others pockets for the week.

With my in laws, absolutely not. They would want us to be together all the time, e.g. even if we were staying in a hotel they would want us to eat all meals together and so on. And my husband isn't very assertive so he'd end up agreeing and then we'd fall out about it. 😂

motogogo · 11/07/2021 16:51

Personal preference thing. I liked them but then I was the only one with kids so appreciated the babysitting

Aprilx · 11/07/2021 16:53

I don’t have any family really, when I see big groups on holiday I sometimes feel envious of what they have. But equally, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to.

billy1966 · 11/07/2021 16:54

Not a chance would I be interested in that, even more so if I was childless.

Jumpingintosummer · 11/07/2021 16:56

Not my idea of fun at all.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 11/07/2021 16:56

I don't have autism but I would detest this. I wouldn't want to go away with anyone on holiday other than my dh and children. Hell, I've even been away with a small group of female friends and not enjoyed it after 2 days. I honestly cannot think of many things I'd enjoy less.

My parents and inlaws have dropped heavy hints/downright asked us to go away with them and I've said a big fat no. It's just not my thing. As a couple we get very little time to go away on holiday, much less than the usual 4/5 weeks of people in PAYE employment, and I will NOT spend it doing things I don't personally enjoy.

RubyFowler · 11/07/2021 16:57

Of course YANBU to feel how you feel.
I'd like it, but you don't need us to allow you to turn it down.

FrenchieFromGrease · 11/07/2021 17:04

If you do want to go you'd need to set your own boundaries. I would also not want to go on a huge holiday with a dozen kids, but sometimes it's nice to show willing and share events with your family. In your case (if I wanted to go) I would:

  1. Book my own separate, private accommodation. So not stay in a villa or apartment with them. Stay in a hotel, alone, a minimum of 10 minutes walk away. This way you have your private space to retreat to and they won't be calling on you all the time.
  1. Do my own thing for part of every day, so take a few days to lie by the pool / go on my own tour.
  1. Pop into the big family holiday as a Guest Star for certain events, like a meal out, or a trip to something I'd enjoy.
  1. Not allow them to schedule my time. I'd just visit them when I felt like it and not be compelled to be joined at the hip.

But I have a generous holiday allowance, holiday alone frequently and know I can only tolerate my large family in small doses. If I stayed in a villa with them and did every activity they did I would burn out after 12 hours and go crazy. Breathing space and separate living spaces make everything much more pleasant!

EmmaStone · 11/07/2021 17:05

We generally do a big group holiday once a year with friends, and next summer, my parents are booking a big villa in France for me, DH, DC, Brother, SIL and their kids. For me it's all about boundaries - there needs to be plenty of space in the house, no sleeping on sofa beds, or roll out beds, or 10 kids bunking in together, enough bathrooms etc. And then you can't expect to do stuff together - there's just too many of you. We tend to all do our own thing in the daytime and come back for a big group dinner. It's much more stressful if we all try to go out and do something together. When cooking, many hands make light work, some people talk of one couple at a time taking responsibility each evening, but I don't think this works. We all muck in, some preparing things in the kitchen, others making sure everyone has a drink, and cleaning up. Food is never particularly complex, and everyone contributes the same to the kitty.

But I couldn't have it as my only holiday, we need decompression time too.

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 11/07/2021 17:06

We went away for a wedding but everyone in the family went for two weeks.

We had 3 or 4 villas in total, spread throughout the town and it worked perfectly. We all hosted on different nights and if there was something we wanted to do we did it together, otherwise no pressure.

There were 2 or 3 couples in each villa (no kids at that time for anyone). We also had at least two cars per villa which helped massively.

We set groundrules and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

But it depends on what the rest of the family are like.

Cowbells · 11/07/2021 17:07

YANBU. Those holidays are my idea of hell. They end up being one long logistics game. Not at all relaxing.

memberofthewedding · 11/07/2021 17:29

Id prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw than go on a holiday like that! Oh god the horror of it. Like the OP I dont have any kids and would be sure to get lumbered with some childcare.

There have been times in the past when I booked a package holiday to use the hotel as a base because it was the cheapest option. Never in a million years would I have gone on any "group" outings or expeditions to be at someone elses command. On one holiday (Tangier) I buggered off to another city and only returned the last day. The holiday rep thought I had been kidnapped.

newnortherner111 · 11/07/2021 17:32

Even when we have gone on holidays and did as a child to places where other family members live, we did not spend the whole time together, but gathered for things such as Sunday lunch.

The thought of what the OP describes is not good. Even without any neurodiversity to consider.

SecretSpAD · 11/07/2021 17:51

Fucking nightmare. Don't do it.

SecretSpAD · 11/07/2021 17:53

@BritWifeInUSA sounds bliss. I'm coming to you for,my holidays this year!

Notaroadrunner · 11/07/2021 17:57

Never been on one and wouldn't want to go on one.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/07/2021 17:59

No fucking way! I'd do it on a cruise ship because everyone has own room/bathroom and you can get away, sleep in, stay up, etc. but in this set up, NO.

Maggiesfarm · 11/07/2021 18:08

You're not unreasonable, it certainly isn't everybody's idea of fun. I think if I went on a holiday like that I'd be counting the days, hours and minutes until I came home - or might come home early. Worse if you are abroad because more difficult to get home quickly.

I doubt you will be the only one who doesn't want to go, op. Make some excuse.

Bella43 · 11/07/2021 18:11

I wouldn't like it either. I used to go on big family holidays but now my children are getting older I find I don't want to and neither do they. It's easier all round for each family to go away individually as we all want to do different things.

Garfunkle · 11/07/2021 18:18

I go on holiday to get away from people. I wouldn’t be taking them with me. That holiday would be my idea of hell

5foot5 · 11/07/2021 18:23

Don't do it! A holiday with 12 kids, none of whom are yours? Shit no that sounds like a nightmare. Even if I did have young children myself I would consider this idea to be hel on Earth

Doghead · 11/07/2021 18:25

It'd be a big fat no from me. I can't think of anything worse than spending a holiday with certain members of my family.

MrsAvocet · 11/07/2021 18:30

Would depend on the people. I've been on holiday with my extended family and it was fine, but there were no small children - my teens were the youngest - and no pressure to do everything together. Some days we did the same thing but others the individual families went their separate ways and nobody argued or made a fuss. I couldn't do it with my ILs as at least 2 members of the extended family would be continually trying to micromanage everyone and "organised fun" is my idea of hell.
And I absolutely couldn't relax on a holiday with a lot of children. Even when my own were young I'd have found that hard to tolerate, but now, no, that would be an endurance feat not a holiday.
In your shoes I would rapidly arrange a prior engagement.

TerritorialPissings · 11/07/2021 18:31

I’m very sociable, but long family holidays are a no-go for me, so I definitely think you are fine to decline.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/07/2021 18:33

I think I have autism and we do group holidays sometimes. Last October half term we had a week in a huge cottage and that was tough. The noise travelled everywhere. We've previously had 2 bigger houses with 2 families in each which worked well.

Ive suggested that next year we do a long weekend at a holiday park with each family in their own house. That was taken very well by everyone.

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