Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband says I moan too much...

47 replies

hashbrownsandwich · 11/07/2021 14:37

And I think he might be right Confused

I'm feeling sorry for myself this weekend as I've picked up a virus (been tested, not covid) which means I've got a banging headache and the usual fever symptoms. I have done a full deep clean of the house as I do every weekend. I work 30 hours in 3 days in a stressful job. DH does full time hours and a uni course on top so he's by no means lazy. He does his fair share around the house too so I can't blame him.

I just feel like being an adult sometimes sucks. I know I need to accept that 3 kids, work, household chores and animals are my reality but sometimes I just wish I could have a rest from the same monotonous shit over and over.

I know I am being unreasonable to moan about what is basically a normal adult life but tell me I'm not alone?

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 11/07/2021 14:42

Does the house need a deep clean every single weekend?

Stop making work for yourself and moaning about it.

warmfluffytowels · 11/07/2021 14:43

I have done a full deep clean of the house as I do every weekend.

Why on earth do you put yourself through that?

Comedycook · 11/07/2021 14:44

I moan all the time and know I do. My life isn't that bad...I know I drive my dh mad. I'm just naturally pessimistic and over analyse everything. I think when you do that, everything looks shit

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2021 14:44

Why are you cleaning when you’re ill? Don’t make more work for yourself and you’ll have less to moan about. Pjs on, watch Wimbledon, he can sort dinner, just relax a bit.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 11/07/2021 14:45

I have done a full deep clean of the house as I do every weekend.

Why?

My mum used to do this. It was miserable. She hated it, we hated it, we'd help and it was never good enough... it felt like she spent her time moaning about cleaning, and then doing the weekly clean.

It's really unlikely that you need to do a full clean that often. There will always be an element of monotony to kids/work/life, but you can make it easier for yourself!

TheFoundations · 11/07/2021 14:46

Nobody loves doing chores, OP, otherwise they'd be called 'hobbies'.

What can you change (once you're feeling better)? What can you do less of/less frequently/less thoroughly?

You won't be pleased when you're 90, if you're in your rocking chair saying 'I hated my tedious life, but I had a REALLY clean house!!'

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 11/07/2021 14:46

You're being a teeny bit of a martyr.
If you're ill you don't deep clean.

Why deep clean every weekend anyway?

We were all recently, the house went to shit. Something has to give when we're all down and out.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2021 14:48

I know I am being unreasonable to moan about what is basically a normal adult life but tell me I'm not alone?

Sorry, but the moaning would do my head in, especially about a life you chose. We all get exhausted, tired, bored, fed up, etc, but how is it helpful to drag someone else down with you?

An occasional, brief moan is fine, but if you are constantly whinging and bitching, you need to have a word with yourself. Your husband is not your emotional punching bag and he's probably at the end of his tether listening to it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/07/2021 14:53

Why are you doing a deep clean if you're ill? House will be fine for a few days. And why on earth do you do a deep clean every week? Life is too short!

DifferentHair · 11/07/2021 14:57

Do you think you are fun to live with?

It sounds like you aren't.

Being around someone negative and complaining all the time- especially about what are basically privileges for many people- is tiresome.

I hate to be that Mumsnet cliche- but maybe get a cleaner? Then use the time to do something you like.

DifferentHair · 11/07/2021 14:59

Also sorry, but what is a 'deep clean'? In your view OP?

I hired someone to do that and they did the ovens and under the fridge and the bathroom exhaust fan... are you doing all of that every week? Confused

RaindropsOnRosie · 11/07/2021 15:15

You definitely sound like you're doing too much- especially considering how unwell you are! Try to relax, make it a deep clean every 2 weeks and a normal clean every week. You're allowed to do the bare minimum and relax for once! How old are your DC? Can they help out a bit?

Zilla1 · 11/07/2021 15:17

In what way does moaning materially change and improve things? If not, does it help you feel better in some way? Would you feel worse if you didn't moan? Am not being funny, I genuinely don't understand.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/07/2021 15:21

What do you class as a deep clean?

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 11/07/2021 15:23

What are you doing that means your house needs to be deep cleaned every week. I thought that was like a twice a year kind of thing

Radio4ordie · 11/07/2021 15:26

I strongly suggest getting a cleaner (for a good amount of time, 2 hours a fortnight won’t cut it). It’s the best money I’ve ever spent.

ChicChaos · 11/07/2021 15:26

Sorry to hear you've gone down with a virus OP, I'm not surprised you are finding life a bit overwhelming and/or tedious if you are feeling rotten. If it's a one-off moan because you are feeling ill then I'd say that was acceptable.

If it's a more frequent occurrence, then I can see why your family might be getting a bit fed up especially if it's happening because of rules that you've imposed on yourself (such as a deep clean at the weekend - surely if you are feeling ill you can do it gradually over a few more days?).

It's nearly the end of term and if you have school-aged children they are probably ready for a break.

mildlymiffed · 11/07/2021 15:32

I'm with the poster above who suggests getting a cleaner. If you can afford it- do it.

I'm by no means rolling in it, but do work full time- single parent. The £20 a week to my cleaner is the best money I spend.

Never have to consider cleaning, other than the occasional wipe down of kitchen surfaces and lobbing washing in the machine.

My weekends are pretty fun! I too am full of cold this weekend (also not covid), and I am gleefully watching Wimbledon final 🙂

AllyBama · 11/07/2021 15:33

Life is what you make it I’m afraid. You’re not going to look back on your life from your deathbed and think ‘gosh I’m so glad I deep cleaned the house every weekend.’

Your DH is trying to tell you that something isn’t right. And you’ve said yourself that you agree. So, what can you do now to make things better?

Stop martyring yourself for a start and try and remember whatever it is that makes you happy and go and do that. And if you can afford a cleaner, absolutely do that.

BritWifeInUSA · 11/07/2021 15:34

Relax on the cleaning! A house does not need to be deep-cleaned every weekend unless some massive drip-feed is coming about a child having no immunity at all like the boy who lived in a plastic bubble.

It does sound like you are prone to moaning. You have previously complained that your husband “can’t cook” just because it’s not the restaurant quality you expect or can produce yourself. Ever thought you might be expecting a bit too much of people (yourself included)?). As long as the basics are done with the cleaning it’ll be fine.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/07/2021 15:40

It's horrible feeling ill so I think you get a free pass for moaning right now. If it's something you generally do, then it's no way to live. It can become a habit, I think and sometimes people stop hearing themselves, so don't realise how it can be to listen to. But you know now and can make changes to the parts of your life you dislike

Weirdfan · 11/07/2021 15:45

I feel like you do sometimes OP, the weight of being responsible for kids, animals, bills, the house feels too heavy some days and makes me want to pull the duvet over my head and go back to sleep. And yes, being an adult is bloody hard sometimes and does indeed suck!

That said I do think moaning is a waste of time and energy and actually just makes you more focused on the monotony and how shit it all is. I used to be a really negative person but I kind of realised I was making myself more miserable and I've made an effort to turn it around.

I find happiness anywhere I can these days and just sort of autopilot myself through the stuff I can't find joy in. If I find myself thinking negative thoughts I consciously stop myself and overlay the thought with something positive instead, it sounds trite but I have a lot to be thankful for (relatively healthy, amazing DC, a DH I love, a decent home etc etc) so it's not difficult to find the positives as long as you're inclined to see them. Obviously it's up to you if it's something you want to change but it can be done and I'm definitely happier for it.

welliesarefuntowear · 11/07/2021 15:46

Like most issues in relationships there's no binary response here. Unreasonable. Not unreasonable. You're both stressed. Hun saying you "moan to much" is, I feel unfair to a degree. You may be behaving in a way that is horrible for a person to live with. But at least you're thinking about your role in this. What's he bringing?

welliesarefuntowear · 11/07/2021 15:46

*him

Nonmaquillee · 11/07/2021 15:48

I guess you chose to have three kids, animals and to deep clean the house despite feeling unwell…