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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not introduced DP of 5ys to family?

48 replies

littlepieces · 11/07/2021 10:14

My DP of 5 years is a really kind, calm, gentle, positive and funny man.

My dad is angry, bigoted and has a hugely overinflated sense of self importance. Whenever I go to see my family he is livid about something, constantly slagging people off and any tiny little thing sets him off swearing, shouting or slamming doors. His idea of humour is cutting people down and ridiculing them. DP spent his childhood being bullied for being ginger and I just know my dad won't be able to resist commenting. All things combined, I have never brought DP home to meet my parents. I get on really well with DPs parents and we visit regularly. DP understands and isn't too fussed but his mum has been probing recently about why I don't take him to visit my parents and I feel bad. AIBU?

OP posts:
Kalvinette · 11/07/2021 10:24

Can you invite your mum out to the pub to meet him or something?

Just be honest with your in laws. Just say "my dad isn't a very nice person sadly".

TheStoic · 11/07/2021 10:24

Just tell her what you’ve said here.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/07/2021 10:26

Just tell her your Dad isn't a friendly or respectful person. That is bloody awful for you. Flowers

BendingSpoons · 11/07/2021 10:26

Tell her so she knows it is not an issue with your DP. She may be worried on his behalf.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/07/2021 10:27

I met fil pretty early on. A year before I met mil. Was a bit miffed and was worried dp was ashamed of me or that he wasn't serious enough about our relationship... In fact it was indeed to save me from mil!! As long as your dp understands your reasons Yanbu. Tell his family your df isn't a pleasant man and leave it at that.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/07/2021 10:28

I think I'd be dropping contact with Father - introduce partner to your mother at your home or in a neutral space.

grapewine · 11/07/2021 10:28

Yeah, I'd just tell her something like what you have said here. YANBU.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/07/2021 10:30

Yes, just tell her why; it's perfectly understandable.

She's not a mind reader. Put her mind at rest.

pilingup · 11/07/2021 10:30

I'd just tell her the truth. And I'd tell your family the truth as well if they ask.

Original poster
littlepieces · 11/07/2021 10:37

Thanks. Actually I'm more concerned about it being unreasonable to not have taken DP to meet family, rather than MIL's concerns. I've told her my dad isn't a very nice man. I appreciate from the outside it must sound a bit weird, and raise concerns that I'm embarrassed or not serious about him. I just don't want to put him through a deeply unpleasant experience!

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/07/2021 10:40

TBH I can see why she might be wondering even though your reasons are also understandable.

And honestly, if a poster posted here that their partner had never introduced them to their family people would be questioning the potential future of the relationship, especially if there were likely to be children.

TBH, while I can see why you don’t want to introduce them to your DP, are you planning to have children with him? Because if so you will need to think through the longer term implications here. I.e. whether you intend to allow your family a relationship with your children and not your DP, and how you will explain that to your children when they grow up. Or whether you are planning to keep seeing them but not allow them a relationship with either your children or your partner, and again, how you are planning to explain that.

The middle ground between NC and limiting contact with others is a difficult one.

Kalvinette · 11/07/2021 10:42

What you could do is arrange to meet your parents for a drink but plan something for you and DP afterwards so you have somewhere you need to get to which keeps the meeting brief, and you are also meeting in a neutral space.

So organise to meet your parents at the pub for 6.30, and book a table for the 2 of you somewhere for 8, so you have to leave at 7.30. At least this gets this first meeting out of the way and minimises the opportunity for your dad to cause damage.

Branleuse · 11/07/2021 10:43

would your dad be like that on neutral territory and warned not to make shitty comments? Just so its done and theyve met

Original poster
littlepieces · 11/07/2021 10:45

@AlternativePerspective Exactly this. If a friend told me they'd not met their partner's parents in 5 years, I'd be a bit myself Hmm

OP posts:
claralara42 · 11/07/2021 11:03

I'm more wondering why you go to see your parents at all. I wouldn't

SecretSpAD · 11/07/2021 11:13

I didn't introduce my husband to my mother until after the wedding (we eloped so she wasn't there). He'd met my father and sister when they visited London, but her and my arsehole brother? No way. In fact the only time he has met arsehole brother was at my mother's funeral.

I love my husband. He is too good for those people!

5475878237NC · 11/07/2021 11:16

There's no need to worry about this as long as your partner knows that not meeting your family is not a reflection on him, but your horrible father.

Original poster
littlepieces · 11/07/2021 13:12

@SecretSpAD This makes me feel better, thanks!

Also to those who asked, I only visit my parents to see my mum.

OP posts:
Weepingwillows12 · 11/07/2021 13:17

Does your dp want to meet your family? Surely it's his choice. If you've explained what your dads like and he still wants to meet them then I would do it. If he is happy not meeting them then also good.

Nononsense2 · 11/07/2021 13:24

I would introduce him but at the first unpleasant comment we would be leaving so df would know he crossed the line and we wouldn't be putting up with that.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/07/2021 13:27

Can your Mom not come to you op so she can meet him? Do you have siblings or other family you're close to?

TurquoiseDragon · 11/07/2021 13:28

[quote littlepieces]@SecretSpAD This makes me feel better, thanks!

Also to those who asked, I only visit my parents to see my mum.[/quote]
Why not arrange to see your mum away from their house?

Christmasfairy2020 · 11/07/2021 13:34

What happens when you get married and have children.

Everydayisawindingroad · 11/07/2021 13:34

Another person saying catchup with your mum away from the house.

EileenGC · 11/07/2021 13:47

‘Just see your mum without him there’ sounds very easy but it’s isn’t when the husband is like OP described. My parents are like that, I’ve currently been abroad for 5 years and have had 2 surgeries in the meantime without any support - my mum couldn’t just get on a plane to come visit. She wanted to. She technically could, but these type of people are so controlling and manipulative, it’s easier not to do anything that would set them off or make them have a go at you for literally nothing. If I invited my mum to the pub but not my dad, she wouldn’t hear the end of it. For days he’d make shitty comments about it, guilt-tripping her for/into goodness knows what, and it would be incredibly stressful for her just planning to get in the car and come meet me for a drink. There are a million reasons why these people never separate from their spouses, but I do appreciate how hard it is OP. I still ‘tolerate’ my dad so I can keep in touch with mum and not end up completely alienated from my family, but I wouldn’t really want my partner meeting my dad either. It’s very hard.