Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To have not introduced DP of 5ys to family?

48 replies

littlepieces · 11/07/2021 10:14

My DP of 5 years is a really kind, calm, gentle, positive and funny man.

My dad is angry, bigoted and has a hugely overinflated sense of self importance. Whenever I go to see my family he is livid about something, constantly slagging people off and any tiny little thing sets him off swearing, shouting or slamming doors. His idea of humour is cutting people down and ridiculing them. DP spent his childhood being bullied for being ginger and I just know my dad won't be able to resist commenting. All things combined, I have never brought DP home to meet my parents. I get on really well with DPs parents and we visit regularly. DP understands and isn't too fussed but his mum has been probing recently about why I don't take him to visit my parents and I feel bad. AIBU?

OP posts:

EileenGC · 11/07/2021 13:50

@Christmasfairy2020

What happens when you get married and have children.

All the snarky shitty comments originally directed towards your mother, husband or friends - who are all adults and could choose to ignore them even though they’d be hurt by them - they’d know be directed towards your children. Which is why I doubt my children will ever see their grandad much, because I don’t want them suffering like that. At the wedding, they could either make a mess of the whole evening and ruin the day, or they’d have the social pressure to appear perfect and you’d spend the day rolling your eyes at how fake some people can be when it interests them.

2bazookas · 11/07/2021 14:08

DP is not a child any more.

By the time he reached adulthood, DP had heard every possible comment on red hair and learned how to deal with them. He's probably met immature arseholes like your dad, too; and learned ways to put them in their place.. DP is an adult and can manage himself.

You're an adult too. Tell DP's Mum the truth " I haven't taken DP home because my Dad is a bullying shit and I've never learned to stand up to him".

Original poster

littlepieces · 11/07/2021 18:52

Thank you @EileenGC it is much more complicated that my mum just popping out to meet us!

@2bazookas Sounds like you've never been a victim of domestic abuse, or had any empathy for those who are. How superior you are! Simply living a very happy, successful life 250 miles away from him is standing up to my dad enough.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 11/07/2021 18:53

@EmeraldShamrock

Just tell her your Dad isn't a friendly or respectful person. That is bloody awful for you.

^ this

KarmaStar · 12/07/2021 09:13

Yanbu but I'd definitely arrange a meal out for the four of you.
You should allow dp to make his own mind up about your df.
Yes it may be a disaster but at least he has seen for himself.

DeathStare · 12/07/2021 09:21

It seems a shame that your DP and your DM are missing out on a relationship with each other because of your father. Are they both OK with that? TBH it sounds abusive by your father and as though he is deliberately using his behaviour to prevent your DM from having interaction with others, including having a normal life as a mum (and maybe later MIL and grandma)

Have you talked to both your DM and your DP about what they would like to do? Are marriage and/or children possible in the future and if so have you discussed how you would handle this with your DP? And your DM?

Original poster

littlepieces · 12/07/2021 12:05

Me and DP aren't really keen on marriage and probably won't have kids (plus I have a poor chance of conceiving) so I don't think weddings/grandkids will be an issue. DP is happy with whatever I want on this, and my mum knows full well why I've never brought him round or introduced them.

Incidentally my mum is scared of travelling far away from home/local High Street, is a very nervous driver and has panic attacks on public transport. I live 150 miles away... so it's always me visiting them at home. Parents have never visited me once since I left home.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 12/07/2021 12:22

OP,

Be very clear and to the point with you in laws.
He is an awful man and I only visit to see my mother.

If you do wish for them to meet, do NOT stay with them.

Stay in a hotel or B&B, meet in public so that you can stand up and walk away if your father starts to be rude.

Alternatively, just visit the area with your partner and meet your mother without your father.

Well done for moving away.

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 12:26

I think YABU. He should have met your family.

Your DP was bullied in childhood like everyone else. He’s now an adult and should have learned to cope with a few comments. He can manage it himself; he doesn’t need you managing it for him.

SantaIsReal · 12/07/2021 12:38

My dad is very much like this too! I have cut contact now (this was just one thing on a very long list of his toxic traits)
He was very good at playing victim and everyone seemed too scared to stand up to him besides me (I constantly called him on his bullsh*t).

As others have suggested, if you are happy for him to meet your mum then I would arrange somewhere middle ground such as a restaurant etc. Is your DP aware of what your dad is like?

Throckmorton · 12/07/2021 12:42

@pinkcircustop

I think YABU. He should have met your family.

Your DP was bullied in childhood like everyone else. He’s now an adult and should have learned to cope with a few comments. He can manage it himself; he doesn’t need you managing it for him.

Bloody hell that's a really shitty way to view victims of bullying.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 12/07/2021 12:42

If I were the dp i would certainly want to meet people i am tying myself to so I know exactly where I stand. Bad or good.

Challengerice · 12/07/2021 12:43

For me the question is why do YOU visit your family with a man like this at the centre of it?

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 12:57

Your DP was bullied in childhood like everyone else. He’s now an adult and should have learned to cope with a few comments. He can manage it himself; he doesn’t need you managing it for him.

That's what someone who hasn't experienced bullying would say.
Not 'everyone else' is bullied as a child, not to the extent that you're still wary of certain comments well into adulthood. Just getting a few comments or jokes thrown your way isn't bullying. Kids are sometimes targeted and suffer abuse on a daily basis, it's traumatic and can't just be brushed off like that.

Adult or not, I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets the urge to protect those I love from unnecessarily hurtful comments. It's not 'managing' him, it's avoiding a situation no one will benefit from.

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 13:04

Bloody hell that's a really shitty way to view victims of bullying.

@Throckmorton The world and his wife is a victim of bullying. It’s hard pressed to find someone who isn’t.

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 13:06

That's what someone who hasn't experienced bullying would say.

@EileenGC No, actually I was a victim of horrendous physical bullying for the majority of my school years.

It doesn’t change the fact that pretty much everyone has been bullied in some form and as adults we need to take responsibility for our past and emotions and feelings and manage that.

ThePlantsitter · 12/07/2021 13:11

I think the OP's DH probably would manage it, but the OP may not manage the feelings of exposing her DP to such nastiness. There is often deep shame involved for a child of a parent who is a vile twat.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 13:37

@pinkcircustop I hope I'm not in any way minimising the bullying you suffered, but the OP has first-hand experience of verbal and emotional abuse in her own family. She does not want to subject her partner to that.

We do need to learn how to manage our feelings but I absolutely do not take any responsibility for those who emotionally abused me throughout my childhood. Why should I? My emotions back then were valid, and we should not be minimising the victims' feelings. It'd be like saying a woman who is subjected to domestic violence should learn to 'manage to cope with a few comments'.

Again - I hope I'm not being insensitive, but you can physically heal from a beating. The damage done by words can be far, far greater, and it stays with you for a long time.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 13:39

There is often deep shame involved for a child of a parent who is a vile twat.

Also, this. It's enough that me and my siblings had to put up with such a person. I wouldn't even want to introduce him to a stranger from the street, or my worst enemy. They don't deserve it.

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 13:39

@EileenGC They weren’t silent beatings, you know.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 13:40

[quote pinkcircustop]@EileenGC They weren’t silent beatings, you know.

I’m not asking anyone to take responsibility for the people who caused the issues, but we need to take responsibility for how we feel and deal with situations. We can’t just wallow and blame our past forever.[/quote]
Absolutely. I don't think the OP meant that. We can't blame her for wanting to protect her partner, though. I'd do anything to protect my loved ones from unnecessary nastiness.

Original poster

littlepieces · 12/07/2021 21:34

Think @ThePlantsitter sums it up. I would be so upset and yes ashamed to think that I've exposed someone I love to abuse they absolutely don't deserve.

@EileenGC I'm sorry to hear you have had similar experiences too. It's always weirdly reassuring that you're not the only one.

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 13/07/2021 10:27

[quote pinkcircustop]@EileenGC They weren’t silent beatings, you know.

I’m not asking anyone to take responsibility for the people who caused the issues, but we need to take responsibility for how we feel and deal with situations. We can’t just wallow and blame our past forever.[/quote]
I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm also sorry you're not able to show compassion to others who went through the same. And no, not everyone was bullied.

Flip

1 2