How do I get past my childhood?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

Probably going to be a bit long.

My dad had an affair, I don’t know when it started but he left when I was 8. The new woman, my step mum, doesn’t know that she was the ow and because of this my dad has basically rewritten and erased most of my childhood. The few happy memories I do have of my mum and dad being together I’ve not been able to discuss because SM is under the impression they divorced 10 years earlier than they did.
My told her awful lies about my mum that aren’t true.
They have been together nearly 20 years now. They have 3 children who are doted on.
I was never made to feel a part of their family. They rented my bedroom out so I had to sleep on the sofa for years. My SM has hated my from day one and has gone out of her way to make me feel like an inconvenience and not part of “her” family ever since. My dad has passively stood by and let it happen. My dad is such a good dad to the new children but fails to acknowledge how badly he fucked up with me.
I would come home from college when I moved in the them at 16 and find they had all gone away on a family holiday and not even told me. This happened several times. There are no photos of me and my children in their home. I even had to tell my siblings when they are 9 that I was their sister as they didn’t know. I’m not close to my siblings really because there are 16 and 27 years between us.

The problem I have is I live my siblings and continue to try and see them a few times a year and despite everything I do love my dad even though he is a pathetic, weak man. I hate that he sits and talks about the trust funds he has set up for his kids, apart from me. Every time I visit them I come away in tears and it takes me weeks to recover. He is Ana amazing grandad however to my kids, and I don’t want to hurt that bond. He has them for a week most summer holidays and half terms and they adore him.

I basically need to try and move in from it, while still retaining some distance. I want my kids to have a relationship with my dad and younger siblings. Not so much SM as she is just an awful person and she usually goes away when we visit anyway.

Aibu to continue trying to manage this relationship or should I just fuck it all off. We didn’t speak for a whole year last year because I just couldn’t cope with the feelings I had from it all, however we’re on decent terms now and have just got back from a weekend visit. I think that’s why I am feeling the way I am now.

I think you need a mindset change. Bitterness impacts on you not them.
As an adult with children you are responsible for your own happiness and behaviours. You get to decide what upsets you and what levels interaction you want. You are in a position to do things on your terms. We can only blame our childhoods up to a certain point, then we self-determine our lives.

Decide the terms you want to remain in contact on, the frequency, where you meet, who you meet. Only do it if it makes you happy.

I do, but I still come away just feeling so horrible. Part of me wants to cut contact completely but I don’t want to sacrifice my relationship with my siblings as they’re too young to understand and my kids would be devastated.

If the affair started when you were 8, and the woman thinks divorce was ten years earlier than it was, she's either crap at maths or deluding herself.
Why did you move in with them at 16? choice or your Mother no longer around?
Next time he mentions the trust funds, why not ask why he didn't set one up for you?

Moved out at 16 as my mum didn’t want me anymore and my dad had moved close to where my college was. I moved out and lived on my own 6 months later.

find a good therapist xx

At sixteen your mum didn’t want you? Perhaps some of your anger is being directed at the wrong person?
Maybe you’re wanting to find something you’re not going to get from those relationships?
It won’t work until there is some honesty and then it might still not. Why do you want a relationship with your siblings? What do you want from your father?
Give them a photo for Christmas and say they ought to have one.
Refuse to engage with any misunderstandings.

Where is your mother in all this?

Me abs mr my are ok. She apologised and she’s out the work in to make up for it.

I’ve given them photos, of me and the kids but when I’ve been to visit they’ve been tossed down beside the cabinet. They’ve used the nice frames I bought to put pictures of their kids in.

I’m not sure why you don’t think I would want a relationship ship with my siblings?

Maybe it's time to accept that your dad is a weak, flawed character and put in some boundaries. When he talks about things he's done for his kids tell him it upsets you to hear about it as you didn't get the same support or opportunities. Anything he says or does that upsets you speak up about it, be calm, consistent and clear and repeat that you'd prefer not to talk about it as it upsets you that you didn't have the same support or opportunities and change the subject. Don't allow him to keep upsetting you like this, if you find it too hard to speak up then say you need to do something and walk away as soon as he brings it up or change the subject to talk about something about your kids. xxx

Why do you want a relationship with your siblings?

How old are you and siblings. Some families are toxic and better of going nc. Put your energy into your children and been a good mum to them ❤♥

Siblings are 13, 11 and 1.

I’m 28

My situation is similar but less extreme. My parents divorced when I was in my 20's and my Dad remarried.
He's been a very different father to the child he subsequently had but my relationship with him has been made very difficult by his wife..
However, I put the blame for this squarely on him and not her.
My half sister was not told about me and my existence was denied for more than a decade.
Happily she and I are in contact now and able to speak outside of the parents.
I am very low contact with my Dad and that makes for a much happier life for me. He has no relationship with my DD. She's not interested in someone who has treated me as he has done. I was willing when she was little to try and let them get to know each other but he made little effort.
I will be honest and say I really don't see how you can have contact with your Dad and not come away from it feeling crap. He's weak and deceitful. I wouldn't want my children around someone like that either.
He will never be a decent father to you. Therapy might give you a way to make some sense of this and help you find a way to maintain contact without it causing you such pain.

Usually id agree with solely blaming my dad but SM is vile.

Yes. But he is letting all the bad things happen and not defending you.
You are giving his shitty behaviour a pass.

I’m not giving him a pass at all. She is a truly vile person and he is a weak tiny balled prick. But I love my brother and sisters and want a relationship with them.

Your Dad and SM have been very toxic towards you. I would give them the very minimum attention necessary to maintain a relationship with your siblings and cut them out of your life once your siblings reach adulthood and you can have a relationship with them independent of the parents

Both your parents let you down.

It is great that you want to have a relationship with your siblings.

I agree with another PP that you do need some outside help to work through this, so that it doesn't eat you up and continue to make you bitter.

I’ve given them photos, of me and the kids but when I’ve been to visit they’ve been tossed down beside the cabinet. They’ve used the nice frames I bought to put pictures of their kids in.

That is an absolute disgrace.

OP, it's natural and normal to want a relationship with your parents and siblings, even if they are fucking bastards. You have the added problem of a vile (I don't doubt you) step-mother. Many people who are hurt as you are will return to the source trying to find the love that is missing.

You need therapy. I speak as someone who has had plenty! So much that it changed my life. I did it all NHS, so lots of pushing, lots of waiting, lots of preparing myself for each set of six sessions.

You are only 28. You can have a much happier life if you address this matter in therapy. You've been very, very badly treated by both of your parents and your stepmother. You know it. You don't have to cover it up, even to yourself.

Am I right in thinking you're rebuilding your relationship with your mother? It might be possible to do that with your father too - but perhaps it would be a good idea to allow that, after you've tried, he might be a dead loss, worth nothing more than minimal contact. The stepmother, well, I wouldn't waste another moment thinking about her. Who deliberately hurts a child? Not anyone who deserves consideration. You're not bound to her by dna, so just let her go.

My situation now, as an older person, is that I'm caring for my dad. The one who didn't love me (still doesn't), didn't believe I was his child (until we were dna tested), has no respect for women anyway. He and my brother still mock me, take the piss, take advantage and laugh at me while they're doing it. I do what I do because I'm a good person, not because I hope for any respect or affection from them. After therapy, I can make a choice. If I chose, I could walk away without causing myself any particular pain.

It will sound like tosh but mindfulness works. Eventually. I'd taught it before it genuinely worked for me. A self-compassion journal helped. I went back to the toddler I remember being, and talked to her in my journal. You could go back to your child-self and talk to her. Again, sounds like codswallop but it helped me heal a little, and recently it's helped my dd, too.

I feel for you and wish you well. Good luck.

Op I know you said you want a relationship with them, but why? They are no doubt being raised with a very toxic definition about you. I think maybe because you are so rejected by them, you seek their approval and trying to fit in with them. You say he is amazing with your kids, but till when? It's clear that will be until his other kids have dc. Why do you even think he is amazing with your DC, when he treated and continues to treat his own child so badly? Sorry but I think you are very wrong to be allowing your kids to be around this very toxic dynamic. I would go completely NC until your siblings decide for themselves if they want a separate relationship with you.

I agree with PPs who have said that a good therapist will help. I think you need someone who will chat to you over a period of years about this and help you to untangle it all. Just making a simplistic decision to walk away or stay and fight will not help. You need a wise, sensible head who will help you along over the course of some years, while you change things around a bit in your family good luck

Sad isn’t it how some of us need therapy to recover from our parents! Thanks for the advice.

My parents divorced when I was young. My mum remarried I loved my step dad and called him dad. My dad saw us every other weekend and he worked away alot anyways. He re married to my mums best friend. My mum introduced them infact when I was 9 ish? They married. She has 2 children we used to be close. But not now for some reason. My dad always compares us all as well which pisses me of. I give them any pics they aren't shown etc. Waiting for his invite to go and see him. He said other week we need to meet up soon but nothing. I'm not chasing him. He does send cards and gifts etc. But little interest. His wife stays in bed after nights (but she gets up for everyone else) when I visit with kids.

Every time I visit them I come away in tears and it takes me weeks to recover
This was absolutely me. Every single time I left their house I was raging. To the point of tears. It literally took me weeks to mentally recover and then I’d see them again and be back to square one.
The difference in treatment felt like a constant slap in the face. I tried to justify it to myself but I could never quite make my peace with it.
I ended up cutting contact. Fortunately my DC were old enough to understand why and haven’t complained. They do miss them though.
It hasn’t stopped the pain altogether. I still churn it all round in my head a lot. But it has stopped the constant turmoil. The dread of seeing them. The exhaustion afterwards. All that has stopped and as such it’s been worth it.