How do I get past my childhood?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

Probably going to be a bit long.

My dad had an affair, I don’t know when it started but he left when I was 8. The new woman, my step mum, doesn’t know that she was the ow and because of this my dad has basically rewritten and erased most of my childhood. The few happy memories I do have of my mum and dad being together I’ve not been able to discuss because SM is under the impression they divorced 10 years earlier than they did.
My told her awful lies about my mum that aren’t true.
They have been together nearly 20 years now. They have 3 children who are doted on.
I was never made to feel a part of their family. They rented my bedroom out so I had to sleep on the sofa for years. My SM has hated my from day one and has gone out of her way to make me feel like an inconvenience and not part of “her” family ever since. My dad has passively stood by and let it happen. My dad is such a good dad to the new children but fails to acknowledge how badly he fucked up with me.
I would come home from college when I moved in the them at 16 and find they had all gone away on a family holiday and not even told me. This happened several times. There are no photos of me and my children in their home. I even had to tell my siblings when they are 9 that I was their sister as they didn’t know. I’m not close to my siblings really because there are 16 and 27 years between us.

The problem I have is I live my siblings and continue to try and see them a few times a year and despite everything I do love my dad even though he is a pathetic, weak man. I hate that he sits and talks about the trust funds he has set up for his kids, apart from me. Every time I visit them I come away in tears and it takes me weeks to recover. He is Ana amazing grandad however to my kids, and I don’t want to hurt that bond. He has them for a week most summer holidays and half terms and they adore him.

I basically need to try and move in from it, while still retaining some distance. I want my kids to have a relationship with my dad and younger siblings. Not so much SM as she is just an awful person and she usually goes away when we visit anyway.

Aibu to continue trying to manage this relationship or should I just fuck it all off. We didn’t speak for a whole year last year because I just couldn’t cope with the feelings I had from it all, however we’re on decent terms now and have just got back from a weekend visit. I think that’s why I am feeling the way I am now.

I really do sympathise OP, don't think I don't. But like AnotherDay I have been going through the mill with this for the last two maybe three decades. A fairly pointless cycle of hope and disappointments. I really wish I had known at 30 that my Dad would still be a gutless waste of space rather than finally draw the line twenty years later.

Now you're 28 I don't understand why you're still going along with the charade that your SM wasn't the OW? What's going to happen if you brought up the truth?

I think you need to show some assertiveness here. You're allowing yourself to be treated like a second class citizen and you really don't need to.

Because it would break up their family and I’m not doing that to my siblings when they’re still little kids.

I would tell SM the truth, I think deep down she knows she was the other woman and has taken that out on you.
Your dad's lies about being divorced 10 years before meeting SM yet you being 8 when he left. Unless SM is very dim she can work out that the maths aren't right.

Next I would say to your dad it's great how you are with your other kids as the grandkids but I can't understand why you single me out, can you tell me why you do this

Call the pair of them out.

Then move on

What happens when you talk to your dad about it all?

Presumably you've asked him why he lied about SM being OW, and why there are no photos and why he has trust funds for his other DC and not you...?

If not then time for some difficult conversation.

Do you have other extended family?

Assuming yes, and depending on the answers above, I'd cut contact tbh.

Your older siblings you could have direct contact with perhaps.

I think you'd be happier.

Stop lying for him.

I have just had therapy for my childhood. I know where I stand now and know what I want and and will not tolerate.

However I can not unhear the harsh realities from my therapist that I knew but couldn't face up to.

My mum doesnt like me.
My mum doesnt want to see me.
I di not figure in her life.
There is no love there.

I wont go NC because it's not the best thing for me. However after therapy I really cant face even phoning my mum. Weirdly she never calls me now I dont call her.

But therapy means I have grieved and accepted it for what it is. My mum brings nothing much to my kids lives either. If your dad does then that's different.

Unless you have been neglected or abused you can never understand the lasting trauma. You do not have to keep on being the victim in your story. You can be a survivor. You dont have have to go NC. Neither do you have stay close.

You find the balance YOU need. There is no set one size fits all formula

You are an amazing lady and very wise to keep in contact with your siblings.

Speak to your father and ask him why it os ok to set up a trustfund for your siblings but not for you. Tell him it is very upsetting.

If he doesnt rectify the situation and make it equal then withdraw yourself from him.

Its your choice if you want to keep grandchild away too. Its his doing and his loss.

Go on to build a happy and successful life for yourself.
It can be done. Xxx

I have a very happy and successful life

I’m not going to split their family up and risk the same thing happening to my siblings. Plus, knowing SM she will take them away and no one will see them again.

It's not your fault & don't take it all on your shoulders.
Unleash the small child in you & tell your Dad & SM the truth, that they had an affair & they treat you like shit & you are bloody fed up with it.
If it means you never speak to them again yes it will bloody hurt but you have to remember that you are the scapegoat & it's easier for psychologically damaged immature adults to blame the weaker i.e. the child.
I feel sorry & pity for them as they will lose out when you cut them out of your life.
They don't deserve your love & kindness.

If you haven't done so already, I think you need to bluntly point all this out to your father and ask for a change in his behaviour towards you. Don't carry the whole burden by yourself.

You're clearly a strong and principled woman. He doesn't deserve to have you in his life but you're above that and put your kids and your young siblings feelings first. Please don't be afraid to let him know that.

You know what makes a good person. And these people are not it. I’m sorry you have to suffer their indifference and casual cruelty, but know, there are people who understand and are with you. I reckon you are heaps better than them. Move up.

Another one who understands.

You sound amazing

Your Father is rubbish. Forcing a child to uphold his lies and infidelities, treating you as a lodger during your teenage years. He didn't even tell his new children that you are his daughter - he let you do it. He is spineless. Why aren't you calling him out on this? Why don't you comment when he talks about the sibling's trust funds? Why aren't you asking why your photographs are are not on display? Or demanding your frames back?

He has relied on your silence and compliance for too long. Do you really want your children around a man who continues to treat their mother so poorly? He behaves more like a flakey mate. Is the letdown of a weekend visit really worth it?

You are causing rainbows with this man - he will never be what you want him to be. I think you need some therapy to help you negotiate a healthier dynamic that doesn't leave you feeling so deflated.

You need to protect yourself from this unhappy and damaging dynamic and concentrate on your own family. It sounds so sad. You can't make the relationships be what they aren't. You've tried your best but pull back now, do the minimum to do your duty .

It is not up to you to maintain your father’s lie.