To think I'm such a fool

[Fernando2020]

I've posted about my situation before but this time I'm fully aware of what I need to do it's just getting in the position to be able to do it.

I'm currently on maternity leave (the last 12 weeks unpaid) and have been doing one kit day a week which I'm getting paid roughly £350 a month for. This goes straight into the joint account towards rent and bills. I've been living off savings for the last three months, I'm down to my last £500. The thing is my partner has £20,000 in savings and has not touched this, insisting I 'pay my way' and put my smp and kit day wages into the joint account.

I just don't see how it's fair that I'm left with nothing when he's bought himself a £900 bike and various other expensive treats. I'm still mostly wearing the clothes I wore while I was pregnant because I can't afford new clothes. I'd rather buy something for DS than for myself.

I know I have to leave but my question is how can I leave when I'm unable to save any money to be able to pay rent and bills. If I still had my savings I'd be in a position of having enough for a few months but I've literally got nothing until I'm back to work next month. And even then he's going to be demanding half my wages into the joint account when he will be earning double what I do but paying less than half of his wages into the account.

He also sold my car to his friend for a pittance because he told me it was 'unroadworthy' but on speaking with his friend I've heard its just passed an MOT without even any advisorys. He has 'bought' me a new car but expects me to pay him back when I return to work so that's another expenditure that I really don't need.

I'm half considering getting a loan and paying the minimum back each month just so I've got it incase I need it. I've looked into universal credit and I will be eligible as I'm only going back to work for three days a week but it's paid in arrears so will be 5/6 weeks from when I apply to recieving it.

Is it unreasonable to think he's deliberately keeping me without money while he still has all of his so I can't leave him?

Can you live with your parent/s short term?

Who's house do you live in now?

You must leave him though as he sounds like an abusive pig.

YANBU. You know exactly what’s going on. This isn’t normal.

Huge red flag!!! This is not ok and appalling behaviour. He is not taking responsibility for being a father. If you left him with the baby, how much would he have to pay for childcare, or losses in giving up work so he could look after the baby?

Hi OP

I'm sorry but your partner is controlling you. This is a completely imbalanced relationship financially. He has the means to leave you at any time whilst you can't, and he knows that.

Was anything agreed before you had the baby on how you would split the costs.

I don't say this often but please LTB.

Can you live with close family, friends? Or will it be easier to get back to work FT, save up a bit them move out? Will he be splitting childcare costs?

I could go to my parents and I'm considering it as a last option but I really don't want to. There is a reason but I'm not going into it. Ideally I'd get enough money saved to cover rent and bills for a month or two until I'd recieve UC. I'm waiting until I get my first payslip too see reasonably how much I'm going to be able to save each month. I've given myself until Christmas to sort this out, as that's the length of time I can see myself to continue living like this. The only joy I have at the moment is my beautiful baby boy. I don't have any friends anymore, he saw to that.

He wanted me to have an abortion and I booked one but couldn't go through with it. I feel so guilty that I even considered it.

Go back to work. You cant afford 12 weeks unpaid. Then make a plan.

Did you both agree you would take the full year?

Sell the car.

Take the cash and leave him.

Take money out of your joint account and leave?

Is there ever a day where he pays a lump sum in like pay day or just before the mortgage? If so, wait until then and withdraw the money and leave.

Don’t wait until Xmas. Get some support from your family if you can face it or yes maybe get a loan for a few thousand which has a low repayment and leave. Although if you’re on maternity it might be difficult to secure a loan.

Either way OP, there has to be a better option than spending another 6 months in an abusive situation- it will only get worse with time

You've posted about this before, haven't you? I think you've already had confirmation this is abuse.

You know you're being abused at this point (and that is the first step to leaving), which means all the support available to victims of DV is there for you.

Including the possibility of a refuge space as an initial stepping stone out of the situation while you get longer term housing sorted.

Including the train fares to get you to a safe place.

Including legal aid if you need it.

Including occupation orders potentially.

Including asking the police for help (coercive control is a crime).

Including all the support DV organisations can offer you to recover from the abuse and reset your expectations of other people.

Including benefits advice on how to apply for an advance payment (or whatever it's called now) until your UC comes through.

You don't need the long term plan in place, you just need the first stepping stone that gets you away from him to enable you to sort the rest.

www.gov.uk/universal-credit/get-an-advance-first-payment

There you go.

The other usual stuff applies:

Speak to Women's Aid

Look at the Freedom Programme course (but I think you need to prioritise exiting much, much sooner than December first)

Check whether your local authority has a DV team and what support they can offer you - you should be able to find this on their website

Get legal advice if you need it

Consider telling your GP or medical team so that it is on record

Gather up important documents like passports and birth certificates as well as any irreplaceable sentimental items

Make a safety plan with Women's Aid, including how to leave safely - usually this means leaving without warning when he is not home.

Make sure that in all of your conversations with these organisations and when seeking advice on your situation you explain that you are experiencing "domestic abuse" .

You need to use those words to make sure you receive correct advice - lots of people won't realise if you hint at it or give isolated examples, and if they don't realise you will receive incorrect advice (for instance, not being told about legal aid).

Domestic abuse. Domestic violence. Coercive control.

That's what's happening, that is what you need to tell people is happening to you. Pick the one that is the least uncomfortable for you to say out loud.

Yes, he is deliberately trying to prevent you from leaving with the financial abuse - abuse is about power and control, if you leave he no longer has that control. These are completely standard tactics.

And that is why there is so much support for people in your position to circumvent his attempts to keep you trapped.

I do get why part of you probably feels the need to keep seeking reassurance that this is definitely abuse, but at the same time it does send you down a bit of a rabbit hole that stops you putting the energy into planning your exit and getting the advice and support you need on that.

It's a distraction for people replying - who end up just commenting on the abuse and drawing you into discussion about the many and varied shitty things he has done to you instead of the help you need to actually formulate your exit plan. It's a distraction for you when you get drawn into that instead of focusing on getting away from him.

It's hard enough to break free and muster the courage to go through with it, without sending yourself off on a tangent that saps your energy and resolve.

Why not start a thread purely focused on gathering info for your exit plan (don't share too much of your actual plan in case he recognises you) so you can gather things together without so much "noise" ?

Thankyou for your help.

I go back to work at the beginning of August so it's not too far away. My boss is paying me two weeks holiday for the last two weeks of July at full time rate to use it up as I have accrued alot. I'm hoping I can save a decent chunk of this.

My main problem is working up the courage to actually to leave. I know I have to though.

Do you have a Unify Credit branch near you. They do loans called family loans of up to 750 and it gets deducted from your child benefit and all you have to do is also put some savings in your Unify account. This could be a help as its not a credit Check and rates are so much cheaper than any doorstep or payday loans

And if there are non local as its a North West thing there may be other places like this to help

You're not a fool. Your partner is financially abusing you. The sooner you can get out the better. He will find a way to ensure you don't save even once you're back working.

You're not a fool, I'm glad that you know you need to get out of this situation even if you do need to get a loan. Wishing you the very best of luck.

He’s financially abusing you, you need to leave.

Don't be so sure you don't have any friends left. I know I lost a dear friend to abusive relationships and if she contacted me I would go and pick them both straight up. I would be delighted to do so.

You're certainly not a fool, you're a victim of financial abuse who is making arrangements to leave. Read all the advice upthread, and act as soon as you can, while being very careful. @takemehometoasda's post is good on not starting new threads on the financial abuse, but ones that will help you put in place everything you need to leave ASAP.

Good luck, OP.

@Fernando2020, I second what @takemehometoasda has linked, about an advance UC payment. When I first applied for UC, I was offered an interest free loan of (I think) up to 10% of my annual UC total (around £1,700) which was then deducted direct from my UC payments over the next 12 months (I have a serious health condition, so receive UC and PIP). It was a life-saver at the time, as I had been trying to hold down my job, but had had 8 out of the previous 12 months in hospital, so was sacked due to capability (a week before Christmas, with just a week of PILoN!)

I hope you are able to get all your ducks in a row before too long, and that you and your child are able to escape from this controlling bully for good.

Sadly, yes you are.
And be prepared for being further financially abused when you leave.
Coercive control takes many forms.

Be prepared that he will more than likely continue to abuse and threaten you through the court system. Please get all your ducks in a row.

When you make a claim for Uc then you can take an advance payment which you can receive within a few days of applying. This is so that people can pay their rent whilst waiting for the first payment.
I wouldn't worry about paying him back for your car - let him whistle for that.
Apply for child maintenance as soon as you leave. It does not affect UC.

You need to leave him and go back to work. Who’s idea was it to stay at home for 12 weeks unpaid? If it wasn’t a joint decision then I’d be annoyed giving my savings to you sorry . Can your family look after little one and you work more days. I know you’d get more money single on UC but not sure how it works.

Squirrel away the holiday money.

Plan:
Wait til you are back at work and can show employment / reference. Secretly rent a flat, one bed will do for now, or go to parents and then sell car, remove half the joint account money and move in the same 24 hour period.

The longer you stay the more he will undermine the self confidence you have to rescue yourself.

@MarianneUnfaithful

Squirrel away the holiday money.

Plan:
Wait til you are back at work and can show employment / reference. Secretly rent a flat, one bed will do for now, or go to parents and then sell car, remove half the joint account money and move in the same 24 hour period.

The longer you stay the more he will undermine the self confidence you have to rescue yourself.

yip 🌸💕

@CharlotteRose90

You need to leave him and go back to work. Who’s idea was it to stay at home for 12 weeks unpaid? If it wasn’t a joint decision then I’d be annoyed giving my savings to you sorry . Can your family look after little one and you work more days. I know you’d get more money single on UC but not sure how it works.

To be honest it just seems like everyone I know takes the full year off regardless of whether they can afford it. It's perfectly reasonable to go back when babies are nine/ ten months old especially if just part time. however op's employers may not be able to accommodate her going back early if she has already given them a date when she will be returning.

I wouldn't pay him for that car. He sold your car and lied about its condition. That's outrageous. And I'd take his bike with me, too