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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invite

35 replies

peachcherries · 10/07/2021 22:15

My partners cousin is getting married at the end of August, which I'm his plus one for. The wedding is being organised with no covid restrictions and 90 guests invited.
I'm CEV and although I've been double vaccinated, I'm really worried about attending and being in that kind of environment. As it's relative, I feel like I have to go.
AIBU not wanting to go?

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/07/2021 22:19

You don’t have to go. Being CEV is reason enough for most people to understand.

Time4change2018 · 10/07/2021 22:22

It would depend on the venue/s & family. If it was mainly outside or in a large airy room with people I know would give me space & would be vaccinated I'd probably go but without knowing the people etc I'd decline without worry.
Can / will your partner go alone ?

Original poster

peachcherries · 10/07/2021 22:37

Ceremony is in a church which 45 are attending, and the rest are coming to the reception which is mixed tables in a open sided marquee.
I imagine it will not go down well if I decide not to go, but I'm on an incredibly high dose of steroids and immunosuppressant, I can't shake off the worry.
I was sure it if I was over reacting and need to readjust to normality of some sort.
Thanks both for replying.

OP posts:

lanthanum · 10/07/2021 22:39

If you're CEV that's a good enough reason.
If you're a "plus one" rather than invited by name, I don't think they can take offence at you not going.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2021 22:45

I can understand your reluctance to go, but do you not think we need to get back to some sort of normality. If the figures are correct then a fairly high number of people have been vaccinated. I don't think the virus is going anywhere, we need to learn to live with it and manage it. So maybe ask yourself when will you feel comfortable about going to occasions such as this, and take it from there.

BackforGood · 10/07/2021 23:27

I imagine it will not go well if I decide not to go

This ^ says more about the people who are thinking that, than you.

As for any wedding - it is an invitation not a legal summons, but when it is a bit of a weak link anyway (rather than your sister, or friend of 30 years) there is no issue with not being able to go.
Once you add into the mix you are clinically vulnerable, then it makes no sense for you to try to go.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 11/07/2021 07:39

Time to decide if you’re ever going to go an event again. Any parties, sport event, festival....? You’re double vaccinated and the virus ain’t going away, so the situation in August will be the situation for the foreseeable future.

DinosaurDiana · 11/07/2021 07:40

So don’t go. They’ll probably be happy to have one less to pay for !

CornishGem1975 · 11/07/2021 07:42

You never have to feel obliged to go to any wedding. If you don't want to go, don't go.

ablutiions · 11/07/2021 07:46

I'd keep an eye on local cases and decide nearer the time if possible. Case numbers are rapidly rising and in your position I'd be very cautious.

Key here is to be clear in your communication to the hosts - explain your situation and concerns and the date by which you will be able to make a firm decision. You could ask to have a seat next to the tent opening so you are in fresh air, for example. If they are shitty about it, make your excuses and decline.

Weddings can be lovely but not worth the stress or risk to your health. People who love you will understand. If they don't, well at least you know where you stand.

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 07:55

People who care about you will understand. Just be honest with them.

Seasidemumma77 · 11/07/2021 07:59

I'm not CEV, but my dislike of crowds has got worse over last year. I'd request to be seated on a table at edge of marquee on health grounds, it be as close as you can get to being outdoors. Generally churches are so big and airy, I'd just wear a mask.

GabriellaMontez · 11/07/2021 08:01

Who would it not go down well with and why?

Yanbu.

Marmalady75 · 11/07/2021 08:07

1 You are CEV - you can decide what makes you feel comfortable. If you decide you aren’t ready to go to a crowded event then that is fine.
2 Other people can think what they like, you can explain your reasoning, but you can’t control how they react and that is fine too.
3 Weddings are boring if you aren’t part of the wedding party (or at least close to them).

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/07/2021 08:15

I dont think normal people would take offence at a cousins partner not coming.
He just needs to tell then now, so they can rejig invites and seating.

pinkcircustop · 11/07/2021 08:22

You’re not a relative. You’re not even married to the person who is invited, nor is your name on the invitation - just a plus one.

In the nicest possible way, don’t go, you won’t be missed!

onceivepostedidontcomeback · 11/07/2021 08:48

If you don't want to go don't go, it really is as simple as that and your partner should accept this, even if they are disappointed.

breadbinbaby · 11/07/2021 08:55

One of the most frustrating parts of wedding planning for me was people overestimating how bothered I’d be about them coming, and therefore procrastinating telling me they weren’t. Absolutely no one is going to be bothered about their cousin’s girlfriend not going to their wedding, they’ll probably be glad to have the space to give to someone else!

Workyticket · 11/07/2021 08:58

don't go if you're not comfortable but tell them now

I had a text last night from one of my closest friends saying she's not coming to my outdoor wedding this Friday as she's not comfortable.

She was at a restaurant indoors at the time she messaged and her meal at the wedding is already paid for

mnahmnah · 11/07/2021 08:58

Are you double vaccinated? If so, i would go and request to be at a table at the open side of the marquee. In the church, sit at the back as far away from others as you can manage. I think you need to try and get on with normal life with reasonable adjustments

breadbinbaby · 11/07/2021 09:06

Tbh I don’t think it’s very good form for a cousin’s girlfriend to make seating requests either. These things are headaches for hosts and potentially for venues, and so special accommodations would generally be reserved for key guests. Accept or decline the invitation as it stands.

Sisisimone · 11/07/2021 09:10

I'm sure everyone will be fine if you let them know. Are you just planning on never going out to any sort of function, gig, event, theatre, bar etc etc for the rest of your life though?

nether · 11/07/2021 09:12

I would be a bit of a PITA and call bride/groom and say that the only way you can attend is if you can be guaranteed to be seated at the very edge of the room, in a well ventilated spot, on a table with people with only low risk of exposure (not with eg HCPS)

Or decide that is too much of a faff, and that it could all go wrong on the day (as did one of our recent assured table in the garden pub booking, they'd kept one indoors for us and couldn't understand why no we're not OK with that) and just not go.

nether · 11/07/2021 09:16

@Sisisimone

I'm sure everyone will be fine if you let them know. Are you just planning on never going out to any sort of function, gig, event, theatre, bar etc etc for the rest of your life though?

If you're CEV with immune issues, that is the sensible course of action this summer.

I don't think people always fully grasp the risk factors of the government's cliff edge, have the wave now over the summer.

We would love to be doing those things, but can't really go for it now whilst rates are high and rising, and only some conditions which lead to young people being CEV have been examined tomsee if the vaccines work. For many it's quite optimistic, for immune compromised it's still not well known.

MyFartWillGoOn · 11/07/2021 09:19

I get it OP. I'm CEV and also on high dose immune suppressants.

A few people on this thread have commented that as you're double vaccinated, you should go.

The reality is that for those immune compromised the vaccine is far far less effective. So it is not a simple case of getting back out there. This is why the lifting of restrictions on July is a cause of concern for a lot of people (whilst understanding that the majority of society will of course welcome it).

I've been making decisions on a case by case basis. So only you can answer if you feel comfortable going. But YANBU to decline the invite.

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