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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to miss MIL bday incase DS catches Norovirus (remote chance)

42 replies

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 18:44

DS(14) is due to stay with his dad tomorrow for 6 days. His dad lives 2.5 hours away, they don't see each other very often, maybe once every two months and it has been years since they have spent longer than two days together.

DS has been struggling with some quite severe MH problems. I won't go into too much detail but he has low mood, anxiety, dark thoughts and suicidal ideation. He is under CAMHS crisis care and both he and they are happy that he's visiting his dad.

Since things got tough in January I have struggled, I have been terrified, confused and anxious. I've supported DS as best as I can, he has no idea that I'm struggling as he needs to know that I have his back and I am strong for the both of us. I do not sleep until DS is asleep, which is at least 1am, sometimes 3-4am. I am not able to leave him alone so have altered my work to school hours, and have work booked in next week because DS will be with his dad.

I have a wonderful supportive husband. It's his mums bday and we have had tonight pencilled in for weeks for us to visit with DH's sister and family for a meal.

DNiece has norovirus. Caught at work on Tuesday. She has been very unwell. She isn't going this evening but her mum, dad and brother are going and they all live together. None have any norovirus symptoms.

I've read on an NHS site that the incubation period is 12 hours- 3 days and that you can be contagious without symptoms.

I feel I can't risk DS catching norovirus. He's so looking forward to his trip to his dad's, I desperately need a break from his care. I love him more than anything but I'm close to the edge and right now I need this break more than anything else in the world.

DH is really upset and cross that I don't want DS or I to go. He is still going and that's fine. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and that his family will be upset and think I am being silly. They are fully aware of the situation with DS. We usually get together quite often although due to Covid it's been tricky.

I know the risk is small but I don't feel that I dare take it.

DH is usually lovely and reasonable so I am not sure if I am being unreasonable in not going?

OP posts:

Bumzoo · 10/07/2021 18:47

What does DS want to do?

Youdiditanyway · 10/07/2021 18:49

I’d say your DS is old enough to make this decision himself personally.

user1471462428 · 10/07/2021 18:49

The NHS website says 2 days from the end of symptoms. This is standard enteric precautions. So you just need to find out when the symptoms ended before you make your decision.

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 18:50

@Bumzoo

What does DS want to do?

Good question. He was happy to go, but doesn't want to risk his trip. But the risk is quite low.

OP posts:

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 18:52

@Youdiditanyway

I’d say your DS is old enough to make this decision himself personally.

I accept that.

But I'm not sure I can manage next week if he doesn't visit his dad. I will have to cancel my work. I desperately need a break, a full nights sleep and a chance to regroup mentally so I can carry in once he gets back.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/07/2021 18:54

We caught norovirus from DS when he was a baby despite being extra careful with hand washing. I don’t blame you for being super cautious in the circumstances.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 10/07/2021 18:55

I would say that if they haven't caught it yet, it's not actually noro. It tends to sweep through the house like wildfire.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/07/2021 18:56

I'd be asking DH how can he support you if DS becomes sick

RedHelenB · 10/07/2021 18:57

Just go. You can't control everything, that makes you even more anxious trying to. Wash hands well before eating and after. And when you get back home.

MRex · 10/07/2021 18:58

The last time we had norovirus, we all caught it within a day of each other. I would skip it this week and invite them to yours in 2 weeks instead, but then I still have gastric issues caused by a bug 9 years ago, so rather biased.

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 18:59

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I would say that if they haven't caught it yet, it's not actually noro. It tends to sweep through the house like wildfire.

I did wonder about that. Almost everyone at my niece's place of work has had it and they have all had vomiting and diarrhoea. I worry that the rest of their house may be incubating it.

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 10/07/2021 18:59

It’s ok to say no I don’t feel comfortable with the risk.

Your husband needs to accept your decision and not be a dick about it

Your 14yo needs to make up their own mind and not be pressured by mum, step-dad + step dad family

Sycamoretrees · 10/07/2021 19:02

Was it actually norovirus or just a general tummy bug?

RealMermaid · 10/07/2021 19:03

Norovirus isn't like Covid, it can't spread through the air, it spreads through touching something contaminated and it ending up in your mouth. I wouldn't go for a meal at their house as there's a high risk of touching something contaminated or if they're preparing food, of the food ending up contaminated. But meeting somewhere like a restaurant would probably be very low risk especially with current Covid precautions.

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 19:04

@Sycamoretrees

Was it actually norovirus or just a general tummy bug?

Hard to be sure. DNeice and her colleagues think that it is as it's ripped through their place of work and households.

OP posts:

Hohofortherobbers · 10/07/2021 19:08

If its norovirus the family would have it by now, families fall like dominoes within hours of each other. If she's the only one sick, she's not going and it's been 48-72 hours since her symptoms started I'd say it's not noro and you'll be fine, maybe just a few extra precautions, safe distance, extra hand washing, no sharing plates etc

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 19:31

Sounds like I might be being unreasonable and we should go.

OP posts:

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 10/07/2021 19:35

My mum had norovirus (fully diagnosed) and in the household of 5 at the time none of us caught it, despite having to share the bathroom etc. I think you should go really, or at least let your son go if you can't bring yourself to.

Original poster

freckles20 · 10/07/2021 19:39

@HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur

I'm only worried about my son catching it and risking his trip to see his dad. I'm not worried about catching it myself. If I catch it I'll just have to deal with it. If DS catches it he won't see his dad or will come home early- he will be gutted, I will be back to 5 hours of sleep and suicide watch.

OP posts:

user1498572889 · 10/07/2021 19:49

We all caught norovirus from my grandson. It’s very contagious and we were all really unwell. I wouldn’t take the chance.

Toomanyradishes · 10/07/2021 19:52

Norovirus is horrible I wouldnt risk it even without any other factors

LividLaVidaLoca · 10/07/2021 19:52

God no. You won’t enjoy yourself anyway with worry. It’s a sensible precaution given the circumstances. See them another time.

Crowtooyo · 10/07/2021 19:56

I wouldn't take the chance really. Tbh I don't think the household with the sick sister should be going as its still quite early to know.

MamaBearThius · 10/07/2021 20:25

Sending support and hugs for you dealing with your DS's MH. That sounds very tough for you both and I don't blame you one tiny bit for wanting/needing the break while he's at his Dad's.

Vanishun · 10/07/2021 20:28

Your DH will bring it back anyway.

Why isn't he taking night shifts too?

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