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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about friend?

36 replies

OneHundredTrees · 10/07/2021 09:11

I have a friend who lives with her partner. They often visit each other's family, totally normal/expected.

She's recently told me that her partner's brother is a convicted pedophile. He has been in prison for his crimes.

I know she still agrees to spend time visiting him with her partner; gin evenings, meals out etc, and it's made me feel completely different about her.

I personally couldn't stand to be in the same room as him, in a ridiculous way I feel socialising with someone capable of those crimes is condoning it.

I was abused by a pedophile as a child so I wanted to ask if I was being unreasonable because of bias? I feel myself distancing from this friend now. :(

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 10/07/2021 09:13

I would feel the same as you.
I absolutely judge people by the company they keep.

Youdiditanyway · 10/07/2021 09:14

I would feel the same way, my stomach would turn at the thought of spending time with a paedophile in any capacity.

ItsSnowJokes · 10/07/2021 09:15

Not a chance I would be socialising with someone like this, family or not. I would never speak to them and would be no contact.

Pitmanshorthand · 10/07/2021 09:15

I’d feel the same too and cut this friend out of my life.

ThursdayWeld · 10/07/2021 09:17

Eurgh. ICK ICK ICK!!!

I wouldn't be spending much time with her from now on.

Cabinfever10 · 10/07/2021 09:19

I agree op she would be an exfriend too.
I really hope she never has kids if she's happy to visit and socialise with a convicted pedophile

Boomshakalack · 10/07/2021 09:19

YANBU

georgarina · 10/07/2021 09:20

Yuck. I wouldn't be happy about that. It's not even her own brother. Do you or they have kids?

Original poster
OneHundredTrees · 10/07/2021 09:20

Oh wow, was half dreading a flaming but thank you for validating my feelings. Genuinely doubting myself due to past experience. I didn't want to unreasonably start distancing myself but naturally feel compelled to talk less.

Sad
OP posts:
Essentialironingwater · 10/07/2021 09:20

YANBU

MotionActivatedDog · 10/07/2021 09:25

Yanbu! I’d be exactly the same. How can she stand to laugh and joke with him??

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/07/2021 09:25

I don’t have your past experience and I feel the same as you. Yanbu

M0rT · 10/07/2021 09:25

I won't even buy Ballymaloe products after Tim Allen was convicted for possessing child abuse images.
So I don't think your unreasonable at all.
I was not abused as a child but I just can't give money to/be pleasant to someone who has done that kind of damage to a child.
A lot of people hold strong opinions until they have to actually act on them, then their strength seems to dissipate rapidly.

Planty13 · 10/07/2021 09:27

I’d feel the Same and I’d be withdrawing from the friendship

Original poster
OneHundredTrees · 10/07/2021 09:28

@MotionActivatedDog

Yanbu! I’d be exactly the same. How can she stand to laugh and joke with him??
This is what I imagine - her laughing and joking and him having a great time, like he hasn't ruined lives and caused so much pain and damage.

She doesn't have children (she's never wanted them, she says herself she doesn't really like kids) so I wonder if this is a part of why she has just....accepted it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 09:28

YANBU. I'd start to distance myself. If they choose to have children, and then start having family birthday parties etc, it's only a matter of time before she'd be specifically inviting a convicted paedophile into the lives of many other children too.

Pumpkinbrew · 10/07/2021 09:31

Definitely not being unreasonable at all. I couldn't be mixing with someone who had committed those horrendous acts.

The fact that she can do various things with him just doesn't seem right to me at all. This is someone who will have caused so much harm and pain to an innocent and their family. Possibly more than one. To be mixing with him is seen as thinking it's okay to ignore what he did.

I really hope that they do not have any children and she certainly doesn't have any children ever at her house due to the potential risk of him popping in etc.

I can never understand how someone can do these things. Going for meals and also sitting drinking with him is completely appalling in my book.

Romanoff · 10/07/2021 09:32

Yanbu. I couldn't be friends with someone who knowingly socialised with a child abuser.

I just couldn't. It shows me their values do not match my own.

I would be pretty devastated if a friend of mine was doing what you friend is. Would feel like I didn't know them at all

Essentialironingwater · 10/07/2021 09:35

Well there's not liking kids and being willing to socialise with someone who has committed, or benefited from, the most depraved crimes against them. I would view her differently.

Ughmaybenot · 10/07/2021 09:37

@Essentialironingwater

Well there's not liking kids and being willing to socialise with someone who has committed, or benefited from, the most depraved crimes against them. I would view her differently.
This!! The fact she happily socialises with him would change how I saw her, and she certainly wouldn’t be a friend of mine moving forward.
iklboo · 10/07/2021 09:39

YADNBU. Not by any stretch. I'd have cut all ties with someone who did what he did.

Notaroadrunner · 10/07/2021 09:40

I wouldn't be gradually distancing myself from her. I'd cut her off straight away.

romdowa · 10/07/2021 09:42

Yanbu and I would 100% be dropping her as a friend. My skin would crawl to even be in the same room as him , never mind socialising with the dirt bag.

Penistoe · 10/07/2021 09:44

I would feel exactly the same and echo others that I wouldn’t be able to continue the friendship.

Littleroundsponge · 10/07/2021 09:45

YANBU in the slightest! I would have to end the friendship, I would never see her in the same way again. Someone who chooses to socialise with paedophile whether they're family or not is not somebody I would want to have in my life. I would feel like by her being able to see past his behaviour that she's condoning it.