No idea anymore how to support son with ADHD

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Might be long, sorry.
My 20 year old DS was sacked from his job of two months today, citing lack of attention to detail and untidiness. This was his third job in a year, after dropping out of uni before the end of his first year.

A few nights ago he had a complete meltdown at home as he feels he cannot cope with working 9-5 jobs due to his various issues with his fairly severe ADHD-he also has OCD and significant anxiety. He also has a weed habit (also very common with his types of issues) and is very upset and depressed that he can't seem to get control of that, and he spent over two hours in tears.

To rewind a bit- whilst I always suspected he had ADHD, it wasn't formally diagnosed until he was was diagnosed with OCD aged 16. He had private psychiatry and psychology treatment for his OCD whilst on a waiting list for CAMHS, and then some practically useless CBT with CAMHS, and then more private CBT, and then some NHS CBT. He is also under the local ADHD unit who don't seem to do anything but offer stimulants, which he can't tolerate, and has tried three different ones in varying strengths. He is on antidepressants for his OCD and anxiety, and has tried several, and has also tried anti-psychotic regimes in the past.

His OCD still causes him problems, and he felt therapy didnt work for him, so he is not really inclined to just keep having it. He had a lot of therapy. He feels very defeatist about treatment in general and I can't say I blame him-over the last four years I've had to battle to get him help and support and none of it has really helped him. He went all the way through school without a single teacher noticing he had ADHD. How is that?

I don't even know what I'm asking or what my AIBU is. I don't know what's next for him. He's actually bright, loving, caring, and sweet, but he can't hold down a job and he self-medicates with weed because of his issues. What on earth can I do to support him? We talk a lot, he knows he can always come to me- he knows my feelings about the weed- he should cut down/seek help to quit etc, but I feel like I'm his only source of support and it's not enough.

Brilliant advice PineappleMojito, thanks.

This sounds so like my son, diagnosed at 19, now 24.

He stopped Concerta saying he hated the side effects of no appetite, jittery etc. Antidepressants did little or nothing so stopped those.

For non stimulant ADHD drugs, are they prescribed by GP or psychiatrist?

Many thanks

It won't be GP forfeksake. My DS is under the local neuro-whatsit ADHD unit-it's either them or psychiatrist

forfeksake was your Ds taking the anti depressants at the same time as the adhd meds as from what I read one doesn’t cancel out the other but more that it gives not great side effects without doing anything to help

Did he try other adhd meds?

I am interested as I am taking Elvanse and it isn’t doing anything

@Bythemillpond

forfeksake was your Ds taking the anti depressants at the same time as the adhd meds as from what I read one doesn’t cancel out the other but more that it gives not great side effects without doing anything to help

Did he try other adhd meds?

I am interested as I am taking Elvanse and it isn’t doing anything

No, he wasnt taking both meds at the same time.

He couldnt/wouldnt take the Concerta because of side effects, then his mental health took a real dive with suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, self loathing, so got him an emergency appt where he was prescibed Sertraline, which he also stopped after a while.

I am wondering if Stratterra maybe worth a try as he is self medicating with weed.

Has he tried the stuff that they sell in health food shops that is cannabis without the high - CBD oil or whatever it is? I know nothing about it but just a thought.
Are there any charities set up to help people with ADHD find suitable work - I'd imagine he'd need some things put in place to help him cope and certain roles might be more suited to him than others. If he finds a job he is happy in it may reduce the anxiety which in turn may reduce the OCD - but he needs the right employer.
I would definitely see if there are any charities out there that you could both get support from xxx

Could he try some voluntary work, like working with animals or children? Something where he can drop out for a while if he becomes overwhelmed. His weed habit is a two edged sword as you know as it encourages paranoid and abnormal thoughts. Even reducing this would help him, it he know that.

My brother the same. Problem child, problems at school, dropped out of college, bright and intelligent, but impulsive, smokes weed and also was heavily reliant on alcohol. Managed to keep dead end jobs which didn't require a lot or organising. He recently got a job caring for disturbed young men and he loves it. It's amazingly the right job for him and he is a natural at understanding their psyche. His employers think the world of him even though his qualifications for the job were sketchy.

I think something like cannabis helps with the hyperactivity part of ADHD. But isnt great for the inattentive part

Friend is a long distance lorry driver. Goes all over the continent and uk. Severe adhd. Suits him as he is by himself quite a bit, one job to do. He tends to drive at night and sleep during the day. Your ds can find something that suits him.

I think with the meds it's really hard. All of them have side effects. It took my 13 year old 6 months to ride out most of the stimulant meds side effects. He still gets sore stomach and no appetite but has come to realise he cant be who he wants to be without his meds. He went to school one day without to try and nearly ended up thrown out of school. I'm dreading when he is older tbh.

Iv got him into mountain biking with a club and he is picking up bmx racing and freestyle - I'm hoping these kind of hobbies will help him as they tend to attract kids who are neuro diverse

www.ukadhd.com/support-groups.htm

Following with interest as my dd and I have it, recently diagnosed. On paper I'm a successful person, but in reality my life is a mess.
My poor dd doesn't have a life to speak of at all atm, and lots of helpful comments and tips here.
My dd in on an adult dose (she is 12) Concerta and its not doing anything right now, positive or negative. Think she needs to try something else.

@PutYourBackIntoit has she been tried on different strengths? Dc 13 is on delmosart (different brand but same drug). He is on 56mg dose a day with fast acting top up in evening

Op, i know I'll word this wrong, but thank you for posting. It's given me a lot to think about and it's lovely seeing so many people post.

I have suspected ADHD (am 36, on the pathway to diagnosis) and there are some brilliant ADHD groups on Facebook if you use it.

My DC has ADHD (much younger) as does DH. Things we find help getting decent sleep (quite tricky), reasonable diet and exercise. DH is completely in the wrong career (lots of sitting at a PC all day!) but has managed to find hobbies that he loves to make up for it.

On YouTube How to ADHD and The Holderness Family.

ADHD Wise UK is run by a former SEN teacher who has ADHD as do her young adult children. Lots of useful advice on her site. She also does coaching.

The ADHD Foundation is also useful.

Your son will find his purpose and he has lots to offer. It just might take long than his peers so don't lose hope

Forgot to mention also OP that many ADHDers have rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). This can make dealing with things like criticism and anything that feels like rejection super hard for us. This might explain why your son is taking things incredibly hard and finds it tough to bounce back from failure - and may see small mistakes as disastrous. I felt too at his age that I couldn’t get anything right. I will admit I am a terrible employee, but have always done well at self employed and contract work. This allows me to dip into workplaces and have some social contact with other professionals, but I get to opt out of a lot of bullshit like meetings, monitoring and surveillance. As long as I turn up well in time to see my patients and my paperwork is in order, nobody cares when I come in or when I leave as I am paid per patient, not per hour. And there’s no pressure to join in with socials and other things I find tiring and depleting. I can go if I want, but nobody will deem me antisocial if I’m feeling washed out and want to go home and stare at the wall for an hour instead (what I often do after a long day of patient contact with other people with similar hyper brains to mine!)

Part time work or temping might suit him better? With temping he could have a week or two off between gigs to recharge if he manages his money well. Or finding a job that allows him to manage his own time/hours, has flexi.

@wizzywig

Op, i know I'll word this wrong, but thank you for posting. It's given me a lot to think about and it's lovely seeing so many people post.

Not worded wrong at all- I'm really glad this thread is helping others as well as me and my DS!

To everyone else who has posted- I am reading and taking on board every single comment-thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to try and help.
I spoke to my son about this thread earlier, telling him how many of you have similar stories and yet have positive outcomes, and he was visibly shocked and hopeful. So good things are already happening.

Part time work or temping might suit him better

I could not deal with even p/t work.

I think I have a limit of 3 days before going into a meltdown so would have to be constantly changing places i work.
Dd and Ds do the type of work that is constantly changing. Day or two here and there. Followed by another job for a day or 2 etc
They wor when they want and when they want.

It is also really well paid

Following with interest as my dd14 definitely shows signs of having it as did I when I was a teenager/in my early 20s. It’s been tough all my life to get organised. What saved me is having my kids and learning to know what suits me and what doesn’t. As others said I have to sleep the right amount and eat well or everything goes wrong. You sound like an amazingly supportive mum op. I have found that my adhd symptoms are much easier to deal with as I get older, I hope your son does too.

I was dx as a child, so unlike those dx later I've had the advantage of recognising my strengths alongside weaknesses, rather than just beating myself up for being a failure as an nt person.

He needs to find his niche. He doesn't need a job and a hobby that absorb him enough for hyper focus, just those that play to his strengths and absorb him enough. Those of us with adhd are great in crisis situations, chaos etc, less so in roles that are mundane or require pointless process. I was raised with horses from birth and couldn't cope without them, and I suspect if I didn't feel that way I would be into another high adrenaline sport that is mentally and physically demanding. Stuff like yoga I find dull as hell.

I'm not medicated, at best it makes everything dull, at worst my mind is still in overdrive but I lack the agility to keep track. Ecstasy and speed worked well in my youth, but not in the way they do for nts. I wrote essays very well on quantities that made my friends dance for 24hrs. I could do that anyway!

Weed, or anything calming or sedating really doesn't do anything for me. Just makes the adhd worse because I'm too out of it to keep track of the 500 different tracks my mind is going in at once. I've never been prescribed anti depressants, but with the exception of injecting I tried most drugs, and they really clashed with my adhd. That's definitely something worth investigating with a professional that understands adhd. I suspect that most of his mh problems stem from assuming everyone has adhd strengths, and his weaknesses are his personally, rather than his condition, and if he could find a way to like himself for who he is, the mh issues would resolve themselves.

I'm not recommending he exchanges weed for lines of speed, but he does need to find a legal high to replace it with. Whether that's alternative medication or an endorphin releasing hobby.

Everyone fucks up, but the vast majority of nt people live in a world designed to prevent it. As a person with adhd, he's living in a world designed to make him fuck up. But he'll get there.

@Funnylittlefloozie 'messed up brain chemistry' Yes that's exactly what adhd is, what a helpful contribution.

Long shot but has anyone seen/ heard any good things about psychiatrist Richard Bowskill in the Brighton area?