No idea anymore how to support son with ADHD

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Might be long, sorry.
My 20 year old DS was sacked from his job of two months today, citing lack of attention to detail and untidiness. This was his third job in a year, after dropping out of uni before the end of his first year.

A few nights ago he had a complete meltdown at home as he feels he cannot cope with working 9-5 jobs due to his various issues with his fairly severe ADHD-he also has OCD and significant anxiety. He also has a weed habit (also very common with his types of issues) and is very upset and depressed that he can't seem to get control of that, and he spent over two hours in tears.

To rewind a bit- whilst I always suspected he had ADHD, it wasn't formally diagnosed until he was was diagnosed with OCD aged 16. He had private psychiatry and psychology treatment for his OCD whilst on a waiting list for CAMHS, and then some practically useless CBT with CAMHS, and then more private CBT, and then some NHS CBT. He is also under the local ADHD unit who don't seem to do anything but offer stimulants, which he can't tolerate, and has tried three different ones in varying strengths. He is on antidepressants for his OCD and anxiety, and has tried several, and has also tried anti-psychotic regimes in the past.

His OCD still causes him problems, and he felt therapy didnt work for him, so he is not really inclined to just keep having it. He had a lot of therapy. He feels very defeatist about treatment in general and I can't say I blame him-over the last four years I've had to battle to get him help and support and none of it has really helped him. He went all the way through school without a single teacher noticing he had ADHD. How is that?

I don't even know what I'm asking or what my AIBU is. I don't know what's next for him. He's actually bright, loving, caring, and sweet, but he can't hold down a job and he self-medicates with weed because of his issues. What on earth can I do to support him? We talk a lot, he knows he can always come to me- he knows my feelings about the weed- he should cut down/seek help to quit etc, but I feel like I'm his only source of support and it's not enough.

His weed habit will hold him back. Do you Let him smoke in your house? He's got a brain with messed-up chemistry, and he's messing it up even further with weed. He needs to knock that on the head before he's in a position to sort himself out.

Thank you aloris

@Funnylittlefloozie

His weed habit will hold him back. Do you Let him smoke in your house? He's got a brain with messed-up chemistry, and he's messing it up even further with weed. He needs to knock that on the head before he's in a position to sort himself out.

And the prize for the most unhelpful reply goes to you! Well done Of course he doesn't fucking smoke in the house

With the weed reliance, could you get him looking into CBD instead? You can buy it as bud and smoke/vape it in the same way as weed, but it should just provide the helpful benefits of the drug rather than the crap bits that go with high THC. There's a great subreddit for UK CBD bud users he could join for advice on where to buy etc.

I'll mention that textbook but he has tried cbd oil before. Thanks.

Here's a link if you think it would be helpful www.reddit.com/r/CBDFlowerUK/

And totally agree, being rude and judgemental regarding drug use isn't going to help anyone. When you have complex issues going on and haven't had much help from the system you need support rather than judgement. He's identified that weed is becoming an issue, so no need to get preachy, he just needs advice on what could work instead 👍🏼

I Have ADHD and without the knowledge I've gained as an adult I would never have guessed my son had it, neither did his teachers. I would keep reiterating that he hasn't been able to manage to hold down a job YET because in the right environment his ADHD could be an absolute strength. He is not in the right environment with the right support. Burnout after years of not feeling good enough and struggling with ADHD and OCD symptoms is a very valid and real reason to take the pressure off for a bit. CBT can be unsuccessful if you have ADHD because the nature of it is 'homework' & effort on your part .. which is hard. There must be therapists that specialise in CBT for ADHD. I would consider suggesting a planned amount of time off. He should use this time to Focus on getting help to stop the weed addiction, dows he want to stop? Exercise and get enough sleep. Ask gp for a social referral and get advice on ADHD work coaches and Adhd drug addiction support groups. He could even apply for PIP for whilst he is not working. Does he have any entrepreneurial skills or is he hands on? Creative? What's his thing? Could you get onto fitness? Become a PT for people that struggle., like him? Could the OCD be exacerbated by autism?

CBD bud/flower is very different to oil, and will be a reassuringly familiar way of getting what he feels he needs from weed but without the negative bits. Obviously better to vape ideally as zero tobacco, but still miles better than the crazy strong street weed and he'll know exactly what he's buying and what effect it should have.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream, your prize for the most unhelpful reply made me laugh! My DS is 17 he also has adhd; he doesn’t smoke weed; he has taken all sorts of drugs and is currently drinking too much. The idea that you can just say to them “ oh that will mess with your brain” and they will go ok then mum, I won’t do it any more is really laughable. Please don’t comment unless you have some idea of what ADHD may entail!!

Sorry just saw that fitness is not his thing

user thanks for responding, lots of really interesting food for thought there

I have a 22 year DS diagnosed ADHD this year, he also self medicates with weed. He moved to Spain to do a masters last September and I haven’t been able to see him since 😢he has really struggled with suicidal thoughts since January and feelings that he will always feel crap about himself and a failure, feels like he always messes things up etc. He has a crisis every other week. I support and text daily but feels like living on a knife edge. I feel your pain OP

@textbook

CBD bud/flower is very different to oil, and will be a reassuringly familiar way of getting what he feels he needs from weed but without the negative bits. Obviously better to vape ideally as zero tobacco, but still miles better than the crazy strong street weed and he'll know exactly what he's buying and what effect it should have.

Ok, thanks, well worth thinking about 👍

I read somewhere that those with adhd just need the right job and the right partner, and they will thrive.
My friend with adhd is an awesome accountant, just completely immerses herself in the numbers, but no qualifications and took a while to get to accounting.
So, not very helpful I know, I just wanted to say he just needs to keep trying and he'll find his thing.

@Izzydawg

I have a 22 year DS diagnosed ADHD this year, he also self medicates with weed. He moved to Spain to do a masters last September and I haven’t been able to see him since 😢he has really struggled with suicidal thoughts since January and feelings that he will always feel crap about himself and a failure, feels like he always messes things up etc. He has a crisis every other week. I support and text daily but feels like living on a knife edge. I feel your pain OP

I feel your pain! It's dreadful isn't it.

@arethereanyleftatall

I read somewhere that those with adhd just need the right job and the right partner, and they will thrive. My friend with adhd is an awesome accountant, just completely immerses herself in the numbers, but no qualifications and took a while to get to accounting. So, not very helpful I know, I just wanted to say he just needs to keep trying and he'll find his thing.

It's very helpful- I can't tell you how much better I feel after all you lovely ladies (and men?) have rushed to my aid with messages of support and practical suggestions. Mumsnet at its finest!

Thank you all

The anti depressants could be worsening his ADHD symptoms. He might do better on a SNRI like Strattera (atomoxetine) or Wellbutrin (bupropion) if he can’t tolerate stimulants.

Supplements that might help include omega 3s, L-theanine (helps focus when taken with a caffeine containing drink) and ginkgo and guarana. A good multivitamin can’t hurt either, as well as proper hydration. Not a cure, obviously, but if he can’t tolerate any medication he may find some relief in these.

If you can afford to access private therapy for him and he’d go (not more useless CBT) I’d recommend looking at Headstuff ADHD therapy. Clinicians are all ADHD diagnosed themselves and will be able to relate to him well in a way a NT counsellor, coach or therapist or coach wouldn’t. With the best will in the world, even the good NT therapists don’t get what it’s like being neurodivergent and haven’t had enough training to adapt their approaches.

www.headstuffadhdtherapy.co.uk/

Does he enjoy being outside? Lots of people with ADHD thrive in an active outdoorsy role - forestry, horticulture, gardening, working in a racing stables, being a warden in a nature reserve. Even if he isn't into exercise as such, he might find a job where he's on his feet for much of the day, will calm and still his mind in the way that exercise can.

Or if his interests lean more towards an indoor, desk-bound job, a good brisk walk or cycle to get to work (rather than driving or public transport) can have similar benefits.

Poor you @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream and your poor son. This sounds a lot like me- had undiagnosed ADHD until I was 35!!

I did get through uni, but I’m a girl- that’s apparently a thing, that girls push through. Went into teaching and done okay but always struggled with the stuff other people found easy. I’m awful with deadlines and organisation. Always self medicated- also with weed and also with booze.

I now tutor and work for myself doing writing work- find being self employed so much better for me. But it’s taken me til my late thirties to do this and it wouldn’t be possible with my amazing husband. Drugs haven’t helped me and neither has CBT. I have to just take care of myself and be aware of my symptoms and when they’re getting worse and why.

I can see clear ADHD traits in my eldest and I will make sure she gets the help you need.

I am so sorry for what you’re going though- I’m sure he will be okay but it will take time and help. I would maybe present to his GP and have him explain everything you’ve said in the OP. There must be hell available that the GP can help him get. Good luck.

I have been where your Ds is now. But I didn’t know about ADHD and I didn’t get the sack I had a nervous breakdown . I tried to hold down a job again and 2 years later had another breakdown. Same thing happened again and I haven’t worked since 1986
I did very p/t jobs occasionally but grew bored and couldn’t be arsed doing them so would walk out after a few days or hours.

I was diagnosed this week at nearly 60 years old and scoring 9/9 for inattentiveness and hyper activity.

From what I have read he shouldn’t be mixing anti depressants and ADHD medication. That is definitely not recommended.
I think getting a psychiatrist who is more familiar with adhd is the first thing to do Maybe discussing whether just taking adhd meds without the antidepressants and weed to see if he can get a handle on the ADHD and that will help with the OCD

There are so many types and sizes of medication and sometimes , again done a lot of reading and from what I can understand that sometimes if you aren’t getting a high enough dose of the stimulant medication it can make you feel awful.
Usually if a medication makes you feel awful you stop it or reduce it. With ADHD it looks like you need a bigger dose

DS was prescribed antidepressants last year by GP in England - they didn’t help. Spanish health service has been much better by comparison -psychiatrist prescribed concerta and dekapine which seem to be helping. Also having private therapy. Psychiatrist aware of weed use and not too concerned about it ( it is legal there) DS wants to give up and knows it not good long term but says it’s only thing that relaxes him

Both of my children are going through the assessment for ADHD. School especially where Ds was concerned were useless

Neither could hold down a f/t job. They have both been self employed since they left school and do all sorts of work.
Dd has about 15 jobs she does. None she does for more than a few days at a time.
She did get one very lucrative month long contract but ended up getting the sack from it because she made a huge mistake in her 2nd week.

I would look at very gig economy type work for the moment. Stuff where you can pick and choose when and where you work and nothing that takes you to the same place for more than a few days at a time without a big break in between IYSWIM.

Stop trying to get a PAYE job he will just end up more depressed,

I think you/he need to accept that he might not find the right medication and prepare for a life without it.

I have an 18 year old with adhd and medications worked brilliantly but they had to come off them due to serious side effects and no doctor will prescribe them now. In a way we know what we are dealing with now.

Also as a teacher I know a lot of older teenagers who come off medication as they get older when it’s more a choice for them and they feel the medication doesn’t help them any more.

My dc will never work or study as the adhd is very extreme and they need a lot of supervision and support to keep them safe.

I agree with the pp who mentioned casual day to day work, things like working for events eg bar work where you are paid day to day. In my area there are adverts for this kind of work in the arenas and venues in the nearest city.

My dc will never work or study as the adhd is very extreme and they need a lot of supervision and support to keep them safe

I agree with the pp who mentioned casual day to day work, things like working for events eg bar work where you are paid day to day. In my area there are adverts for this kind of work in the arenas and venues in the nearest city

This is similar to my dc. The stadium work pays quite well especially if you get tips.

Thank Pinknoise and Bythemillpond that's given me another perspective.