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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP is being possessive?

41 replies

Bengal12 · 08/07/2021 22:22

My DP thinks I spend too much time in the gym - rather than spending it with him.
Let me set the scene:

  • we don’t live together but he will stay overnight and weekends often, mostly when my kids are with their dad
  • we’ve not been together long, under a year, started off as an exclusive fwb thing, I was v clear that I was not in the market for a husband. He was OK with that.
  • I work full time and my job is demanding + kids homework etc mean that I just don’t get the time to go to the gym when they are around (teenagers but still need support)
  • He says I ‘always’ go to the gym in ‘our’ time, and ‘never’ when the kids are here.
I go about 3-4 times a week, to keep fit and to get away from the house as I’m still wfh so it’s nice to get a break.
  • weekends when my kids are not here I go early am before he gets up
I think he’s being possessive but welcome your views…
OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 08/07/2021 22:46

3-4 times for around an hour is perfectly reasonable and I’d be telling him that your health comes before him, because it does. Why should you not give yourself time? What exactly will he be doing in that hour if you give up the gym to be with him? Going for a run with you? Or scratching his balls on the sofa?

Teacupsandtoast · 08/07/2021 22:50

Yes, he's being a twat. He has no claim over your time. You do what you like. If he has an issue, it's HIS issue. Tell him to stop whining and that you'll do as you like with your time, and he's very welcome to do the same with his

CarnationCat · 08/07/2021 22:51

I think it's good that you're thinking of your health. Four hours a week isn't excessive.

I'm guessing he doesn't exercise? Or exercises when you have the children? He's being selfish. You have a different life to him by the sounds of it with children and work. He can't expect that whenever you aren't with the children, you are attached to his hip. You need your own time too.

Menora · 08/07/2021 22:52

Possessive
Drop a large weight on him while he’s in the bin won’t you

Howshouldibehave · 08/07/2021 22:53

I’d be spending less time with him! Red flags there.

RosesandPumpkins · 08/07/2021 22:54

Totally unreasonable. He should be encouraging you to go and have time for yourself to work on your health.

Jennifer2r · 08/07/2021 22:55

He needs to understand that your week is not split into 'the kids time' and 'our time'. All of your time belongs to you and you'll allocate it as you see fit.

ahoyshipmates · 08/07/2021 23:11

@Jennifer2r

He needs to understand that your week is not split into 'the kids time' and 'our time'. All of your time belongs to you and you'll allocate it as you see fit.
This, with knobs on.
EKGEMS · 08/07/2021 23:36

Why can't the idiot go to the gym with you if he's so desperate to spend time with you?!

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 08/07/2021 23:39

He is not respectful of your commitments, your children, your job, and your wellbeing. It’s all about him. It’s great that you are able to find the time to do something that keeps you healthy and well. Guard that with your life.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2021 00:09

I don't think he's a 'partner's.
More a fairly new boyfriend who's moving a bit fast

Unsuremover · 09/07/2021 00:15

That’s not FWB behaviour, I wouldn’t accept it as husband behaviour to be clear but he’s just in the zone where he gets a second cup of tea in the morning. Start sending him home when you go to the gym, then don’t bother inviting him back.

BastardMonkfish · 09/07/2021 06:16

So he wants you to be with him every second you can at the expense of time with your children. How about...no Hmm

bert3400 · 09/07/2021 06:21

Absolutely not...I would tell him to do one. I love doing exercise and going to the gym, it sets me up for the day . He sounds clingy and possessive.... definitely not boyfriend material at all . Run

Emmylou1985 · 09/07/2021 06:50

You need to ditch this one asap. This is a major red flag.

updownroundandround · 09/07/2021 06:51

You have your own thoughts about what you'd like to do and when you'd like to do it.

Tell him to keep his 'moaning' to himself, as you will be continuing to do what you want to do, when you want to do it ! CF !

As you've already told him, you're not in the market for another H, we can only guess that he still thinks what he wants should be your priority ?? Hmm

ShinyGreenElephant · 09/07/2021 06:53

Exactly what @Jennifer2r said

ComDummings · 09/07/2021 06:55

🚩 🚩 🚩 bin him, it’ll only get worse

girlmom21 · 09/07/2021 06:58

So you should only either spend time with him or your children? And he's really judging how you spend time with your children v him. No no no!

TooManyAnimals94 · 09/07/2021 06:59

I said YABU but only because I would say he sounds whiny and needy more than possessive. I don't think you're unreasonable to spend YOUR time doing something you want to do. Having said that, is there a way you could exercise together? Does he enjoy running or swimming for example?

veganmayo · 09/07/2021 07:12

At best it’s very needy and at worst it’s possessive. Don’t find a way to involve him in your gym time. It’s your time to yourself and you get to keep it that way. (Also working out with other people is a nightmare.)

Mummadeze · 09/07/2021 07:17

Just a thought, maybe it’s the fact that you get up early and go to the gym before you are both up and about when maybe he would like a lie in and some intimate time in the mornings on a weekend?! If you changed your routine and went later, would that solve the issue?

Sloaneslone · 09/07/2021 07:21

So any time you have outside work and your kids, he wants to be focused on him?

Exactly, when does he think you should be getting time for yourself?

WildfirePonie · 09/07/2021 07:27

Bin him, sounds controlling. He'll get worse.

SilverRoe · 09/07/2021 07:34

So he’s not even awake when you go at the weekends but he wants you to what? Stay in bed with him? Sit around the house until he wakes up? Or is this because he wants to have sex first thing of a weekend when waking up and oh you’re not there since you’re in the gym?

That he’s complaining that it’s during ‘our time’ rather than when your children are at home is really possessive - he sounds like he wants you to make time with him so sacred you’d sacrifice time with your kids just to keep every moment of child free time free for him.

Definitely won’t get better, i’d break up with someone behaving like this sounds like he’s got no respect for you being a busy single mother, your well-being or your health.

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