To think my DP is being possessive?

[Bengal12]

My DP thinks I spend too much time in the gym - rather than spending it with him.
Let me set the scene:

• we don’t live together but he will stay overnight and weekends often, mostly when my kids are with their dad
• we’ve not been together long, under a year, started off as an exclusive fwb thing, I was v clear that I was not in the market for a husband. He was OK with that.
• I work full time and my job is demanding + kids homework etc mean that I just don’t get the time to go to the gym when they are around (teenagers but still need support)
• He says I ‘always’ go to the gym in ‘our’ time, and ‘never’ when the kids are here.

I go about 3-4 times a week, to keep fit and to get away from the house as I’m still wfh so it’s nice to get a break.

• weekends when my kids are not here I go early am before he gets up

I think he’s being possessive but welcome your views…

@Jennifer2r

He needs to understand that your week is not split into 'the kids time' and 'our time'. All of your time belongs to you and you'll allocate it as you see fit.

Absolutely this.

Yeah, sounds like a morning sex thing.

Getting up early to go to the gym isn't ‘his’ time, and you can go to the gym as much as you like and whenever you like anyway.

What a bizarre thing for him to complain about, ignore him and tell him you won’t be changing this routine at all.

And yes, it is possessive, he has no right to dictate what you do with your time.

If he’s like this now, at the start of a relationship-imagine what he’ll be like if you were living together/married! Run for the hills.

What’s he talking about, “our time”? So basically he thinks that your time when you aren’t with your kids belongs to him? And he’s already wanting you to ditch you kids in favour of him (“why don’t you go on their time?”). Massive red flags. When is it your time for yourself?

(Clue - whenever you feel like it!)

If it's the only problem I really don't think you need to bin him off - do people really never disagree and bin people off at the first issue?? He just wants to see more of you I guess and as you're really busy it feels like he's very low of your list of priorities. If it was a man saying he didn't have time to see much of his GF and she should just put up with it because he's busy and wants to go to the gym I think people would see it differently.

I think you just either need to reiterate that this is just a fwb situation that is never going to be a priority to you and if that's no longer what he wants then you understand. It's only fair that he knows where he stands. If it's not just fwb now and you want to work together on this then tell him it's really important to your mental and physical health and if he wants more time with you then you would love him to come.

Yep, that’s what he seems to want - for us to sit on the sofa, watch TV or chat. Granted, we don’t get much time together but then I don’t get much ‘me’ time either. Especially if you also factor in my elderly parents whom I call almost every day for half an hour to an hour as I know they don’t have many people to chat to.
We could not exercise together as I tend to do classes and it’s not his thing. (I used the term ‘gym’ loosely). We tried jogging together but he is much faster than me so it just didn’t work out.
Ultimately, as many of you said: it’s my time, not ‘our’ time. Thank you, ladies!

It sounds like he’s not very accommodating. What will you do regarding the situation now you’ve had a chance to reflect??

Personally I would find this possessive, but keep in mind, with this, and any other traits of his (or anybody else's), that there are no rules, and there is no objective right and wrong about how x, y or z someone 'should' be.

What you are really asking is 'Is he too possessive for me'? If you answer questions like this for yourself, and spend less time with people who are 'too x for you', then you will have very healthy boundaries, and a far happier, easier emotional life.

Could you see him fewer times a week and keep that time protected for him? Might suit you both better.

It sounds like he sees your time together as precious and you see it as just another thing to sort out during your pressurised week.

@Chamomileteaplease, I don’t see our time together as a chore. I do enjoy his company, and we do have a lot if fun.
As @Tal45 rightly said, there’s no need to ditch him just because he wants to spend more time with me. It’s the ‘our’ time vs ‘kids time’ thing that annoyed and raised the red flags. Everyone’s responses helped me clarify my thoughts and I had a chat with him explaining why I felt uncomfortable. He apologised for upsetting me but reiterated ghat he doesn’t feel he sees enough of me and is feeling insecure about ‘us’.
We both acknowledged that we have different expectations from the relationship. He has stopped seeing us as FWBs whereas, if I’m honest, I still do despite referring to him as my DP. BF seems weird when you’re in your late 40s!

So then he asked me where I see us going and I said that I want to be with him but I need my space. He seemed a bit put out and said he was hoping we would move in together before Xmas. But he can see that this is clearly not what I’m thinking…
He knows the crap I went through with my exH and thinks I have my guard up because of that. And he’s happy to wait. So thats it. I had a lovely core class this morning followed by a swim. And when I got home he was fixing my trellis. 😆

@TheFoundations, thank you for the helpful tip. Simple to apply and effective. Not just in this scenario but many, many others. adding the ‘for me’ is ingenious and I can see why it would simplify emotions. My EQ is not great, so I struggle at times to figure out what I am really feeling or why something makes me feel annoyed or sad. I struggle to articulate what I’m feeling and why - I’m not used to talking or thinking about my emotions, it’s definitely an area for improvement for me.

I'm glad that helps. Another thing is that it doesn't matter why. It could be that something has touched on a real sensitivity of yours, and nobody else would mind if that thing happened to them, but for some reason you can't define, it makes you feel crappy. That's the classic 'You're being too sensitive' scenario, and you feel like, because it's your own peculiar sensitivity, it must be you that's in the wrong. But the fact is, the other person did something that made you feel crappy. If it keeps happening, distance yourself. You don't have to be able to explain everything; you just have to be able to recognise your 'Ugh's and your 'Yay's, and respond accordingly. That's EQ.

It would even suffice to say, in each instance, whether you were having a 'no' or a 'yes' emotion. That's all you need, to start spotting patterns, spotting your triggers, spotting who bothers you and how.

@TheFoundations, found this priceless: ’ You don't have to be able to explain everything; you just have to be able to recognise your 'Ugh's and your 'Yay's, and respond accordingly. That's EQ!
I am super analytical, I always want to understand the cause and effect. My rational self takes over. Every. Single. Time.
I sense that it might be basic stuff for you but what you said really is a revelation to me. So simple, so true!

It was revelatory for me a few years ago, too, and has been utterly life changing! We should be taught this stuff at school. But to be honest, unless it's demonstrated to us consistently by our parents, it wouldn't mean much.