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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I get involved or stay out of it?

39 replies

vroedv · 08/07/2021 21:44

I've name changed for this as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

Please no nasty replies. As this may be obvious but I don't want to ruin DDs friendship.

DD is year 10, a boy joined her year in
September. DD told me she felt a bit sorry for him as no one would speak to him and he would sit in the canteen at lunchtimes alone for the whole of lunch with no food. DD offered him some of her lunch one day, and then she started to buy him lunch occasionally. DD became friends with him and he came over here for dinner occasionally. I didn't want to tell to the school at the point as we didn't know the reason he didn't have any food and DD did say that he did take his own lunch sometimes and presumably the staff already knew if they've seen him with no food as the staff do supervise the canteen.

Today. dd told me that she again felt sorry for him, as his bag is ripped and today she saw a group of boys laughing at him, DD stuck up for him and told them that there wasn't any point in him getting a new bag now as there's not many days left before it's the end of the school year. He then thanked DD and he told her that they don't know anything about him so he doesn't know why they were laughing and not even DD knows and he didn't want to tell her as he thinks DD won't want to be his friend (DD will but apparently all of his friends leave him, after they know).

DD has told me that she's worried about him, especially as they'll have 6/7 weeks off school and in lockdown, he didn't message anyone from school apparently.

DD doesn't know anything about his parents or his homelife etc.

Should I get involved (not sure what id say though!) or should I stay out of it?

OP posts:
MuddlingThrough1724 · 08/07/2021 21:48

Does the school have a pastoral care member of staff? If so, I would give them a call and mention your/your daughter's concerns. They may already be aware, but if not, they can signpost help for him and his family.

Whatinthelord · 08/07/2021 21:50

In your shoes I’d make contact with the school and raise your concerns about him appearing not to have food, being socially isolated and bullied and potentially having some other issues going on at home.

It’s so kind your daughter is befriending him, but it sounds like someone needs to look further into it to check he is ok.

Grainjar · 08/07/2021 21:55

Safeguarding training these days tells you to say something. You can do it really subtly, just give the school a call and mention your worries. It may be something or nothing. But don't let it go unnoticed.

Graphista · 08/07/2021 22:02

I would contact the school, in fact I would have contacted the school way before this.

A child not having enough food is a huge red flag.

I hope the school have noticed and it's been raised within safeguarding protocols but tbh you and your dd helping him may have masked the problem.

It may not be neglect his family may be having financial struggles and have for whatever reason been unable to access help.

But it needs to be addressed

cheapskatemum · 08/07/2021 22:02

Yes, say something to the school. Tell them about the bullying too.

I just wanted to say what a lovely, kind DD you have.

iloverock · 08/07/2021 22:03

Your daughter sounds like a lovely young woman.
Can you make sure he has your phone no and make sure he comes round for tea.

Original poster
vroedv · 08/07/2021 22:36

Yes, the school does have a pastoral member of staff and also head of years. I think the school mightve noticed him not having any food as DD spoke to him after about a month and offered him some food as she always saw him sitting in the canteen without any food at all.

I will phone the school tomorrow.

OP posts:
F900 · 09/07/2021 07:33

Definitely get involved.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/07/2021 07:39

It would be very strange for the school not to notice he had no lunch regularly and if they had noticed they would have made sure he was being fed. But yes definitely call the school and pass on your concerns. Your DD sounds lovely.

Original poster
vroedv · 09/07/2021 08:22

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

It would be very strange for the school not to notice he had no lunch regularly and if they had noticed they would have made sure he was being fed. But yes definitely call the school and pass on your concerns. Your DD sounds lovely.
Thank you.

That's what I thought, especially if DD noticed him always sitting alone with no food. So I thought the school would already know.

I will definitely call the school.

OP posts:
perl0 · 09/07/2021 09:24

I'd stay out of it as the school are likely to already know.

ChainJane · 09/07/2021 09:27

I'd stay clear too. You're basing it on secondhand information. The school will be in the best position to decide if there's something untoward going on.

Gazelda · 09/07/2021 09:30

@perl0

I'd stay out of it as the school are likely to already know.
In general, I agree with not poking my nose into someone else's business.

But in this case, I can't see any harm in making a quick phone call. If they already know, then that's good. If they aren't aware, then the phone call could be the catalyst to the child receiving appropriate support.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/07/2021 09:33

On a practical note - sounds like they have a great friendship in the making! Dd can always make plans to meet up and take 2 packed lunches! He may open up in time.

lanthanum · 09/07/2021 09:35

I don't think there's any guarantee of staff noticing a secondary school pupil not having any food. Even if he's sitting in the canteen, they may well just assume he's already eaten it at break (plenty do) - and it will be different staff on duty at break. I'm afraid, as a form tutor, I would have had no clue whether any of my form had eaten at lunchtime or not, with only a couple of exceptions. (A lunchtime supervisor once spotted one of my form putting his packed lunch in a bin, and let me know. There were reasons why he'd lost his appetite, and I'm glad she alerted me, because he did need some support. However if he'd just left the lunch in his bag and binned it on the way home, we'd never have known.)

Don't assume the school will already know - and even if they do, better that they know twice than not at all.

GloriousGoosebumps · 09/07/2021 09:36

Call the school and pass on your concerns. If the school is already aware then why haven't they taken steps to address the issue? Unfortunately, he may just have "fallen through the cracks." The 6 week summer holiday is a long time for him to survive, particularly when there should be help available for him.

ragruggers · 09/07/2021 09:37

I would be so proud of your daughter.His family may need help who knows but a boy sitting without food is not normal.No harm can come of telling the school of your concerns if all is well that that is good.Maybe your lovely daughter can keep in touch with him in the long holidays ahead just so he is not so alone.You are doing the best thing.

AdaFuckingShelby · 09/07/2021 09:38

Definitely ring the school. You're just passing on concerns.
In the tragic case of Victoria Climbie it was a taxi driver who actually raised the alarm despite her being known to many statutory services. I hope there's nothing like that happening here but raising concerns based on gut feelings, so they can be looked into is complete valid. Unless they're raised for the wrong reasons by people who love drama.
You and your daughter are obviously genuinely caring people.

Latte40 · 09/07/2021 09:44

Definitely contact school with your concerns, you don't have to take on any more responsibility than that but your DD sounds fantastic

LittleOwl153 · 09/07/2021 09:48

I'd flag with school. There is no harm done in raising something with them they are already aware of. But it might help.him if they are not aware.

I'd also let your daughter know you have flagged it so that she doesn't think she is the only one supporting him as that can be a hell of a burden for a 15yr old.

Rainallnight · 09/07/2021 09:51

Your daughter sounds fantastic. Well done her, and you.

custardbear · 09/07/2021 10:02

Poor child - I hope the school intervenes

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/07/2021 10:06

@lanthanum

I don't think there's any guarantee of staff noticing a secondary school pupil not having any food. Even if he's sitting in the canteen, they may well just assume he's already eaten it at break (plenty do) - and it will be different staff on duty at break. I'm afraid, as a form tutor, I would have had no clue whether any of my form had eaten at lunchtime or not, with only a couple of exceptions. (A lunchtime supervisor once spotted one of my form putting his packed lunch in a bin, and let me know. There were reasons why he'd lost his appetite, and I'm glad she alerted me, because he did need some support. However if he'd just left the lunch in his bag and binned it on the way home, we'd never have known.)

Don't assume the school will already know - and even if they do, better that they know twice than not at all.

Yes good point, i misread the OP and was thinking 10yo which is primary. Definitely a call (which you already said you would do). They may be aware of the kid's situation and if not hopefully they can offer him the support he needs.
lovelybitofsquirrell · 09/07/2021 10:11

i would contact the school.

your daughter sounds lovely, what a kind heart she has. you should be very very proud of her

JeepersCreeping · 09/07/2021 10:14

Why would you not call the school to look at this diplomatically? I'm astonished at the posters saying they wouldn't call and that the school would notice - they won't necessarily and the number of abuse or struggling (not abuse) families needing some extra support isn't actually that rare. So many high profile cases of children being abused, neglected or families not being supported by government systems even if they are involved with social care teams... Would you want that on your conscience, for the sake of a quick phone call to voice concern?

Apart from anything it sounds like there's low level bullying going on, which might be more severe in less public settings - I'm truly saddened that other posters wouldn't get involved to flag concerns here.