Feel too downtrodden to seize the day

[Cupoftea53]

DH has been offered an incredible job abroad. But it just feels so impossible as we are so downtrodden by the daily grind. Our kids range from 3-10 and are hard to put to bed, always so much laundry, life admin, mess as we live in a small house in London. In one way it would be great to have a fresh start. But when I try to imagine actually getting there, it feels like we have too much weighing down on us. If we could have the headspace to discuss and plan then maybe we could make it happen. But the daily grind is so relentless it feels so hard to do it. I wish we could just seize the day and grab opportunities with both hands.

What do you need from this thread OP?

You can, but you have to do it together.

Get a day when the kids are in school/left with someone, both of you take a day off work and sit down and plan.

You can do it. It's hard and scary now but the fresh start will do you the world of good. My main tip would be to get rid of everything and take as little as possible with you. I did that and only moved a couple of miles away.

@DavidTheDog I guess what I am wondering is, should we accept the fact that we are weighed down so just have to accept that it’s not possible to take this opportunity. Do we have to accept that we can’t have everything we want? Do we need to be more realistic and not just imagine we can make these changes? Are we just being greedy and expecting too much from life?

DH says maybe we just have to accept that we are not in a position to move abroad with our kids the age they are etc. Are we just being selfish because it’s a great job for him?

Hmm, but if you take the same habits that have led to life feeling this way, your fresh start will still end up looking the same as what's overwhelming you now.

Moving abroad then would potentially just be adding isolation and culture shock on top of your existing problems. Navigating life admin in an unfamiliar bureaucracy isn't what I'd call relaxing.

The fantasy of running away and starting over doesn't tend to work out that way. Your mind and your habits still come with you.

I guess what I am wondering is, should we accept the fact that we are weighed down so just have to accept that it’s not possible to take this opportunity

You seem too quick to accept this premise. Do you (singular) want to go? Do you want to stay as things are?

Why can’t you move abroad?

Is this a temporary type job, or could this be a whole new (better) life for all of you. If the latter, it'd be worth all the upheaval imo. You'd just need to suck it up, you'd do it and it would be over and you could then just get on an enjoy it. If, however, its just a temporary move for a couple of years for the sake of career progression, rather than a better, permanent, lifestyle, I'd not do it. Moving is disruptive for children, I don't think it's just a case of being downtrodden, more that the disruption wouldn't be worth it.

In the words of Nickleback 'dont take the free ride in your own life'.

I want to go. DH has worked so hard and this is an amazing opportunity being offered. I think the issue we have here is that we have outgrown our house. It was ok when it was just our house, but during lockdown and homeschooling we have been bursting at the seams and DH still has to work from home and so it’s just all a bit much. I do fantasize about a nice big house by the sea and none of our junk!

[quote Cupoftea53]@DavidTheDog I guess what I am wondering is, should we accept the fact that we are weighed down so just have to accept that it’s not possible to take this opportunity. Do we have to accept that we can’t have everything we want? Do we need to be more realistic and not just imagine we can make these changes? Are we just being greedy and expecting too much from life?[/quote]
Personally, I think sometimes turning stuff down is the right thing to do. It's not so much about being greedy as realistic.

Some fantasies are best left as fantasies - the reality spoils them, and dreaming is good for us. They don't all need to be reliable or dreaming loses its specialness.

The choice here isn't necessarily between accepting the job offer (and accompanying land of honey you dream it will be) and staying in a rut feeling stressed and miserable.

There is another option where you use this job offer as the spotlight showing you what needs to change in the way you're living right now in order to be mentally/physically healthier and happier.

You could choose to use it as the catalyst for making changes without throwing away all the good things you already have. Whether that's changing practical habits or changing mental habits in how you think about stuff as both of those affect how you feel in yourself and about life. (Like not calling yourself names anymore, for instance.)

I think the issue we have here is that we have outgrown our house.

But presumably you’d have a different house abroad?

Sounds like the perfect time to move abroad

Would it be more money & a good salary for the location ?

Which country is the job in?

@Cupoftea53

I want to go. DH has worked so hard and this is an amazing opportunity being offered. I think the issue we have here is that we have outgrown our house. It was ok when it was just our house, but during lockdown and homeschooling we have been bursting at the seams and DH still has to work from home and so it’s just all a bit much. I do fantasize about a nice big house by the sea and none of our junk!

So this is a reaction to the trauma of the pandemic? Which hasn't actually ended yet but will.

If so then my personal view would be even more strongly not to do it. Life changing decisions shouldn't be made so soon after trauma. Things need time to settle first.

The fantasy of a house by the sea with no junk would only be realisable if a) you went through the process of chucking all that stuff (which might be harder than you think if there are emotional reasons you hold onto things) and b) you changed the habits that caused you to accumulate it in the first place!

But it's your life. I'm only offering my observations as a sounding board like everyone else.

I worked with a guy who had had the chance to relocate his young family to New Zealand. When I worked with him he was near retirement and it was a huge regret that he hadn't done it. Try and imagine, 20 years from now, what will you wish you had done?

You need to get some time to sit down and draw up pros and cons lists for every family member. Put it all down on paper.

Whichever way you decide you have to do it seriously having considered all the pros and cons for everyone or you’ll always wonder.

Don't let stuff hold you back -
Sort stuff out ,bin, charity, keep.

What you keep can go in storage till you decide what to do with it

I went to Majorca with 5 kids,

3 of which were under 5 yrs old and 2 of those have learning disabilities .
They can play outside more,it's more family orientated.
Planning is the key. Get th junk sorted, make sure you have a place to stay with beds all ready for when you get there.

Start off by decluttering, because if you move you will have to declutter! It will give you some space to think too. I know it is daunting, but just start off with a few minutes a day. It's dawning on me that I have too much stuff in not enough storage and it's either get more space or it has to go.

Seems the biggest journey you can both make is between your ears.
A change of mind, a change of action = a change of results.
What do you both want to do? Then do that.

People have moved abroad with small children before. People have changed jobs. People have leant to ask for help, to build teams, to build new storage - whatever change is possible.

Thanks for the input - so many really good things for me to think about. We would massively regret not taking the opportunity I think, as it could give us all great opportunities and could also really be an adventure for us as a family.

I'm living in a place where lots of Brits move to for quality of life (think island, sunshine, finance work). So many people move here with small children from the UK. The schools are fab (all private), sunshine year round, much more space and bigger houses for the same money, can afford domestic help. Many come here for 2-3 years and end up staying 10. The pace of life outside work is much slower and more enjoyable, we felt so stressed living in London. Many do move back to the UK when the kids are 14-16 as teenagers don't always love the small quiet island life!

I don’t understand how this job came about if you are so unprepared for making a decision- he must have applied for it? Or did his boss just call him up one day and say “Do you want to transfer to the (eg) Vancouver office?” Is it with the same employer?