To feel weird about my surname...divorce.

[princessconsuelabananahammock4]

Been married 9 years. 2 young dcs. All currently share husbands (soon to be ex) name.

It's mostly very amicable and I always thought I'd want the same name as my dcs but I just feel weird about keeping his.

I also feel weird about using my maiden name.

WWYD or what have you done if you felt similar?

Welcome to the world of being divorced.

I kept my married name, partly because it had been my name for more than half of my life, and also because I wanted my last name to be the same as my dcs. (I did consider going double-barrelled with my maiden name though).
My reasoning was it was my name, what I was used to, and my divorce didn't mean I had to change it if I didn't want to.

I remember feeling quite upset when my mum changed her name when her and my dad divorced.

@takemehometoasda

However, I feel slightly odd about keeping his name when I am nothing to do with him.

It's your name. You're practically calling yourself his chattel here! Did you only change your name to denote possession?

It's your name. He didn't loan it to you. You don't need permission to use it. You have just as much entitlement to keep using your own name as anybody else. You won't have to pay him royalties for keeping your name. It's your name.

I certainly don’t view myself as his property! I took his name because it was much nicer than mine and we were a unit. I totally get what you’re saying, my name is “owned” by me. There certainly isn’t anyone with my name in his family tree!

That said, it clearly marks me as being his ex-wife. I’m me, my own person, I just happen to be his ex wife. That’s why I feel uncomfortable keeping his name. I feel it links me to him and symbolises that perhaps I don’t want to let go of that relationship. He’s much more well known and respected in the area than I am and it almost feels like trying to capitalise on that.

Maybe it’s part of the wanting to start afresh and let go of that past, cathartic almost.

Then again, I may just be totally overthinking this!

I’ve been divorced 9 years and immediately started using the name I was born with, professionally and socially. Officially I’ve retained my married name however with my kid now 18 and my passport having expired, I think it’s time to make the change.

Then again, I may just be totally overthinking this!

Probably. 🙂 There is no right or wrong answer though - you just do what feels right to you.

I kept it - mostly because I couldn't be bothered changing all the stuff that has my name on . I didn't feel weird about keeping it, though it seems a bit stranger now he's remarried

Having a different surname to your kids when travelling can be a pain. I was nearly refused entry to my flight from France when travelling with my DS. Apparently I should have had a letter from my then husband giving his permission!! It took a lot of arguing and I think the thought of all the paperwork late at night to get agreement to be allowed to travel. I did look it up when back home and immigration were correct, though not all officers will make an issue of it. I now travel with a letter just in case.

I always thought I’d keep my married name if we split up so I’d have the same name as DS, but a couple of years on, it no longer felt like part of my identity. However, I didn’t want to go back to my birth name because that felt like a backwards step - picking up an old identity that also no longer felt like ‘me’. Instead I changed it by deed poll to my mother’s birth name. I think she found it a bit weird to begin with - she had actually kept her married name despite divorcing my dad 25 years earlier! But it immediately felt right for me. I don’t regret changing it when I got married, but I will never change it again.

I always take copies of DS’s birth certificate, my deed poll, and a letter from ex-DH confirming he consents to me taking DS on holiday whenever we travel, but no-one has ever asked to see them.

I've been divorced 21 years and still use my married name. I kept it because it's easier to pronounce and doesn't look like a cat has walked across the keyboard when I type it oh and I like it.

Five years post divorce still have married name. Kids wanted to keep the same name. I was happy to do it for them.

Got a bit sick of people asking me about it but the novelty of divorce soon wears off and they stop asking.

I also had an epiphany one day that having had his name for ten years it was now very much MY name and i needed to bloody well
Own it. (Particularly as he wanted me to 'give it back' so he could give it to his mew wife. )

Only dilemma would come if i ever married again.

I know three women who chose completely new surnames. Two had family connections the third just liked her new name.

@Inthesameboatatmo

I've never thought of that re travel. Yes I feel like getting creative and completely changing my surname from maiden name to something else entirely

Change it for something new.

Make sure your DCs have the same.

Otherwise it will cause endless trouble at school.

14 odd years of school staff wondering who their mum is.

Don't go there honestly.

I changed mine by Deed Poll to a name of my choosing, having discussed it with DC, as we also added it to their surname. I absolutely LOVE our new name.
So I was Mrs. Jane Smith. I am now Ms. Jane Jones. The kids are Adam Jones Smith and Betty Jones Smith. No hyphen.

Was not about to revert to my father's surname as a) I never liked it and b) he was a horrible man. And c) it was already double-barrelled.

I also thought if I ever remarried, I didn't want mention of my first married name.
If I remarry, I will keep the shared new name I have with my kids, and add new husband's name to the end of mine. So I'd be Jane Jones Brown.

I had this dilemma and in the end I kept my married name because my children were still young and i wanted us all the have the same surname. Sounds daft but it would have mattered to them and they'd already had enough changes and upheaval in their life.

[quote princessconsuelabananahammock4]@Inthesameboatatmo is now the time to get creative?! I'm not sure if it causes any issues not having the same names as dcs for travel etc? [/quote]
They might ask at customs but doesn't cause issues any more than a single mum travelling with kids with the same name.

I knew a Polish lady who had a child who had the Dads British name and then she married and took another very British name. She was questioned what was the relationship coming back into the UK.

I also know someone with the same name going into the US who was asked where the Dad was.

I reverted back to my maiden name after getting divorced.

It was one I had chosen at 16 when I adopted it by statutory declaration as birth name had...erm...connotations .

Have never had any issues with DD having a different name, including when travelling abroad although she was 13 by the time I changed it so don't know if that made a difference.

And again, your last name is your last name, it's not your fathers name, it's not your maiden name, it's just your name. If you changed it when you married, its still your name. Change it to whatever you want, just stop with the sexist nonsense that women don't own their names.

I kept my married name - I didn't want to have a different surname to my DD, plus it's loads of hassle! but also because my 'maiden' name wasn't either my DFs birth surname or my DMs birth siurname so had no real historical meaning to me anyway.

Change it for something new.

Make sure your DCs have the same.

You can only change the DC's surnames with the permission of both parents.

I'm really early in the process (been separated for two months) but contemplating this. In fact i have never changed my name officially to my married name, but use it professionally and on social media, and as a teacher it's something I use and hear every day, so might be strange to change. Officially though I still have a different name from my DD.. Not really sure whether to revert to my maiden name on social media but feel I would rather have the same name as my DD for now. Any advice welcome!

I kept my married name as I wanted the same surname as my daughter. I also don't have anything to do with my father so don't have a strong connection to my maiden name really.

I've had my ex husband's surname longer than my birth surname. I don't like it (he's a git) but it flows better with my first name than my birth surname (no idea what my parents were thinking). Both parents are dead now, my DC are adults, so I'm pondering on changing mine to my late mother's birth name, which is really pretty.

The thought of changing everything is putting me off!

I'm not sure if it causes any issues not having the same names as dcs for travel etc?

I never used my married name either officially or unofficially. I have never had an issue travelling with my children. We did once have an immigration officer ask my eldest if I was his mum but that was it.

@cauliflowerkorma at him asking you to "give it back"! That's outrageous!

I wouldn't give up the name I shared with my kid, partly because I would have been hugely upset by that as a child. Mine have half of my (double-barrelled) surname plus their dad's, though, so I realise I may have unusual name ideas!