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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband doesn’t seem interested in sex

33 replies

Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 12:54

Ok... so I’m not sure what to do.
Happily married, have an 8 month old. Before I got pregnant I was on the pill (had been for years) but decided I don’t want to go back on it as don’t like the way it makes me feel. I’ve also decided I’m not keen on any of the other female methods of contraception for various reasons. We are not having any more children so I really don’t want to get pregnant again. After I had our baby, I brought it up with my dh about what we should do ie condoms or vasectomy and he just didn’t want to talk about it...
We now haven’t had sex in like 1.5 years and I’m starting to find it a bit odd that he doesn’t seem bothered or want to sort this out...
feel a bit unwanted. Has anyone else had similar issues?

OP posts:
CupOfTPlease · 08/07/2021 13:00

Sorry, so he hasn't had sex with you since you stopped taking the pill?

DadJoke · 08/07/2021 13:02

Have you discussed it with him?

Bumzoo · 08/07/2021 13:03

That's not good. Have you spoken about it?

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:04

@CupOfTPlease well I came off the pill and got pregnant straight away and then yep nothing since then

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 08/07/2021 13:04

So the last time you had sex was basically when you got pregnant?

It is odd, is there anything else may be going on with him like a medical or health issue he doesn't want to talk about...

Have you asked him why he doesn't have sex with you?

I know it's not the be-all and end-all, but a sexless marriage would be a deal-breaker for me and I'd let my DH know that.

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:05

@Bumzoo @DadJoke he’s very difficult to talk to... he’s not much of a talker. I just feel quite down. Also worried that one day something could happen and I’m not protected

OP posts:
Lockheart · 08/07/2021 13:05

It sounds like you need a proper open conversation between the two of you about your sex life (including future contraceptive options).

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:06

@CornishGem1975 yes it was. Yeah I mean it’s definitely not the most important thing but still...
I don’t think there are any medical/health issues

OP posts:
Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:07

@Lockheart yep we really need to just don’t know how

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/07/2021 13:07

What happens when you initiate, what does he say?

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:09

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation sometimes he pushes me off and rolls over and goes to sleep. Other times he tries to initiate but this is mainly me doing stuff to him

OP posts:
Lockheart · 08/07/2021 13:09

[quote Xtea18]@Lockheart yep we really need to just don’t know how[/quote]
Open the conversation outside of the bedroom when you know that neither of you have to rush off to be anywhere. If you struggle with explaining yourself, write points and questions down beforehand. Don't use accusatory or inflammatory language. Tell him how you feel and what you want out of the conversation, what you would like your sex life to look like. Ask him how he's feeling and what he wants. Discuss how you can both with together to get what you both want.

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 13:11

@Lockheart thanks for the advice

OP posts:
NotTheMrMenAgain · 08/07/2021 13:39

My ex- husband wasn't interested in sex after we had DD approx 13 years ago and he wouldn't/couldn't talk about it as he's weirdly emotionally closed off. The marriage was a bit rubbish for me but seemed to work okay for the rest of the family, so I just carried on, ignoring my own feelings and needs for years.....until I discovered he had two mistresses on the go simultaneously and told him to leave! The relief was immense. I'll never know how many years he'd been cheating for or how many women there'd been, but it doesn't matter. The important thing is I was 'okay but not happy' for years - my happiness didn't seem important enough to destroy our family for, which was a mistake. Don't be like me! Put your needs, wants and feelings to the top of the agenda and work out where you want to be. Then make a plan. Life is really too short for crappy relationships that leave you feeling rejected.

I'm in a very happy relationship now with a wonderful man who couldn't be more different from the ex - our relationship is filled with talking and sex!

starrynight21 · 08/07/2021 13:45

I do think that some men just can't see their wives as sexual beings once the baby comes along. It's like suddenly you are "a mother", somehow different from when you were childless . I think it's called "the madonna complex" because they see you like a saintly figure , not someone who can be desired in a physical way any more.

Katefoster · 08/07/2021 14:32

Me and my husband haven't said sex since i got pregnant in March. It's a combination of neither of us being in the mood and his crippling bsck pain. We're not bothered as we both have low sex drives abs are on the same page. If we weren't we'd have a problem

cutebutscary · 08/07/2021 14:34

Hi op , I have . Husband seemed to lose interest in sex after second child was born . I felt like a beggar trying to initiate all the time . The very last time we had sex, he asked 'have you nearly finished yet?" After which I felt so completely unloved that I decided I would wait for him to initiate sex next time . That was 13 years ago and I'm still waiting . I've gotten used to that part of my life being over so you may need to have a think if you want to live like this , as it's been a year and a half already , you are clearly along the same road and it may not change . We are best friends, don't row, laugh a lot and are really happy . I came to terms with not being desired in that way many years ago but I know it's shit in the early days Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 14:41

You don’t want to carry on like this forever unless a lifetime of celibacy appeals so you really do need to talk about it. Maybe write something down and say you’d like to hear his thoughts after he’s read it.

Nothing wrong with condoms, that’s what we use as I didn’t want to go back on the pill after DD, but they’re not 100% so you still need an open discussion about what you’d do if one split etc eg would you take the morning after pill, if you got pregnant would you want to terminate.

He might find it hard to talk about these things but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to. Sex is what makes marriage different from other relationships and for many people it’s hugely important.

You’re married and have a family now, you have to be able and willing between you to talk about anything and everything. He can’t put it off forever, he owes you time to discuss it and honesty.

Best of luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 14:42

That’s heartbreaking cutebutscary Flowers

sendinallthesheep · 08/07/2021 14:57

My DH has never had a high sex-drive but it's definitely worse since having DC.

I don't have any advice. In every other respect we have a wonderful marriage but it makes me so sad that we don't have that intimacy or connection anymore. I'm not sure if I can survive it long term, although I can't imagine breaking up my DD's happy home for that one reason. I really understand where you're coming from Flowers

ChainJane · 08/07/2021 15:31

I think you are being a little unreasonable. You've ruled out any form of female contraception on your part so you've told him he either has to use a condom or get a vasectomy. A lot of people - male and female - dislike sex with condoms, a lot of men in particular struggle to stay aroused when using one. And the vasectomy is a drastic choice, a bigger step for him that you using other contraception would be for you.

Basically if he came to you and said you needed to either go back on the pill or get yourself sterilised, how would you feel? That he had no right to tell you what to do with your body perhaps?

It goes both ways. Despite popular misconception, not all men are that bothered with sex. When you presented him with an ultimatum, a choice between two options he didn't like, he exercised his right to the third option - not having sex (with you).

DadJoke · 08/07/2021 15:48

It might be the contraception, it might be a rut, it could be mental or physical health issues, or he's just lost his sex drive. Until you find out what the issue is, you won't get anywhere. So, you do need to talk - consider couples therapy for this.

One off-the-wall thing to try is old.mojoupgrade.com/ - this is s way for you each privately to say what you want out of your sex life, and it produces a report which tells you where they match.

Original poster
Xtea18 · 08/07/2021 15:56

@chainjane I appreciate where you’re coming from but he’s fine using condoms... also condoms don’t have any side effects for him, the pill and other forms of female contraception do... the reason I don’t want to go back on the pill is because it makes a chronic illness I have worse.
I actually didn’t give him an ultimatum as such just said I wasn’t too keen on going back on the pill or the other options for me, he then had decided not to discuss it with me...

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 08/07/2021 16:08

Assuming your husband isn’t having an ED type issues, it will have to be an out of the bedroom “is everything alright with you as we have not seen much action lately “ type chat as others suggest, as could be anything really.

Hlgwsbytktu · 08/07/2021 16:32

My issue was the other way round as it was me that didn't want sex but I'll tell you my experience. My husband and I are mid 30s and have been together since we were teenagers. Used to have a healthy sex life. Once we had kids I focused so much on them I kind of pushed him away without realising. I also disliked my body.
We recently nearly seperated and had a very Frank conversation with each other and said everything we felt because I thought we were separating I didn't hold back and neither did he.
I thought he didn't love me anymore or find me attractive so pushed him away. He felt rejected and unloved and stopped trying after many brush offs from me. Over the next 5 years my husband became very depressed and like a different man.
I said we would try once more and have made a lot of changes in our relationship for the better but the main one is sex. It's only been a month but we are having sex either every day or every other day and it's like being teenagers again. I feel on top of the world and he is back to how he used to be. We are both happy again.
I didn't realise the impact this was having on him. In your situation the impact is on you. I would advise you to speak about it and don't let it be the elephant in the room.