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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be drinking?

42 replies

copurcha · 08/07/2021 12:45

DS is 15. He sees his dad EOW. He asked me yesterday if he could have a can of cider, I said no one he said that his dad lets him. He only turned 15 last weekend!

Aibu for not wanting him to be drinking or is it none of my business what he does at his dads?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/07/2021 12:59

Assuming his dad is sensible and its the 2 of them having one can with dinner or at a bbq then I don't think its that awful

FionnulaTheCooler · 08/07/2021 13:00

It depends, I think. I wouldn't see a problem with a 15 year old having one can of cider with his dad. If he's being allowed to drink enough to get drunk then I would have an issue with that, but ultimately you can't control what goes on at his dad's so just make sure you've had a talk about drinking responsibly and the consequences of over indulging in alcohol and hope he makes the right choice.

Original poster
copurcha · 08/07/2021 13:12

The problem is, he thinks he can here because his dad allows it. I don't want him to be drinking as he only turned 15 last weekend, which is still young.

OP posts:
PurBal · 08/07/2021 13:16

I would rather my son be drinking under my supervision at 15 and learnt to have a healthy relationship with alcohol than him go to parties at his mates house, get hammered and end up taking drugs and having sex (which is what both myself and DH was doing at the same age / younger).

Brakebackcyclebot · 08/07/2021 13:18

Agree with other posters that a cider with his meal isn't that big a deal.

Explain to him that you aren't happy to have him do that when he's at yours. Kids can cope with different rules in their two homes.

My DCs are in their teens now, and this issue has come up for us too, along with others in a similar sort of vein. You and his dad might not have agreed had you still been together - you may have to agree to disagree. Choose your battles.

It isn't really any of your business what happens at his dad's unless it's serious, or is damaging to health, or is abusive etc. Having a cider with a meal at 15 doesn't, IMO, fall into any of those categories.

motogogo · 08/07/2021 13:22

Unfortunately saying no at home at 15 might make alcohol even more desirable. By 15 many of his friends will be drinking, you need to be teaching responsibility eg moderation rather than it being a forbidden fruit

MazDazzle · 08/07/2021 13:25

I’m fairly sure I read somewhere that supervised drinking at home at a younger age only encourages them to drink more.

Isn’t that the case?

Do people really think he’ll say ‘I’m allowed one cider at home, so I won’t bother having when my friends are?’ In my experience, the earlier they start the more they drink - in frequency and quantity.

Arsebucket · 08/07/2021 13:27

My ds had the odd drink from that age. Hes nearly 19 now and sensible with alcohol.

Alcohol was taboo when I was growing up. I was always told what a bad thing it was, how i must NEVER drink. When I was 15 I was trolleyed at every opportunity.

I’m positive that if I’d had a better relationship with alcohol and was taught about it positively (yes, it’s fun but don’t go overboard), and wasn’t told it was the devil, I would have been more sensible about it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/07/2021 13:28

@MazDazzle my DM wasn't allowed to drink until she was 18 and turned into an alcoholic. I was allowed to drink since a young age and I don't drink at all now I'm an adult.

ChainJane · 08/07/2021 13:29

It's better to allow younger teenagers to drink the odd can of beer or cider now and then. As long as it's properly supervised then no harm can come from it.

By the time someone is 15 they will get hold of alcohol one way or another. It's better for them to be drinking in a controlled environment at home than clubbing together with their mates to buy a three litre bottle of Frosty Jack to be swig in the park.

It's actually quite dangerous for someone to have reached 18 without building up any experience of alcohol. Those are the people who get themselves into fights, drink themselves unconscious and have unprotected sex, the people who weren't taught to drink responsibly. (Forced abstinence is not the same thing.)

Stormyequine · 08/07/2021 13:29

YANBU for not wanting him to be drinking, but on the other hand his Dad is not unreasonable to be letting him have the odd can of cider. You can't control what he does at his Dads unfortunately. Do you have a reasonable relationship with his Dad? Could you discuss your concern about it with him and try to persuade him to your way of thinking?

billy1966 · 08/07/2021 13:29

Absolutely not.

Unfortunately you can't stop your ex giving alcohol to and underage minor but you can tell your son that it is not happening when he is with you.

I understand there are lots of cool parents out there, but I am not one.

I think getting them as close to 18 as is possible is a worthwhile goal.

MazDazzle · 08/07/2021 13:31

This article argues against it.

All of my friends who were allowed small amounts of alcohol at home, drank much more than there parents knew about. 15 is too young to be drinking at home. Occasionally at a party with friends, fair enough. But drinking at home with dinner is normalising it and encouraging it as an everyday thing.

Arsebucket · 08/07/2021 13:33

@billy1966

Absolutely not.

Unfortunately you can't stop your ex giving alcohol to and underage minor but you can tell your son that it is not happening when he is with you.

I understand there are lots of cool parents out there, but I am not one.

I think getting them as close to 18 as is possible is a worthwhile goal.

Believe me, I’m far from a cool parent.

I just went off my own experience.

After the initial “oh wow, a can of lager!” excitement, ds soon learned that drinking was no big deal. He doesn’t go out to get drunk now. He’ll have a few drinks with friends sometimes (he’s nearly 19 now), but doesn’t go crazy. He knows when it’s best to stop and does and moves on to water or pop.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2021 13:33

I don’t agree that it’s better fir kids to have alcohol from a young age in a supervised environment. Please sure science doesn’t either, but no idea where I would find the links.

There will be plenty of anecdotes about I did this and I was fine but you are the parent here and it’s your decision.

I’m sure there plenty of other rules that are different between your respective houses. If you don’t want to provide him with alcohol say no. He will cope.

dworky · 08/07/2021 13:38

He should not be drinking & his father should not be giving alcohol to a 15 yr old.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/07/2021 13:39

a can of cider at 15?😱
call the NSPCC immediately

ffs, you can't be serious. it's nothing

Doghead · 08/07/2021 13:40

His dad is just as entitled to parent him his way as you are yours. You'll just have to differ on this one. At 15 most children are sneakily drinking with their friends.

Doghead · 08/07/2021 13:41

@dworky

He should not be drinking & his father should not be giving alcohol to a 15 yr old.
Oh naff off! He's 15, not 5.
blahblah789 · 08/07/2021 13:41

I started going to nightclubs to drink just before I turned 15. I’d have gone anyway but my mum allowed it as long as I was home by a certain time, she knew who I was going with and I left taxi money in the porch. It meant I was always honest with her about where I was and she knew I’d always be able to get home safely. If she’d said no I’d have gone anyway without the precautions in place. Give your son some freedom and he’ll be honest with you, stop him without compromise and he’ll do it anyway

Doghead · 08/07/2021 13:43

@MazDazzle

I’m fairly sure I read somewhere that supervised drinking at home at a younger age only encourages them to drink more.

Isn’t that the case?

Do people really think he’ll say ‘I’m allowed one cider at home, so I won’t bother having when my friends are?’ In my experience, the earlier they start the more they drink - in frequency and quantity.

Quite untrue
AlmostSummer21 · 08/07/2021 13:44

@MazDazzle

I’m fairly sure I read somewhere that supervised drinking at home at a younger age only encourages them to drink more.

Isn’t that the case?

Do people really think he’ll say ‘I’m allowed one cider at home, so I won’t bother having when my friends are?’ In my experience, the earlier they start the more they drink - in frequency and quantity.

I was allowed to have a drink at home, it wasn't an issue at all. Therefore it wasn't a big deal outside of home either. I didn't need to sneak it, so there was no great pull to have it. I think it's the best way personally. I've done my share of drinking as an adult, but equally it's never bothered me when I can't have it.
Twelvetimestwo · 08/07/2021 13:45

Considering most people in the UK have a really unhealthy attitude towards alcohol, I wouldn't be taking advice from people on mumsnet.

There's evidence to suggest that drinking earlier can lead to heavier drinking in adulthood.

MitheringSunday · 08/07/2021 13:46

'At 15 most children are sneakily drinking with their friends.'

No, they're not. The ones who drink regularly in 16yo ds's circle 8and have done since 14/15) are looked on rather askance by their peers.

OP, YANBU. I would not be treating regular drinking at only just turned 15 as something normal or to be encouraged.

mindutopia · 08/07/2021 13:47

I wouldn't have a problem with one drink at home with parents and with a meal on occasion. But I wouldn't want it to be any random Tuesday. Special occasions, yes, like Christmas or a family party. Or even a sleepover with friends, I might turn a blind eye to one or two drinks. I wouldn't be happy with the assumption that it's just okay to have one all the time, because then it's what, every night with dinner? Once every couple of weeks, I wouldn't have as much of an issue with.